Military Humor

[FreeFloat]

Troops easy marching back from lunchtime. The sgt's in a real good mood, but since this is a training course he's supposed to give us a hard time anyway.

He starts asking the men at random whether they shaved that morning (it's an offense not to shave) and whether they used an electric razor for that (apparently 5 o'clock shadow sets in faster if you do)

Then he asks me (I'm female): "Reise did you shave this morning?"
"No, Sergeant"
"Why not?"
Brain spins furiously. Then: "I couldn't find any facial hair to shave, Sergeant"
Without missing a beat, he retorts "I'm pretty sure I can find some"

The course erupts into a handful of badly muffled choking noises from people holding in laughter. I guess you kind of had to be there........

(FWIW No, I didn't and still don't have any facial hair........)

 

[GDI]

During Officer training our WO is a tanker by trade (aka Zipper head) He runs up to one officer candidate who is also from the ranks and asks What do You see over in that compound pointing to a Leopard Tank.

The Air Defence Gunner replies- Fire Power, Speed and Mobility, a Killing Machine - Warrant!

The WO then comes over to me and asks me if I heard my classmates answer. I answer Yes Warrant!
Knowing that I was an Infantry Sgt before Officer ediquette school (we shared a few in the SR NCO's Mess once upon a time) he asks me what I saw pointing to the Leopard MBT

My answer was: A Moving Target Warrant!

His retort
Give me 120 push ups stating what you think of it now with each push up

So I did and with each one I replied :
One No sense of Haha
Two No Sense of Haha
Three No sense of Haha.......

 

[Lonestar Diver]

OK Here is a funny story that happened to me in jump school back in November of 94.

We were walking over to the OCS Chow hall for Thanksgiving dinner because the Jump school chow hall was closed and we were still in uniform because we had just gotten off guard duty. As we ( a couple of privates) were walking up to the chow hall a newly graduated Butter bar was walking toward us so we split off either side of the side walk, saluted, and greeted him and as we were passing him he popped up and saluted in return with BOTH hands................. I nearly ****! One of his instructors who was across the way went ballistic. He got in this guys face and went off. That had to be the funniest things I had ever seen.

 

[letterboy]

A thought occured to me yesterday while paintballing. Why do we have a height requirement in the service???? Getting toasted a couple times by the little people (13 y/o's), they could walk along walls and the barrels and what not on the field and virtually sneak up on you or just hide behind a wall and wait for you to pass. Not to be picking on midgets, but they would make some awesome troopers. I should know, I have the bruises to show.....LOL

Midget Boxing

 

[Captain Walt]

Have seen what happens to Bambi when they venture out to aereal gunnery, 7.62 SLAP rounds via minigun :11: . Range control was not too happy.

Had a wounded Hog come across my target years ago on a SAW range. Myself and three other gunners opened up on him......nobody had to say "hay look" it was a simultaneous trigger squeeze. The rump was still good for eating.

 

[watercooled]

Had a wounded Hog come across my target years ago on a SAW range. Myself and three other gunners opened up on him......nobody had to say "hay look" it was a simultaneous trigger squeeze. The rump was still good for eating.

one of the worst ass chewings i had received was when we shot a deer at an M60 range.

 

[watercooled]

Yeah but have you ever landed on a chicken coup?

i was in S.C. one year pulling DZST for the 505. them guys were scattered all over, Trees, neighboring farms and town. they had a guy go through a barn roof. apparantly the farmer was not happy about that.


i wanted to stay and watch the engineers get all the hummers out of the trees. man that would have been educational

 

[watercooled]

Troops easy marching back from lunchtime. The sgt's in a real good mood, but since this is a training course he's supposed to give us a hard time anyway.

He starts asking the men at random whether they shaved that morning (it's an offense not to shave) and whether they used an electric razor for that (apparently 5 o'clock shadow sets in faster if you do)

Then he asks me (I'm female): "Reise did you shave this morning?"
"No, Sergeant"
"Why not?"
Brain spins furiously. Then: "I couldn't find any facial hair to shave, Sergeant"
Without missing a beat, he retorts "I'm pretty sure I can find some"

The course erupts into a handful of badly muffled choking noises from people holding in laughter. I guess you kind of had to be there........

(FWIW No, I didn't and still don't have any facial hair........)

had a female MP give me **** about my moustache being out of regs one year standing in the PX. i told her I'd had my moustache for ten years and it's never been out of regs, how long have you had yours?
the other MP with her damn near swallowed his tongue trying not to laugh.

 

[Hockeynut]

Private is in the latrine taking a leak when his new platoon leader comes in to do the same. The private finishes and heads for the door when the Lt. says,"Didn't anyone ever teach you to wash your hands after you pee?" His reply, "Doesn't West Point teach you not to piss on your hands?"

 

[Seaduced]

When I sewed on SSgt, a couple of the old Sarg's took me over to the NCO Club for a beer. After a couple of rounds, my shop chief drops a pearl of wisdom on me. The exchange goes something like this.

Sarg - So, how does it feel to be part of the smartest enlisted corps?

Me - What do you mean?

Sarg - Well, the Army and Marines officers send the enlisted to fight.

Sarg - The Navy the officers and enlisted fight together.

Sarg - In the Air Force, we send the officers to fight!

Sarg - We obviously have something on the ball!



Pretty good beer...

Now... duck and cover...