Husband & wife buddies

[simbrooks]

Dweeb - old thread!

Tanks - how did you find and unearth this ancient thread??? You must have searched long and hard for it. Whether you have or not posted in the intro forum - welcome.

 

[scubaranger]

In a way I'm envious because I can't dive with my spouse. I snorkeled with her on my honeymoon and she almost had a panick attack. but no one should be treated like that I hope that treament is only on a dive ( which is bad) and not the rest of the time (which is worse). Men like to push themselves and set new goals and limits and push those too. But it should never be at the cost of safety and hurting the ones we love.
alex t.

 

[mjh]

My wife and I were married for yrs before she took up diving. She was not a strong swimmer, a little out of shape but on a trip to Coz we went snorkeling and she said “I want to be down there!” Well she got certified a few months later, check out dive in 35ft at Crystal River. Her first “real” dive was in the Caymans. She was a little panicky; we got in, went to the front and were going to drop down the anchor line. I started descending, hit 30ft and saw she was still on the surface. The rest of the group was on the bottom so I just signaled the DM to go on. I surfaced to see what was wrong. When I came up to her I could see she was close to tears, her eyes where big as saucers and she was one step away from hyperventilating. The problem was, she could not clear her mask, it kept filling up with water. I asked her to clear it while I watched. Well rather than just separating the mask a little bit from her face and exhaling thru her nose she was lifting it 90 degrees from her face and the ocean was running in. An elephant could not have exhaled that much air. Once we got that taken care of we started to descend. Now the problem was she had a custom made 3mm suit and did not have enough lead on. So with some effort we got down to the bottom, 60ft. She calmed down a little but by this time she was down to about 800lbs so we had to surface, total dive time, 6minutes. At 15ft I had to hold her hands to keep her from shooting to the surface due to buoyancy. It was a horrible 1st dive!

Now I have gone thru this story because when we got on the boat she was again just about in tears and I was trying to be understanding but in my mind I was thinking; “this is sucking all the joy from the sport for me, and that we just wasted a lot of money on gear”.

To her credit she did the second dive, we gave her more weight and she did great! She has fallen in love with the sport and now most of our vacations are dive vacations. After the Caymans she decided she needed to get stronger so she started going to the gym with me, at 5am, 4days per week. By our next trip, 2 1/2months later, she was in great shape. She believes it improved her confidence, ability and added 10-15 minutes to her bottom time. 3yrs later she is still working out and looks great!

Any of us can be selfish when it comes to something we love to do. I had to remind myself she is not as strong as me nor has my experience. I am not excusing what your husband does, the measure of a person is to override their feelings and do the right thing which is to be supportive and positive. Like so many others have said I believe you need to tell your husband exactly how you feel, and agree that when he starts in on you, you can tell him “your being a dive jerk” or some such and he has to take a deep breath and work with you.

 

[Cudabait]

Sounds like an abusive relationship. I'd be surprised if this is only a dive problem. You may consider looking for professional assistance.

I concur with Walter 200 percent.

Regards,

 

[Tanks]

Hell, I dunno how I got onto this one. Blame it on the blind, stupid, new guy trying to help..............If this board had a post deleting function, or a mod deal with it might be a good thing. Looks like I stepped in it. Good thing the private message works, instead of bringing this shipwreck back to the top again like I'm doing now to attempt to vindicate myself, it should have been used after my first post! I learned my lesson.

 

[justleesa]

One of the things you go thru in your Padi training is "Handling Peer Pressure". You, and only you know what you can and cannot do. If you don't feel comfortable making a dive, for any reason, it's your call and not to be judged by others.
There is no excuse for his behavior. Does he like to be corrected if he doesn't do something (above or below) the way you would like to see it? In front of others? I doubt it.
Does he know how much it bothers you? If not, he needs to know and a solution that works for you both needs to be found. Should things not change it would be best to switch buddies, to someone you feel more comfortable with. This doesn't mean you can't dive together in a group - me, in your shoes, would just not want to be his buddy.

 

[happy2dive]

I like the sport, but won't dive under conditions that I consider "scary"

Nobody should ever ever pressure you into diving under conditions that scare you. This also means your husband.

