Why are so many female divers codependent?

[Rhone Man]

I don't know if it has anything to do with perceived co-dependency, but I think there is a lot of machismo in the sport. From men and from women. But generally more from the men.

One of the things that bores the sh@# out of me on dive boats is the way that in the surface interval everyone feels that they have to tell a war story to let everyone else on the boat know what a great diver they are.

 

[SpartanDiver]

My wife and I are currently in the certification process. Throughout all of her dives I made her carry her own tank, assemble everything herself, and take it all back apart, wash it, etc. Even though she is my wife I don't want her or anyone else for that matter in the water with me unless they are just as competent or more with equipment and skills as I am.

I am just as hard on her when it comes to other areas of our relationship. There have been many times where she has wanted to have something repaired and I have either handed her the tool and had her come and help me, or told her to go and research it for herself. Some people call that harsh, but I call it training her to be self-reliant. Does she like it that I am a strong man? Yes, and she has told me so. She likes the idea of feeling protected. But that doesn't mean that she becomes helpless.

I wonder if most of the women you see who are that codependent on their significant other, are only in the sport at the insistence of said significant other?
Generally, when people take a genuine interest in something, they get involved, learn about it, etc.

I think this has a lot of truth to it. I wanted to learn to dive. If it was just me learning to do it I was perfectly happy with that. I have another very expensive, gear-intensive hobby that she has nothing to do with. This time spent away from her actually strengthens my appreciation for her when I come home after a weekend away. However, in this other hobby I see many females who follow their husbands around and participate because their husbands do, not because they have a vested interest in it themselves. It's either an excuse to "get out of the house" for the weekend or simply an attempt to keep an eye on him. The result is that they are often more a burden and a liability to have around because they don't take the time to learn how to do things correctly.

Its wonderful to dive with a man that is a strong capable diver that I can totally trust with my life. I know that when we are diving he is protective over me and will keep me safe.

Ditto. One thing that I know about diving with my wife, those buddy checks are the real-deal. If I have a hose that is caught or twisted, or if something isn't right with my gear she is going to catch it before we hit the water because she has a vested interest in me (at least I'd like to think she does) and has taken the time to carefully look me over. Additionally, when we are in the water she isn't just going to abandon me like another dive buddy might. I can trust that she is going to stick near me no matter what and pay close attention to how I am doing. That is a nice buddy to have. Is it a burden for her? Of course it is. It's a burden for me too, but its a necessary and understandable one. I'm partly responsible for her well-being and life every day. Have been for 11 years. I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[scubamickey]

I've come across a lot of these helpless women. They never setup their own gear and wouldn't have a clue how to troubleshoot a problem. They can't tell you anything about their gear or why they are diving with that particular brand or model. Many times have to hold their SOs hand in order to maintain buoyancy or in one case I saw, because she was afraid of the deep blue water we had to cross to get to the reef. She told me this, that's how I know.

The majority of the women I've been on boats with have been very independent. I know several female tech divers, too. But there always seems to be one who makes all the other women shake their heads. I think some guys like having women be totally dependent on them. They seek them out and then validate their control issues under the guise of just being a gentleman. Others, like my dear hubby, wouldn't dive with me if I were to refuse to handle my own gear or if he thought I didn't know what I was doing. He really hates helpless women. He will be the first to help me lift a tank onto a table if I can't do it, or tell me if my hoses are misrouted. But he also helps men in the same way. There's a difference between helping someone who lacks strength or is disabled and someone who lacks skills or knowledge.

I think it is absurd that some women think that just because you are a women you shouldn't criticize other women's skills and abilities. If you are incompetent I will be the first one to point it out and I don't give a rat's behind what gender you are.

Helplessness among divers is not exclusive to women. I've seen plenty of males who are total soup sandwiches when it comes to diving. It's all a state of mind, imo. That's between them and their buddies. They won't be diving with me, though.


Confession: I hate cleaning the gear and putting it up to dry. I mean really, really hate it. I find all sorts of excuses to get my hubby to do it for both of us. Like go off to make his favorite dinner. But this only works about 50% of the time.

 

[ZenDiver.3D]

As a woman diver I would probably fall into your co-dependent category. My husband sets up all of my gear and is more the lead during the dive. He has 30 years experience to my 2 years of experience. I am totally able to set up my own gear...but why? I will never dive without him and he enjoys taking care of those things. He also enjoys cooking...which I will never stand in his way on that either!

Its wonderful to dive with a man that is a strong capable diver that I can totally trust with my life. I know that when we are diving he is protective over me and will keep me safe.

i

A little late here, I know, but I CANNOT say enough, "HE WILL KEEP ME SAFE<" !!!!! No. no. no. no. He will WANT to keep you safe. You are responsible for you. Your decisions and diving are squarely in your hands, not his. He loves you and wants to take care of you. Of course. But, HE is his own diver and you MUST be yours. He is your dive buddy and should not be expected or determined to maintain your safety or good diving practices. And please don't encourage this anymore.

You MUST know your own gear configuration , set up, safety checks, and maintainence. It's YOUR responsibility. PLUS, if you start taking that more active role, I bet he will appreciate you pulling your own weight. Please think about this. It also encourage lazy, unaware diving. If you are content knowing that he will take care of you, what happens if you need to take care of him? Are you capable now? You should be an equal partner.

I haven't read further posts, so thi may already be said and hashed over. If so.... Well, I said it again.

