Why are so many female divers codependent?

[MeiLing]

It strikes me that the person asking the question is the very person who should be answering the question. She, admittedly, was that co-dependent female diver for quite a long time before she wised up. Instead of asking others to explain it to her, she should shine an introspective light on her own reasons for having done so.

Quite frankly, I would highly doubt that co-dependent female divers spend much, if any, time on a SCUBA BB talking with other divers about a sport/hobby that they dearly love.

 

[LittleGuitars]

As a male diver, I can say that I never noticed any dependency/codependency issues going on. Women divers wouldn't bother with the hassle of the sport if they didn't truly enjoy it as much as the man. Granted, when a man and woman dive, the man may usually lug the heavy stuff, but the woman assists just as much in getting ready...whether they are a frequent diving couple, or just diving buddies new to each other.

It was a girlfriend of mine that introduced (and addicted me) to diving, and she was certainly not a dependent/codependent by any stretch of the imagination.

I know this is a Women's View Community Forum, but I just wanted toss in my two cents. Carry on ladies!

 

[down4fun]

I am an independent diver. I got certified without a buddy or friend. My first 6 months of diving I did 100 dives and 99% of the time, that meant me showing up at the boat alone. I set up my own gear, I carry my gear. I have gone on dive trips alone. I think the process of being a independent diver has made me stronger in other areas of my life and made me realize I can do things alone. I just bought my first house...alone.

However, I would not turn someone down who offered to carry a tank for me, just to prove I don't need help. At times I guess it is hard to find a balance between being an independent and strong woman vs appearing aloof, or intreverted.

 

[Soakedlontra]

not me im an ocean swimmer and diver I got into it all by myself ...i suit up assembly and carry my own gear ...need some advice tho on which bc to get im replacing my bc, want to get the new aqua lung pearl ...not sure tho...I like the mares allikai anyone have any of those bcs can you give me some input on which to get?

Susidiver by your location it looks like that you dive in cold water. If I am right, I have tried several BCs, unfortunately none of the ones that you are considering buying:depressed:, and at the end I decided to go for a DSS Back Plate Wing with a harness similar to a back pack configuration. It gives me the flexibility of switching from one to two tanks without having to change the whole gear and I carry fewer weights (the plates on its own weights about 5lbs).

It was very frustrating for me shopping for a BC and I am glad that my buddy/husband had more experience than me and was able to help me out in deciding what was right for me. But my buddy was not the only one! I got a lot of good advises from folks from the ScubaBoard too.

Happy shopping!

 

[Soakedlontra]

My buddy-husband keeps comparing the numbers of dives that he had done so far with mine. Of course he is joking but I feel that somehow this 'joke' is reinforcing the false perception, on my part, that he is the 'expert' and I am the novice (which it is true not doubt about that!).

Well last Sunday during a drift dive it turned out not to be the case! The current was about over 3kt and while I wanted to be a fish and swam leisurely against it (thinking that I was not doing anything wrong!) he kept drifting away almost out of sight. When I turned my head and saw him so far away I did not expect it at all!

I still don't understand why I ended up changing the dive plan, which was drifting with the current TOGETHER!, and ended up holding on into the current to look at the marine life instead (I guess I lost focus and boom!). He was behind me but could not swim to catch me up! What? Somebody with so much more experience than me? I even got annoyed because he was not able to swim by my side!

The thought that he may have been experiencing problems did not hit my brain until I swam back to him and he gave me the signal that something was wrong!

I don't know what got into me, I got almost mad at him because he had problems that I could not 'see' at all and I wanted to terminate the dive straight away and go up to the surface and so I signaled him...I guess it was the first thing that came across my mind and I don't think it was the wisest one! I soon realized what a hassle was to surface in the water column without a point of the reference in the semi darkness and having to hover at 15ft for a safety stop etc. So I aborted this idea straight away and we began swimming back to shore following the bottom.

