Husband & wife buddies

[art.chick]

I took basic OW with my husband. He is gregarious & tall, one of the guys. I am a plus-size gal who is slightly less confident in life in general (partly because I have had a weight gain since we have been married, lost my job, & had some other setback.) When we dive, I am a little tentative. I like the sport, but won't dive under conditions that I consider "scary" ( big waves, coldER day, empty stomach, way too tired.) He tends to shout at me when he is disappointed in my performance (ie: crawling up onto the beach instead of walking) which only makes my nervousness into agitation then terror. By the time he's done with me, I can be in tears. This does not happen with other buddies, who think I'm a patient & fun diver with great navigation skills. Sadly, I had wanted us to dive as a "togetherness" thing, but it is so embarrassing to cry in front of all the other divers, & I think it makes them think I'm weak & scares off other buddies. I need support & encouragement to build my confidence, but I don't think I'm going to get it from him. Anyone have answers on how to keep our mutual interest from destroying our marriage? Any psychological insight on why a guy would holler at a nervous wife in the first place?

 

[Welshman]

Sounds to me as if you enjoy your diving but in conditions that suit you and at your own pace. Your husband appears to enjoy and be capable of enjoying more challenging conditions. I think you both need to find a Buddy who matches your different requirements. There should still be opportunities for diving together but this way you might both enjoy your diving more. I can't know whether he recognises this but better, I suggest, to raise it with him.

As for shouting at you, can't you get a friend to explain to him that it distresses you and, in case he doesn't recognise this, it makes him look small - this is not the behaviour of a man but a bully. Sorry but can't offer any great pyschological insights here.

I should add that I've buddied with my wife a number of times and it has been fun. However, she isn't as interested as I am and like you if the sea conditions don't suit her or if she'd like to work on her tan on the beach she'll stay behind and I'll buddy with one of the divemasters or someone else on the boat. This arrangement suits us fine.

 

[Scubapearce]

One of the greatest pleasures I have is exploring new places with my wife through dive travel. With over 1000 dives together I can't think of a better buddy.

I too am big , gregarious, and on occasion aggressive/assertive, but it would be inapprtopriate to push my best buddy beyond her comfort zone. Like me, your husband should be thrilled that you share this common activity and he should nurture you not chastise you. If he can't see this then perhaps the issues are much deeper than diving.

Tell him how you feel and remind him how lucky he is that you want to share diving with him.

Scubapearce:wave:

 

[jbd]

I have been present at a situation like art.chick describes. It is uncomfortable to all who were witness to the episode.

I agree with Welshman that it makes the man look small and IMHO insecure and scared. I removed the guy from my potential buddy list.

Scubapearces 2nd paragraph should be the gold standard of all dive buddy relationships whether they are one day trips with a stranger or life time partners in diving.

 

[MikeFerrara]

My wife is my primary buddy. We cave and wreck dive. After each dive we debrief. The Idea is to evaluate our performance and the decisions we made given the dive plan and other options we might have chosen. Sometimes it is hard to not take a spouse for granted and take certain liberties when criticizing. As an instructor I see this all the time. Sometimes it is even the woman who is agressive. The point is it must be stoped. The last thing any diver needs is another source of stress. Safe diving is about eliminating and controling stress.

 

[ladycute1]

Hi arti.chick --

Welcome to the diving world!

I'm a stronger, more avid diver than my husband. Consequently, I do a lot more diving than he does. But, when conditions are right, I do enjoy diving with him. Sometimes I find diving with him a bit more stressful than diving with others -- I'm so worried about making sure that he has a good time -- with others, I am able to let them be responsible for having a good time

It's really NOT ok for your hubby to yell at you. It's possible that it might help to point out to him that if he wants you as a dive buddy his actions are working against him.

Finally, as you have heard, there are many of us plus size women diving, and we're having a great time at it! Take your time, learn at you own pace, find supportive folks to help you along, and welcome to th esport!

Liz

 

[Walter]

Sounds like an abusive relationship. I'd be surprised if this is only a dive problem. You may consider looking for professional assistance.

 

[kelpmermaid]

Have you told him point blank how this makes you feel, and that he is being a bully? He's just as new to the sport as you are. Maybe he didn't understand the part in your training about understanding one's limits and not diving beyond one's comfort level. There is just something nasty about pushing someone supposedly love around in public - the Welshman is right about it making him look bad. I've witnessed this on ski slopes, too. Is it a need to be "in charge?"

 

[Welshman]

The phrase "pick on someone your own size" comes to mind!

 

[Weezle]

My girlfriend and I dive together often. It is sometimes easy to take liberty of the whole relationship situation, but I try to help by example and laughter, rather than by another less desirable means...
I agree with some of the above posts, I would sit down in a less stressful situation and talk about it. my .015