Husband & wife buddies

[Green_Manelishi]

this is not easy to say but I say it having seen it all too often:

being unfamiliar with all of the nuances of your relationship
it is my OPINION (fwiw) that your husband is an a**hole
(when it comes to diving with you)

he builds himself up by tearing you down.

he reminds me of my wife's ex: a little weasel who needs a
thumping. heck, the only reason I have not pounded the hell
out of her ex is that she asked me not to do so cuz "how would
it make my sons feel?" (and it would not be the right thing to
do)

talking to him will likely have NO effect other than to further
convince him that YOU are the one with problems.

You have a tough row to hoe my friend.

 

[Northeastwrecks]

Kelpmermaid and Welshman are right on point.

You are not the problem. He is. Plain and simple. I might suggest that he is the one with the confidence problem. I might further suggest mislabeling his Nitrox, but that would be inappropriate.

Belittling another diver is flat out wrong. It is also dangerous if it means that the other diver becomes stressed, task loaded or pushes beyond their limits in order to avoid a confrontation.

Incidently, I guarantee that there are plenty of divers, including some on this Board, who could push your buddy beyond his limits. He simply isn't that good. None of us are.

You are not doing anything wrong by diving conservatively. Diving with a buddy means that you BOTH have input into the dive plan. IMHO, either buddy can terminate at any point in the dive, for any reason and without argument from the other party.

Discussion after the dive is appropriate. Confrontation is not.

I invite correction, but it seems that this was covered during basic OW. I know that my instructor reminded me of it when I started a DM program.

Your profile indicates that your buddy is an instructor candidate. He should consider whether he would treat a student or newly certified diver that way. If so, I respectfully suggest that he turn in his card before he kills someone.

Whatever you do, don't let him stop you from diving if it is something that you enjoy. Instead, contact your local dive shop or club and join them on some dives in comfortable circumstances with nice people and without him.

If you're ever in New England, you are welcome to join us. I would rather dive with a conservative diver who knows her limits than an aggressive moron who endangers someone's safety.

BTW, your entry/exit technique may be nontraditional, but it beats falling any day.

 

[ChrisF]

I have a bit of a different perspective. The board has been pretty hard on your husband. Maybe he's just nuts, but perhaps there's another side to this. It's hard to tell without knowing the specifics about your relationship ......

My wife and I learned to dive at roughly the same time. Although we had the same instructor, we didn't take the class together because: 1) Somebody had to watch the kids, and 2) We wanted to make sure we both came away from the class with solid skills that we could apply independently. All too often, when spouses or significant others are in the same class, one of them ends up using the other one as a crutch instead of developing the skills they need to.

Anyway, my wife and I have been diving together for over 7 years now and it has been a great activity that we can both share. We've learned some things about each other along the way though. For example, she likes to dive in good vis, warm temps, and in wide open spaces. I love that kind of diving too, but also tend to enjoy dives that are more technically challenging, just for the challenge of it. Sue (my wife) doesn't want to be challenged, she just wants to have fun. I know this about her because as we tried different things, she let me know what her personal comfort level was, even if it's not what I wanted to hear. So now, when we dive together, we're careful to select an environment where we know she'll be comfortable. And heck, I'm happy just to be under water at all, so that's fine with me.

Did you go through your OW training with your husband? Did you come away from the training with the confidence and ability to be the leader of your buddy team rather than a follower? If not, go back and get some more training. Don't expect your husband to teach you stuff you didn't learn in your OW class. If he doesn't do it for a living, he probably sucks at it and you'll both just end up really frustrated. If you are comfortable with your skills, then tell your husband that you want to lead, so you can set the pace you're comfortable with.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that, although your husband has a responsibility to not be an a**hole, and to treat you with the same respect that he would treat any other human being. YOU have a responsibility to make sure he knows what you're comfortable with and what you're not. YOU have the responsibility to keep yourself out of situatuations that you're not prepared to handle. HE needs to shut up and listen to you, learn your limits, and plan accordingly.

 

[scubabear]

art.chick,

Always dive only to your comfort limit, not your buddies.
My wife and I have been married 27 yrs., we've been dive buddies for 32 yrs. At one time or another we've called dives just because they did'nt " feel " right, no shame in that.

As far as the yelling, whenever I get impatient or worse, she will simply flip me her version of the famed single finger salute !
This usally has two effects. One is that I'll start laughing my a** off, the other is when witneses to her response start laughing and I try to slink away, properly chastised.

Another suggestion would be to take a dive vac. to someplace like Bonaire, where diving is easy and the nights condusive to cunoodling(sp)


Best of luck,

 

[divediva]

It sounds like you feel stuck between pleasing your husband and being true to yourself. You need to sit back and think about what makes you happy and feel good.

As far as diving together with your husband.....doesn't sound like he's the right dive buddy for you. When I was taking my OW I was told 'Any diver can cancel a dive at any time, for any reason, no questions asked.' I've been in situations where I wasn't comfortable, for some reason or other, and signal to my buddy that I needed to go up. No problem, IF you are with the right buddy.

My boyfriend is an instuctor and we are each others dive buddies on many outings. However, when I'm taking a course, I take the course from a friend. I just think it's sometimes best to have that 'space' between our relationship. I know I would take criticism from a friend must easier then from my husband. You know how that can be......

