Why are so many female divers codependent?

[Ana]

so hubby and i went away last week for a great week of diving - every day i put my gear together but some days i asked hubby to load it up on the truck for me (logistics of getting to the dive site) i asked him not because im co-dependant or unable to, i asked him because i was being a lazy sod and i knew he would be a gentleman enough to do it

cheers

There!!!! I find this behavior so much more logical.

We develop subtle ways in a marriage that have nothing to do with being capable or knowledgeable. Many times I get lazy attacks during weekends, my husband can spot them right away, just like I spot his lazy days. Well... on those days one of us is taking the bulk of the work. One of us will load the gear, fill the cooler with food/drinks and make sure the boat has fresh towels.

No apologies are needed or expected, this is just the way he and I evolved in our relationship. Way different than being co-dependent.

 

[sololady]

Being single & no SO, I don't have never had anyone to set up my gear for me. I've always had to do it myself. I do have to grin when a guy offers to help me with my double LP95's AFTER I've already carried them from my car to the set up tables. I guess since I've always had to do it myself, I just automatically do it. If I'm going to dive them, I'd better be able to handle them otherwise, though if a guy offers to help before I get them to the set up table, I'll accept. :blinking:

Geez! You go girl!! double LP95's? One of my regular buddies (healthy younger male type) and I decided to stick with our boat and island dives after schlepin our gear over the dune and across the sand at the PC FL jetty the other day for the first time. I told him maybe we could rig a sled of some sort but he said "forget it...not worth it." What you inlanders won't do to get a little wet time.

Deborah -:god: bowing in deep respect

 

[Astona]

My husband and I dive and we are buddies...
I book all the trips and plan everything, if I have time I take our tanks down to get them filled
He carries the heavy stuff, he is a LOT stronger than I am. Lifting the steel his 117’s and my steel 100’s at times can hurt my neck, so he does it. I don’t feel bad about him doing that for me, nor do I feel I should. I set up my own gear, unless I am taking care of paying or something like that.
We are partners and we share, he just happens to do the heavy lifting and I do a lot of the other stuff. I pack the cooler, make sure we have everything. He also likes watching out for me, He always makes sure I am up on the boat and then he gets on. He likes the feeling that he watches out for me. That is what a dive buddy does… I don’t consider myself codependent, I am thankful he watches out for me.
Just 2 weeks ago I was getting in the boat, and I had to take my fins off to climb the ladder. He was watching me and noticed that the boat jerked up and I lost hold, I went to grab for it and missed it, so I started to swim towards the boat which is a lot harder without fins, and he grabbed me and helped me to the boat. Just what a buddy does.
He is gentleman, he holds doors for me, if we are together he pumps the gas in our cars, its just that way for us.

well I just thought I would add my 2 cents... and I cant wait till Sat and Sun we are going out again...I hope we can get 5 dives in this weekend

 

[DOkie]

Ana -

Since it was late last night when I posted my message, I went back to re-read it so I could understand exactly where I personally offended you. Can't seem to find your name anywhere.
Precious? Bless my heart? What exactly was it that you wanted to call me? I would really like to know. You don't want to be treated like a drooling idiot? And what exactly are you treating me like? So again... I re-read my message to find out where I said it was ok for a guy to push his help on you... aaannnddd, nope, can't find it. Obviously, from your fierce attack on the issue, you've experienced a problem with this. Heaven only knows what tragedies were averted because of your prompt actions to repel offers of assistance. Good for you!

Shame on me for faking it... Let's see. My parents have been married for 50 years. All of these years, my moms been afraid of spiders (only when my dad's around) and my dad still tells her it's the best pot roast she's ever cooked (even when it overcooked and dry). What exactly is wrong with me asking my husband to pull a tank on board the boat, or grab my weight belt after a dive? That smile I get when he's able to assist me with something simple is worth all of the name calling in the world. We've been together for 21 years. And yeah, he still opens the pickle jars for me and I cook dinner every night.

Please don't judge someone you don't even know. I work a full-time job in construction (only female) and dive with a predominately male population in this area. I've learned a lot from these guys and the most important is they like to feel needed occassonally. They don't mean it as women being inferior to them, it's simply genetics.

As for being accused of being a "Little Lady".... If that's what you're going to call me for every once in a while playing on my husbands manhood, for have an awesome marriage for 21 years (including a very faithful and very satisfied husband)... Well then hand me my lipgloss, I'm headed for the beauty pagent....

 

[Sas]

DOkie, you didn't refer to Ana in particular but you did refer to 'We (as women)' as taking away men's "manhood" which I believe would include Ana as she is a woman. I personally find what you said about women taking away "manhood" very very offensive. You think wanting the same treatment as men is taking away their manhood??

 

[fairybasslet]

Many times I get lazy attacks during weekends, my husband can spot them right away, just like I spot his lazy days. Well... on those days one of us is taking the bulk of the work. One of us will load the gear, fill the cooler with food/drinks and make sure the boat has fresh towels.

I think this is wonderful, except for the fact that I don't have a Theo or an Ana's husband so I can be lazy once in a while.:439:

 

[TSandM]

I don't think we've taken away their manhood, but we have certainly taught them to be nervous about showing any kind of gallantry.

Personally, I am an older woman, who grew up in a slightly different era. I am also a trained general surgeon and a cave diver. But I still enjoy having a man hold a door for me, or hold my coat, or pull out a chair. It's gallant and lovely, and acknowledges me as being female and DIFFERENT from them. It doesn't always (or even often) imply that they see me as lesser, but perhaps that they see me as special, which is OK by me.