 

[RumBum]

For the record, I never said All Female Divers are Codependent. I said that IN MY EXPERIENCE I have had a hard time finding female divers who are independent. I have observed a disproportionate amount of dependency among female divers.
NO ONE (male OR female) should enter an alien environment on life support if they are not capable of dealing with problems in that environment. And for the husbands who love their wives and don't see a problem with helping her - carrying gear is polite, but you are endangering both of you if you are not encouraging your wife to be capable of dealing with an emergency if something should happen to you in the water.
It does sound like I should check out some of those cold water locations to find an awesome chick dive buddy! I've never been ice diving and I really want to dive with Belugas!

 

[rhadamantus]

P. Maggie is very capable of setting up her gear, and also competent in the water.
Z...

oh hell, never gave you a reason to do things for me... diving wise. besides, with your camera with you whenever we are diving, i might as well be invisible.

i did ask you to bring back my fins home once, and you grabbed the wrong pair.

 

[ZenDiver.3D]

Just wrote a whole long reply.... and lost it. Stupid computer..
Trying again.
My knowledge bas here is as an instructor and a wife of 16 years.

I have seen many women who fall into the actual topic chicks here- diving because-
1. They think they will be closer to hubby.
2. Hubby wants them to...
They are passive and just don't care what's going on-no opinion
3. They always defer to hubby
4. They know hubby really loves it and want to be closer.
5. Random unknown reason- but not self-motivated

The women like these don't care about diving or much of anything, they are just there, sucking up the air. But they are liabilities because they are not motivated practicing divers. I have seem a share of them. They would never dive if their husband wasn't a diver.
I have seen men fit the gear to the wife according to if the guy thinks it okay- wife just is a mannikin, the guy dresses her,even to fins and mask on face... He fastens her weightbelt, HE somehow thinks he can and does her bouyancy check. He handles her inflator hose... He holds her hand and pulls her a long because she won't kick or control her own bouyancy.... And he thinks it is fine. He loves her. She is helpless and hopeless. I seperated them the next dive and made her take care of herself. Buddies her with me, and made the no hubby rule for the next 5 dives. He had a GREAT time with his other self-sufficient buddy, adn the woman actually loved diving. She learned to take care of herself andnow won't let him do more than the manly lifting. She's also very tiny.. One example only.

Then there are another whole set. I think like what a read of budgirl's first post. They like diving, but allow the husband to take too much of the leadership role. The husband does all the gear and navs the dive, and disassembly, and all.... because he loves to take care of his wife, and is a gentleman. GREAT! Now here is where the woman steps up and takes a more actice role. He will never complain and, in fact, gets great satifcation from it, BUT! Think of the burden and responsibilty. For her and her life.. This kind of thing happens on land all the time and if something ever happens to the hubby, the wife has no survival skills- not through inability, but because she never used them and thus lost them.

I agree Spartan, every woman better be able to handle anything in her life. A hubby is a partner, and she really should be able to do anything. The point of marriage is the partnership and sharing...

I was into scuba before my hubby. I love it. My hubby loves it. He is also now an instructor. Our son and daughter are divers (13 and 10yrs old). THEY set up and clear their own gear. Leave my gear alone. Oh, do you own safety check, THEN let your buddy. You are responsibly for your gear and safety at the end of the day.

Of course, I can tear an engine apart and put it all back together. My Wrangler blew a head gasket.. Shop said 1,200$, I bought the Hane's manual and did it at home for 58$. Nobody tells me I can't do something. My hubby was righteously turned on when I cranked it back up, a week later....
Ladies, the true gentleman LOVE to coddle you, bless their hearts, but you need to be self-sufficient and capable. Let them do the heavy lifting, you do the rest. They will be so proud and love it. You will benefit.

Oh, and you can't change all the weak women of the world, just don't become one, and don't model that to others.

 

[Hemlon]

It does sound like I should check out some of those cold water locations to find an awesome chick dive buddy! I've never been ice diving and I really want to dive with Belugas!

Do you really find Texas women divers to be co-dependent, Melissa?

 

[Papa Steve]

To be fair to RumBum I don't think she ever really generalized. Her words indicated that she was referring to personal experiences. And . . .we should probably give each other a break on a little bit of generalization anyway . . .it's in our nature.
My wife is my buddy. I think it may be worth pointing out that there is a state of being beyond independence. It's called interdependence. My wife and I are secure enough in ourselves and in our relationship to recognize our strengths and weaknesses and to allow ourselves to be served by the other's strengths.
We do a lot of shore diving. I do all the heavy lifting while she sets up our little slice of shoreline. We setup our gear together and doublecheck each other's work. I usually lead on the dives. It's not that she can't. She's a good navigator. She just would rather not. She would rather me do the "work" while she hunts for trinkets. If you were to see us on a typical dive trip, and if you were one to generalize, you might peg us as dependant/co-dependant when that's just not the case. We each have our own love language and enjoy using it to serve one another. She loves to dive . . probably not quite as much as I do. There are a few aspects of it that just aren't as important to her but she's stays competent enough to feel safe. And yes, there is a degree that she counts on me to keep her safe. And yes, it's in my nature to do so. Does that make her unsafe? No. She's committed to maintaining her core SCUBA competencies. She's just like the example in another post. She's happy to have me drive the motorcycle while she takes in the ride.
Peace,

 

[fppf]

RumBum
Come on up at end of Feb.
My wife and I will go ice diving with ya.

In fact there where 2 woman ice divers in this years class. And both did 2 dives in wet suits as a buddy team.