Keep your chin up, and know that you are a good person and you don't have to be superwoman. You are great just the way you are.



Dive SAFELY:halo:

 

[Ber Rabbit]

Hi art.chick! Glad to have you as part of our scuba family!

Your story hit home hard so I thought I'd trot on into the discussion. Sounds like you're married to a scuba-Nazi. (Oh, by the way I tend to give honest answers to questions, please don't take offense) I dated an emotionally abusive guy for 2 years and before I give any insight I want you to think about a couple of things:

Does your husband yell at you on a regular basis? Has he ever drawn back a fist like he was going to hit you?
Can you do other activities together without problems? How does he act when participating in an activity that you are good at but he is not? For that matter, will he even participate in an activity where this is the case?
(I don't want answers, honestly answering to yourself may help you solve your problem)

Your husband's behavior is unacceptable. He is the one who looks small when he yells at you and makes you cry. My comment to him: "Oh yeah, takes a big man to make a woman cry, aren't you proud of yourself? Go brag to your mom ( 'guess what I did today! I yelled at my wife until she cried!') loser!"

I too am an instructor candidate and if I treated students like he's treating you my instructor would give me a dose of my own medicine!

I don't know how long he has been diving so I'm going out on a limb here. If your husband is all sweetness when you aren't diving then maybe the concept of being an instructor subconsciously scares him. Remember, if he screws up and someone dies the law is going to come looking for him for an explanation. Even if one of his former students dies 2 or 3 years after the last time he saw them he is going to be grilled about their training. That's pretty scary when you think about it. He may just be trying too hard to do everything perfect and he's expecting perfection from you. When things don't go his way maybe he panics a little about what people will think about him when they see you deciding not to dive or crawling on the beach at the end of the dive. Like Northeastwrecks said, it sure beats falling! You aren't a bad person, stop giving yourself such a hard time! Try telling him that your decision to skip a dive is no reflection on him as a buddy, you just don't think you are up to the task and you don't want to endanger both of your lives. If he really wants to be an instructor (or a good diver for that matter)he needs to learn to accept "let's abort" graciously whether he's given a reason or not.

If you think about it and find he's a jerk at other times then it may be time for some professional intervention. Go for yourself if he won't go with you. You need to see that you are not his problem, you deserve to be self-confident in life. If he's just started this since you lost your job, maybe the decrease in financial security has him stressed and acting stupid. Maybe your stress level is affecting him, you sound like you aren't too happy about a weight gain, job loss and another event. Are you snapping at him sometimes? Take a deep breath before you say something and ask yourself "How would I feel if he said this to me?" Try stepping back and looking at your situation from a positive angle. Maybe this is your chance to get your dream job! If you're not working and you're not happy with your appearance try going walking for 20-45 minutes a day (if you're not working you can find time to walk). Exercise clears the mind and can relieve stress. Walk as fast as you can and visualize leaving your troubles behind. BTW, if you keep that up 5 days a week for six weeks you may leave some of that weight behind too!

I've rambled on and probably ticked some people off (wouldn't be the first time) but I've given you my honest assessment of the situation given the limited facts provided. I wish you good luck and would love to know how you're doing. You are SOMEBODY, never forget that! If you're ever in Ohio, look me up and we'll go dive or maybe we'll just go to the dive site, have lunch and take a nap while catching some rays, doesn't matter to me
Ber

 

[sdexcalibur]

many people get carried away with things without even knowing it, you should let him read your posts, It's no fun diving like that. Which I'm sure you know. Hopefully everything works out.

 

[ChuckT]

Ma'am,

This is getting out of the scuba aspect of this question, but the situation you describe is a familiar one to me. My experience comes from being a MP for the past 6 years and responding to hundreds of domestic disputes. With the information you have provided it sounds like a psychologically abusive relationship. I would advise you to seek counseling for your and your husband’s sake. One of the first things you must do is realize under no circumstances do you deserve that kind of treatment. Take care of yourself, and I hope you and your husband work through this.

Respectfully,
Chuck

 

[hannesv]

Some psychiatrists, psychologists, divers and just people. My two cents worth - My wife and i also dive together, did our masters together, enjoy life together, go to movies together, do things together. That is what it is about. But one difference, when we dive we are buddies, but the dive principles are first and foremost. Safety, looking out for your buddie (not my wife), and as was rightly said, if uncomfortable cancel the dive. We both have. But I guess what I want to say - enjoy life together - diving is one of the things we do when living!
Good luck.

 

[srkdvr]

:mean:

Husband & Wife buddies, it can work. I am sorry to hear he yells at you...... that is messed up. I have been certified since 89 and my wife just got certified in 99. The hard part is I load all the gear and unload it at the boat or the site, I put it all together for myself and her, I get dressed and then dress her. I help her into the water and then get into the water. When the dive is over I get her out and out of her gear and then get out of mine. I change out tanks if it is not a boat with air supplied, then do the whole thing over. At the end of the trip I unload the boat and load the truck and then get home and clean the gear and put it up and then clean myself up and rest .

Like someone told me and like I believe... IF THAT IS WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO DIVE THEN SO BE IT.

Rich :mean: