Jakeb826
Registered
"Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever did" - Somebody smart
Help!!! my daughter has lost her mind!
- Thread starter rfmad
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From a 21 year old student:
Let her. What's the big deal? 72K is more than enough to live comfortably. If she is going for her PHD it means that she already has a degree. She has something to fall back on. If it is a useless degree, you should be more concerned about that. A PHD building on it would be a waste of time and money.
Not trying to derail the thread, but here is a somewhat similar story. I can sort of relate to her.
I'm a fairly adventurous person. I rock climb, whitewater paddle and scuba dive. I love the water, especially paddling. By the time I had finished highschool I had worked as a guide for three summers. Two summers as a canoe trip guide with an outfitter than paddled many remote rivers. One summer as a whitewater raft guide. For my age I was very experienced as an instructor and guide. I wanted to travel before school, working on different rivers in North and South America. My plan was to eventually go to school to be an outdoor ed teacher.
My parents pretty much told me that they wouldn't support that decision. The job market for teachers isn't great and paddle bum isn't a career choice. I agreed with them. I am soon graduating with an engineering degree and 18 months of co-op work experience. I am not going into a career fresh out of school. I am going to paddle, climb and dive. Making enough money to be happy. When the time comes I will fall back on my degree.
If the business works out and they are happy, that's awesome. If it fails, it looks like she can fall back on her degree. As for the guy, hopefully she chose a good guy.
You can support her decision and let her do what she wants to do to be happy. Or you can force her to do what society would approve of. Life isn't about getting a fancy house full of nice things.
Just my opinion.
Let her. What's the big deal? 72K is more than enough to live comfortably. If she is going for her PHD it means that she already has a degree. She has something to fall back on. If it is a useless degree, you should be more concerned about that. A PHD building on it would be a waste of time and money.
Not trying to derail the thread, but here is a somewhat similar story. I can sort of relate to her.
I'm a fairly adventurous person. I rock climb, whitewater paddle and scuba dive. I love the water, especially paddling. By the time I had finished highschool I had worked as a guide for three summers. Two summers as a canoe trip guide with an outfitter than paddled many remote rivers. One summer as a whitewater raft guide. For my age I was very experienced as an instructor and guide. I wanted to travel before school, working on different rivers in North and South America. My plan was to eventually go to school to be an outdoor ed teacher.
My parents pretty much told me that they wouldn't support that decision. The job market for teachers isn't great and paddle bum isn't a career choice. I agreed with them. I am soon graduating with an engineering degree and 18 months of co-op work experience. I am not going into a career fresh out of school. I am going to paddle, climb and dive. Making enough money to be happy. When the time comes I will fall back on my degree.
If the business works out and they are happy, that's awesome. If it fails, it looks like she can fall back on her degree. As for the guy, hopefully she chose a good guy.
You can support her decision and let her do what she wants to do to be happy. Or you can force her to do what society would approve of. Life isn't about getting a fancy house full of nice things.
Just my opinion.
Last edited:
drrich2
Contributor
Things change a little when you have a kid(s).
Richard.
drrich2
Contributor
Dave:
Sounds like you've got a viable long-term plan; enjoy some adventuring/travel while you're young & relatively uncommitted, then establish yourself in a career. Sounds like a good plan.
I think the very young (21 year old) woman the OP discussed is on a different track. Pursuing a plan unlikely to succeed but fairly likely to run up substantial debt especially given a lack of starting capital, throwing away a pre-paid path to a PhD in the process, to marry a guy with no degree, who hasn't even been in the same country with her over a year, and to top it off, it's quite possible she'll get pregnant, and if she has a kid by the guy she'll never be totally rid of him as long as she lives, even if the marriage falls apart. If she's 21 and on track to pursue a PhD, then despite being technically an adult, she's likely been a student since kindergarten, and has never fully assumed the adult work role; so functionally speaking, she may be more of a protracted adolescent than a true adult.
Very different kettle of fish.
In the mental health field, I see quite a number of people devastated by dysfunctional relationships, infidelity, abuse, being forbidden to see their children by the custodial spouse, being left 'holding the bag' on raising kids by a useless ex. who pays no child-support, etc... So when you asked:
Naturally my internal alarm started blaring. Probably not all of my concerns will happen, of course.
You have a well-reasoned, logical and practical plan for your life.
Wish she did.
Richard.
Sounds like you've got a viable long-term plan; enjoy some adventuring/travel while you're young & relatively uncommitted, then establish yourself in a career. Sounds like a good plan.
I think the very young (21 year old) woman the OP discussed is on a different track. Pursuing a plan unlikely to succeed but fairly likely to run up substantial debt especially given a lack of starting capital, throwing away a pre-paid path to a PhD in the process, to marry a guy with no degree, who hasn't even been in the same country with her over a year, and to top it off, it's quite possible she'll get pregnant, and if she has a kid by the guy she'll never be totally rid of him as long as she lives, even if the marriage falls apart. If she's 21 and on track to pursue a PhD, then despite being technically an adult, she's likely been a student since kindergarten, and has never fully assumed the adult work role; so functionally speaking, she may be more of a protracted adolescent than a true adult.
Very different kettle of fish.
In the mental health field, I see quite a number of people devastated by dysfunctional relationships, infidelity, abuse, being forbidden to see their children by the custodial spouse, being left 'holding the bag' on raising kids by a useless ex. who pays no child-support, etc... So when you asked:
Naturally my internal alarm started blaring. Probably not all of my concerns will happen, of course.
You have a well-reasoned, logical and practical plan for your life.
Wish she did.
Richard.
These "dream" careers end up being a burden for the family. They fail to adequately save money for any type of retirement, usually can't afford a health insurance, and if they have kids, the grandparent ends up paying for everything. It's good to be a screw off, but only if your set for life and can afford it.
Be realistic and find a career that won't burden everyone. Our country is suffocating under the load of takers. They run up huge bills,credit cards, mortgages and what do you know they don't make enough money and the rest of the country pays for them. It's good to dream, but it will be a nightmare for everyone involved. Good luck
Be realistic and find a career that won't burden everyone. Our country is suffocating under the load of takers. They run up huge bills,credit cards, mortgages and what do you know they don't make enough money and the rest of the country pays for them. It's good to dream, but it will be a nightmare for everyone involved. Good luck
I would definitely approach this as a negotiation, "getting to yes" is a classic that may be applicable in this context. The first step would be to take your emotion out of the equation entirely, and try to understand each other's interests. What do you really want? What does she want? Most of your interests are probably shared. The specific plan of going to Puerto Rico and starting a dive business is a steep bargaining position to start a negotiation with, but that is probably only a means to an end, and being a teenager, she probably has way too much of a tunnel vision to see any other paths. Why does she want that? Chances are, the boyfriend has his mind dead set on going there, and she fears that if she does not follow him, the relationship will not survive. If that is the case, then this is, of course, an unhealthy relationship, perhaps you could gently help her realize that, but you may need to be patient. Unless you become a really good listener, and spend a lot of time with her, talking about her motivation, you will not have all the knowledge required to effectively persuade her. Make sure to show no judgment in the process, not argue or oppose her, and just genuinely try to understand and learn more, otherwise you will only be perceived as someone with an insencere and hostile agenda, who tries to kill her dream with negativity, and you will not gain the trust you need to affect her decision. And ultimately, to convince her, you may need to gnerate lots of alternative ideas that can satisfy her interests in other ways, and inspire her with other possibilities rather than killing the one she has her mind dead set on. Besides creativity, you will need information that only she can provide. You might also want to talk to her boyfriend. Can you invite him for dinner, and let him talk at length about his passion?
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