Why are so many female divers codependent?

[drbill]

I love a woman who is truly independent. I'll even let her carry my tanks and weights. Speaking of which, my #1 dive buddy (who can probably dive circles around me even though she's about half my age... or maybe because she is) just e-mailed to see if I'm going to Scuba Show. There will be a lot of very independent female divers there.

 

[MeiLing]

I'm the husband of a very tentative diver. I'm in love with diving, and would don my gear to dive a bath tub. It's all good as long as I'm, in the water. My wife is certified and has been for 4-5 years. She probably has 30-40 dives, although in the same time I've done many, many more than that with classes and I do some cavern. She's had the opportunities, just doesn't take them. We've taken week long scuba vacations at inclusive resorts, and she'll dive once. She gets upset if I try to make plans to dive without her because she wants to dive. She's claustrophobic, and each year it's been a struggle to get started again because if we're away for a few months she seems to build up an unreasonable fear that worries me. I'm afraid she's at that point where anything unexpected could cause her to panic. I ask her to practice in the pool and she won't because it's boring. I've asked her to stop diving if she really doesn't want to but she swears she really does enjoy it and want to dive. I'm at a loss. At this point I'm frustrated. I've managed to get wet once in the last year. If I plan a dive trip she wants to be involved, but always comes up with some last minute reason we can't make it. She says she just needs practice, but won't make the steps to get it. I started looking into solo diving classes and she blew a gasket. Anyone have any advice??

I think that the two of you need some couples therapy with regards to the subject. Seriously! Perhaps then you could get at the root of why she keeps blowing a gasket about this subject when she is clearly not that into it. Perhaps, it would help if a professional, third party let her know that marriage doesn't mean that you constantly have to be joined at the hip. Just because you have some interests that the both of you don't share, doesn't mean that the relationship is going to necessarily implode.

 

[TSandM]

I've seen this, and it baffles me. I know two couples who frequently dive together. In one, the man fusses over the woman, helps her with every little thing, and in the dive, she goes where she wants and he follows and watches over her. I think as a result, she has never really developed completely as a diver.

In the other couple, the man is often very critical of his wife, and you often hear their voices at their car, with his raised and sounding irritated. The wife is a good diver, but she doesn't believe it; her confidence has never blossomed, and I suspect I know why.

I think the dependency issues one sees in diving are often just reflections of the dynamics of the relationship above water.

When I found Scubaboard as a new diver, I began reading a lot of posts, and I found a member who became a major role model for me. Chickdiver, a technical and cave instructor, and former WKPP member -- I saw her as an amazing example of what a woman (and a small one to boot) could accomplish in diving. As a result, I challenged myself with learning to manage gear (and yes, I dive doubles, and yes, I carry them up boat ladders and cenote ladders and to and from the fill station. It isn't easy, but I've gotten to where I can do it.) And I learned to navigate, and to lead dives, and to take new divers out diving. And eventually I learned to cave dive. I think, if you asked any of my buddies, you'd hear that they view me as an equal partner in diving, except for the occasional assist with getting double tanks in and out of cars, or up on tables.

If your spirit is independent and self-reliant, you will be that way in the water. If you're a passive and helpless kind of person, you will be that way on scuba, too.

 

[Cacia]

I think the dependency issues one sees in diving are often just reflections of the dynamics of the relationship above water.

that is probably true generally.

JB handles things above water and I tend to boss him around in the water like the second man in your example. I am striving to be better, because he is very helpful and patient with me on a bike.
I'm not passive, I am just lazy and I like a man to load everything. I am willing to make up for that in other areas. He even opens my car door for me...I like that.

A lot of our magnetic energy derives from his chivalry. I do not want to be am equal partner, just a fair one. ( I bring food)

 

[scoobadivinchick]

Hi Rum Bum

(Cute handle, by the way)

I do see the occasional co-dependent female diver you describe, but fortunately most female divers I know are capable and self-sufficent divers. Some of my female dive friends are instructors, cave divers, deep (tri-mix) divers, etc.

As for me, I've always been very independent and a bit of a tomboy, so although I appreciate a buddy's help when I need it, I am not co-dependent. But I have seen what you are describing, no doubt about it.

I think it's important for women to mentor new female divers by offering support, advice and most of all, encouragement. (Actually I think everyone should do this, regardless of gender). This may help the person become more confident and (hopefully) grow to love diving as much as everyone here does/

Safe diving to you,
Laura

 

[teddyg04]

I am totally able to set up my own gear...but why? I will never dive without him and he enjoys taking care of those things.