On my May trip to cave dive, my dear dive buddy did something gallant and I commented on it, and he came back with, "I'm a chauvinist; haven't you realized that yet?" The comment completely floored me. I think of a chauvinist as someone who regards women as lesser -- less intelligent, less capable, restricted in the roles they can or should have. I can't imagine a true chauvinist spending two years diving with a female general surgeon who is staying with him, step by step, into technical training. I think what's happened is that he is a very gallant man, with lovely manners, and a willingness to help, and somehow he's been taught that's chauvinism.

When I finished my two weeks of cave diving in May, I told Kirk I was going to hit the gym when I got home, because I was tired of having to have one of the guys help me with my tanks. He looked at me and said, "Don't be ridiculous. I'm a foot taller than you are and I do heavy physical work for a living. Just let me carry the tanks . . . You go swim laps so you can keep up with me underwater!"

The guys seem to see helping with moving heavy stuff as a logical division of labor; we tend to see it as an admission of weakness, I think.

 

[drbill]

I feel Lynn hit the nail on the head. I have encountered enough women who have bristled and given nasty comments to me when I held the door for them... even though I also did it for the child that came in before them and the man who followed. My response to the ones who can't distinguish between someone being courteous to them and one being demeaning to them is "Whatever!" These reactions do make us have second thoughts about just being courteous.

I like seeing the genders as equal partners when I'm involved in a relationship. However, I've seen frequent enough examples of women who bristle at my holding the door, or pulling out their chair... then expect me to pay for dinner rather than splitting the bill. Fortunately I have met enough women in my life who are very consistent, and want to be my partner rather than leaving me confused. I just haven't met one lately (at least one who is available!).

Of course in some senses all women suffer for the behavior of a few... just as men suffer for the behavior of a few... er, many... OK, most.

My manhood is still intact, although I haven't used it in ages.

 

[DOkie]

TSandM - Thank you. You put it better than I ever could. (Although you are very close to a very unpopular opinion right now).

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone. I'm not saying that a woman should be treated inferior. I believe that there is a distinct difference between the two genders and I for one relish these differences. It's what makes me a woman, a mom, and a wife. All I'm saying is that we have a tendency to make sure men know that we don't need them. "I can do anything a man can do" No you can't. "I don't need a man to help raise my children". A male role model is beneficial to a childs development. Yet at the same time women are picking and choosing when they want to be treated equal. Work in a factory... Do you get offended by the jokes and pin-ups? But you're one of the guys. If we're going to be equal, then let's do it all the way. No more materinity leave. You have to save up your sick time and be back to work at the end of the week. No? But you want to be paid the same as the guy that's there for the 6+ weeks that you're gone....

I'm not saying we go back to not being able to vote, or wearing ankle length dresses. I'm just saying that I take great pride in being a woman. I take great pride in the things that I do for my family and I find it as endearing when a man offers to help me with my gear as-well-as with a heavy bag of groceries. Doesn't make you incapable if you're secure in your abilities.

 

[Sas]

TSandM - Thank you. You put it better than I ever could. (Although you are very close to a very unpopular opinion right now).

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone. I'm not saying that a woman should be treated inferior. I believe that there is a distinct difference between the two genders and I for one relish these differences. It's what makes me a woman, a mom, and a wife. All I'm saying is that we have a tendency to make sure men know that we don't need them. "I can do anything a man can do" No you can't. "I don't need a man to help raise my children". A male role model is beneficial to a childs development. Yet at the same time women are picking and choosing when they want to be treated equal. Work in a factory... Do you get offended by the jokes and pin-ups? But you're one of the guys. If we're going to be equal, then let's do it all the way. No more materinity leave. You have to save up your sick time and be back to work at the end of the week. No? But you want to be paid the same as the guy that's there for the 6+ weeks that you're gone....

I'm not saying we go back to not being able to vote, or wearing ankle length dresses. I'm just saying that I take great pride in being a woman. I take great pride in the things that I do for my family and I find it as endearing when a man offers to help me with my gear as-well-as with a heavy bag of groceries. Doesn't make you incapable if you're secure in your abilities.

I do not need a man for anything I want to do in life. Also I CAN do anything a man can do. If you are talking about physical strength well there are very strong women out there and very weak men, so you cannot generalise, for example, that men are physically stronger in every case. I can rely on myself completely, to be otherwise would not be acceptable for me. I do have a partner though, but we are self-reliant and I would not have it any other way. We have a very independent relationship. I do not pretend I need help from him when I don't actually need help. And I am physically stronger than he is so I do all the heavy lifting. I do not care if others are different though, but DOkie, do not make a statement that makes your views applicable to all women as you were basically saying that all women are like you and think like you

With working in a male dominated industry like a factory - well I work in IT and I studied mathmatical economics so I am well used to male-dominated areas. Do you know what p*sses me off? The fact that men in the past have not treated me the same way as each other. They did not make dirty jokes around me (and I had so many myself to share! ), and in one job I found out I was paid less than the other worker (male) because my boss did not feel women were as good as men as accountants. I soon got that fixed up with the help of a union. Anyway, working in IT now, the average age of the men is 25-35 and they treat me the same as they do each other so it has been great. I think in my experience the younger generation does not see the sexes as so different (though there are exceptions in all generations) so I am very pleased with this. They hold the door open for men and women alike

How is maternity leave relevant? Men get paternity leave of equal length (well at my last three companies I have worked at), so how is taking away maternity leave, evening things up?