Military Humor

[Seaduced]

Had a wounded Hog come across my target years ago on a SAW range. Myself and three other gunners opened up on him......nobody had to say "hay look" it was a simultaneous trigger squeeze. The rump was still good for eating.

one of the worst ass chewings i had received was when we shot a deer at an M60 range.

We were doing our annual M-16 qualifications, when a large black snake slithered over the berm behind the targets. The control tower said, "Don't shoot at the snake!" Wrong thing to say! The ground just exploded under the snake!

The NCOIC was torqued, he's yelling, "We're going to count the hits on your target, if you're missing any rounds, you're getting an Article 15!"

That made us laugh even harder!

Luckily, the snake appeared during practice and not during the qualifying round.

 

[qrpc]

one of the worst ass chewings i had received was when we shot a deer at an M60 range.

We once had a flock of wild turkeys decide to cross the claymore range at the wrong time.

Back when I was a platoon leader, one of my guys hit a dear on the drive in one morning. He only wounded it, so he killed it, field dressed it, and threw it in the back of his pickup. I didn't know anything about it until I stopped by the motor pool later that day and it was hanging from the engine hoist. After it aged for about a week, he gave it to the mess section who buchered it and served venison steaks.

 

[MBD0607]

Came into the Dive Locker one morning for a Dive Brief, as we had a training dive scheduled.
Written on the Grease Board in big red letters was "Air Consumption Training". I'm like "what the hell is that?"

Brief starts, and we get told about max depth, time, T&S, emergency procedures, etc. We then get told to grab our gear, and get on the boat.
We get jocked up on the boat, and before I spash, the Dive Supe hands be a mesh bag, and tells me "Now grab them from behind, because the claws pinch. And don't come up until you hit 750psi, or 20 minutes. And your bag better be full".
Then it dawns on me. Crab Season opened that Morning. Air Consumption was how many you could grab in your allotted time.

Welcome to your first Crab Dive, compliments of Uncle Sam.

 

[guppie9]

My older brother (ex-army) was visiting me at my duty station in Alaska one summer (gee....wonder why???). Anyway, he still kept his hair pretty short cropped, but certainly not within regs. We were walking through the PX going to get some lunch when some random 1SG that I didn't know stops us both and starts chewing my brother out about his hair. Without missing a beat, my brother says, "Thats funny, I'm pretty sure I stopped taking orders from d***head first sergeants about 5 years ago." It was all I could do to not start laughing as we walked away with that stunned top standing there with his mouth still open. I was just glad I wasn't in uniform, so he couldn't find out who I was.

 

[AquaExplorer]

Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make
"financial sense", it makes you a retard.

OMG...too funny! We had several girls we called "porch *****s" that were local girls at Ft. Bragg that were just ITCHING to marry a GI. I even had a friend do it....bad, bad decision.

 

[MattJ]

Muscles
Are
Required
Intelligence
Not
Essential

Aren't
Real
Marines
Yet

 

[Grover48]

U S M C 1967 - 1973

Patriotism is not measured by how high you fly the flag or how loud you sing the national anthem.

Patriotism is measured by how you treat your warriors.

My utmost gratitude, thanks and appreciation to each of you for your sacrifice in service to our country.

 

[doc8425]

The three scariest things in the military:

A second lieutenant with a map and a compass.
A first lieutenant with an idea.
A Lance Corporol with a badge.

I know, I've experienced them all!

 

[doc8425]

 

[kingairpilot]

Had an NJARNG 2star get on my boat during a port security mission on the Deleware River in New Jersey several years ago. Full gear, rifle, pistol in a REAL nice shoulder holster, knife, armor, K-pot, etc. The whole nine yards, just missing the parachute scarf and the swagger stick. Anyway, in my capacity as coxswain of the 25 boat, I told him that "...Sir, with all due respect, the boat is not leaving the dock until you rack your weapon, take off the kevlar, and put on a PFD". He stated that "since he outranked me, he was in charge here and to shove off." Salty guy. I then informed him that both common sense and Naval Tradition dictated that as coxswain, I was in charge of the vessel, his safety was MY concern and the boat wasn't leaving the dock until he complied, oh, and IT'S NEW JERSEY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Thankfully, my admiral both hated this jerk AND outranked him.

ka