He tends to shout at me when he is disappointed in my performance (ie: crawling up onto the beach instead of walking) which only makes my nervousness into agitation then terror. By the time he's done with me, I can be in tears.

With risk of offending you...I hesitate when advising others about their relationships because there are many many issues and factors outsiders don't see....I must say there is something very wrong here with his treatment of you. And I also wonder, "Why do you put with this from him or anyone else"

This does not happen with other buddies, who think I'm a patient & fun diver with great navigation skills.

Note the difference between his behavior and your other buddies. And don't forget that they think you are a good diver with great navigation skills. Next time he shouts, hold on to this thought and be strong.

Sadly, I had wanted us to dive as a "togetherness" thing,

The diving together bit is not worth a relationship that drains your self-confidence. Some time ago, I split up from my dive buddy after six long years. We got certified together and that experience of our first 15 dives together was special indeed. However, I could not stay with him anymore after years of enduring and nursing him through his increasingly severe manic-depressive cycles, refusal to seek treatment/sporadic treatment and ultimately alcohol abuse. I chose for myself. That meant diving alone with a group of strangers and I admit that's scary at first. But I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. See my report posted on SB under > Scuba Diving Destinations > Africa/Middle East : Super diving in Hurghada Part 1

but it is so embarrassing to cry in front of all the other divers, & I think it makes them think I'm weak & scares off other buddies.

Don't worry about what others think of you. And don't worry about what you think others are thinking of you. If you have to cry you have to cry...let it all out. Hope there's a friend there with you when that happens. When times were really rough, there were days at the office when I stolidly went on programming and managing the administration with tears streaming down...my colleagues and team feeling awkward and helpless...it wasn't nice but it had to happen.

If you can not find support and encouragement from your relationship and if he continues to undermine your confidence, I sincerely hope you have the strength to save yourself. Alone and happy is much better than together and miserable.
Be strong!

 

[miketsp]

Wow, never saw this thread before.
I thought in general people were pretty hard on the husband without having all the facts.
Learning to dive is stressfull for many people but since in general men pick up the theory of diving, gas laws etc, much faster than women they think they are on top of it while in reality they can be really stressed out during the practical part - much more than they would care to admit.
Learning to dive with a loved partner is definitely a source of not necessarily obvious additional worry.
Men do worry about their physical prowess and what others think.
So for all of these reasons I have seen some very strained relationships between couples until they reach 20 - 30 dives when both acquire confidence and relax.

How many husbands successfully taught their wives to drive? I tried and failed as did most of my friends. I love my wife and we have been happily married for over 30 years but I shudder to think of what we went through when I tried to give her driving lessons.

Very few manage because they cannot maintain their stress under control - it's no different.

My advice would be - do some dives apart and then try again when you are both more confident.

 

[mikswi]

I agree with others that what is outlined here, speaks of another problem. One that calls into account ones character and their (in)ability to effectivly communicate with others without chastising,berating or being verbally abusive.

It is the WAY the problems are handled is whats at issue here. I am fortunate in that my wife and I both got cert'd together and we love to dive as buddies. We review each dive and allow the other to offer relevant points if needed. No "marital" liberty's are taken however, we do not insult or berate.

This also reflects how we handle other problems as well. We both came from controlling/abusive relationships and make it a point to present things properly. When she had 3 accidents with the minivan in 4 months (all 3 times-a week in the shop) I was upset/mad but we talked it over and moved on. Yelling does nothing more than give you instant validation and make further communication ineffective. And despite what everybody says, you simply CANNOT "forget" what someone says out of anger. When were mad, we say things that intentionally hurt in an effort to convey how we are feeling, it's a type of protection.

Now im not saying that we dont have our problems, but no matter what the situation or how bad it gets, we always find a neutral ground to start the communication again and its never started with "I'm sorry I called you an @@#$%^".



Hope I dont sound like a shrink, just postin what works for us. Im usually a bit more prosaic but I just dont have it in me tonight. Where's that bottle of Jack Daniels..............He'll get me talkin )

 

[mikswi]

""Dweeb - old thread!
Tanks - how did you find and unearth this ancient thread??? You must have searched long and hard for it. ""


It's still relevant-despite its age, judging by the amount of post's it recieved once it was revived.
(yes, I found my Jack Daniels ) )