Its wonderful to dive with a man that is a strong capable diver that I can totally trust with my life. I know that when we are diving he is protective over me and will keep me safe.

Its not an issue of dependency...its just the way we do things and neither one of us is feeling a heavier burden because of it!

Why set up your own gear? Because it is your life support, and you (as a certified diver) are responsible for yourself. You say you will never dive without him, but what if something happens to him while you're diving? Can you rescue both of you? Can you also keep him safe?

While this can be a safe sport (when you follow your training and don't dive beyond your capabilities), it does carry potential hazards. No one is bulletproof, and unexpected things happen. The best thing you can do as a dive buddy is to become rescue certified; you truly learn how to stay as safe as possible yourself, and to perform self-rescue as well as to assist other divers. It will make you a more confident diver and a better buddy. You might be surprised at how much more enjoyable your dives are when your buddy isn't always having to check up on you.

 

[frogman27]

I think that the two of you need some couples therapy with regards to the subject. Seriously! Perhaps then you could get at the root of why she keeps blowing a gasket about this subject when she is clearly not that into it. Perhaps, it would help if a professional, third party let her know that marriage doesn't mean that you constantly have to be joined at the hip. Just because you have some interests that the both of you don't share, doesn't mean that the relationship is going to necessarily implode.

A third party wouldn't be a bad idea. We've been married almost 20 years, and have a fantastic relationship. We live aboard a sailboat and are working toward early retirement to sail the carribean, and I hope do an awful lot of diving. I got certified in 1988, and dove a lot before we got married. My wifes first trip was with a resort course on our honeymoon. She said she loved it, but we didn't have a lot of money, and I didn't get to dive much over the next 7-8 years, but my wife swears I asked her if she wanted to get certified a few times every year. After 10 years she decided it was time, and took the class. She had a very hard time with it, and that's where she determined she's claustrophibic.

We dove quite a bit for a while, and she got pretty good. She still had some issues, like freaking out if anyone touched her gear under water, for instance to tighten a lose tank strap, but she got to the point where she seemed to be doing really well. Every year we'd have a couple month gap either because work got too busy or or weather was bad, and each time it was like starting from scratch. She'd rebuild the same fear level she had from the beginning. Work got really bad for a while, and we took almost a year off from diving. When things finally cleared up we went to Honduras to an all inclusive dive resort (fantasy island dive resort, bad management, unfriendly staff, mediocre food, dirty rooms, but great diving). We made one beach dive and one boat dive. We tried another beach dive, but aborted after sitting at the surface for 30 minutes while she tried to muster the courage to submerge, and she'd done the exact same dive the day before. I think the ultimate answer is she shouldn't be diving, but it's going to be really hard to convince her of that.

 

[MeiLing]

Frogman,

You'd be surprised how quickly therapy can work sometimes. The job of a therapist wouldn't be to tell her why she should or shouldn't be diving, but to get her to examine the issues as to why she isn't. Sometimes, when folks are pushed to examine how they really feel about things, they make the right decisions mind-booglingly quick.

What she might need is both you and a therapist to tell her that it is okay how she feels about it all and that it is really okay if she doesn't want to dive.

Lots of folks are claustrophobic, myself included, and get over it in regards to diving. I did. But I want to dive more than anything, so I was really motivated for myself. In her case, it sounds like she may be motivated to do it for you, but that may not quite be enough to cut it for her.

What she needs to realize though is that continual efforts on her part, to prevent you from doing this hobby/sport you love, are the kind of things that do erode a relationship.

Diving isn't for everyone and it's okay that it is not for her. She could still go with you on trips and ride the boat or stay behind and shop or sun at the beach or pool.

I'd definitely seek a professional third party. Best of luck to the two of you with it!

 

[Cacia]

Most of the therapists I have known are train wrecks in their own lives.

I'd save your money and just take the free advice here.

 

[MeiLing]

Most of the therapists I have known are train wrecks in their own lives.

I'd save your money and just take the free advice here.

They might be train wrecks in their own lives, but if one can get the job done for him, it would be worth it.

Generally, a lot of professionals are train wrecks in their personal lives: drs., lawyers, even a few nurses I know - doesn't mean that they aren't damn good at what they do professionally.

Also, doesn't mean that they should be treating themselves. In fact, with regards to attorneys, there is even a well known saying that anyone who represents themselves, has a fool for an attorney. The reason being that, when it comes to yourself, your're too close to whatever issues, problems, etc. to be objective. I think the same applies for Drs, therapists, etc.