I have never seen him struggling so much before! The bottom was rather steep and he had to dig his fingers in the cobblestones to prevent the current to drag him away. At the beginning he was too positive (he wears a dry suit and I have a semi-dry one) then even if he was negative he felt the current was dragging him away still!!!

At that point I began to get worried and I really wanted to help him out but I had no idea what to do! Trying to pull him up the slope did not seem a good idea. I could not understand why he had so much hard time to deal with the current while for me it was not a big deal at all! I had to kick harder that's all!

Now I feel totally stupid and really sorry (even mortified) for being such a bad buddy at the beginning of the dive, assuming that he was some kind of 'Superman' who could pull himself out of dangerous situations without too much fuss!

I hope we both have learnt a lesson after this dive about not pretending to be a fish while drift diving, improving underwater communication and mood management!

Stop, breath and think instead of getting mad!

 

[Ana]

I still don't understand why I ended up changing the dive plan, which was drifting with the current TOGETHER!, and ended up holding on into the current to look at the marine life instead (I guess I lost focus and boom!). He was behind me but could not swim to catch me up! What? Somebody with so much more experience than me? I even got annoyed because he was not able to swim by my side!

I'm not sure I get your point.

Only quoted the portion of your post that has the "dive plan" but there is more to the post I don't get.

Seems like you don't appreciate your buddy insinuating (even if joking) that he is an expert.
Then on a dive you ignore the plan and then insinuate that you are better (stronger swimmer?)than him. This could be just my perception, I'm not good getting hidden meanings so let me apologize in advance if I'm off here.

Anyways, there is a difference between starting a dive from the get go against the current and going with the current then suddenly having to go against the current because some one decided to do their own thing. Along the same lines, it is also easier to hold position than gain ground.

Again, this could be a wrong perception but, looks like there is some competition going on with your scenario. I don't believe the spirit of this thread (not that I can call it MY thread, by any means) is about women against men. I took this thread to mean that some women have the potential to put themselves in situations that can be dangerous by not taking charge of their dives.

But hey.... it does feel good to swim against current for a while, doesn't it? there are times I can position myself just right and go through, other times I can't make headway for nothing.

 

[Soakedlontra]

I'm not sure I get your point.

Only quoted the portion of your post that has the "dive plan" but there is more to the post I don't get.

Seems like you don't appreciate your buddy insinuating (even if joking) that he is an expert.
Then on a dive you ignore the plan and then insinuate that you are better (stronger swimmer?)than him. This could be just my perception, I'm not good getting hidden meanings so let me apologize in advance if I'm off here.

I tried to explain the reason why I have still a tendency to be dependent on my buddy as best as I could, but I guess I didn't do a good job!

The point is not that I don't appreciate him insinuating that he is an expert, it does not bother me because it is true that he has more experience than me. The point is that somehow 'unconsciously' I take it for granted and expect him to be able to be 'in charge' in every circumstances! In other words if something goes wrong it seems to me that I still expect him to sort everything out! I am actually blaming myself for being so dependent.

Anyways, there is a difference between starting a dive from the get go against the current and going with the current then suddenly having to go against the current because some one decided to do their own thing. Along the same lines, it is also easier to hold position than gain ground.

I did certainly find that out!

Again, this could be a wrong perception but, looks like there is some competition going on with your scenario. I don't believe the spirit of this thread (not that I can call it MY thread, by any means) is about women against men. I took this thread to mean that some women have the potential to put themselves in situations that can be dangerous by not taking charge of their dives.

Competition has got nothing to do with what went on during that dive! It has more to do with being a couple and taking liberties that otherwise we would not have taken because we are so intimately familiar with each other, I think. It turned out that during the first part of the dive we both got mad at one another and our communication broke down! However we were able to 'patch things up' during the second part of the dive and avoid putting ourselves in a more dangerous situation and terminate the dive safely.

Since the end of the dive we have been 'dissecting' and discussing it to try to understand what went wrong and how we can improve and become a better team. We realize that both of us made mistakes and took things for granted and that we need to work on these weaknesses.

But hey.... it does feel good to swim against current for a while, doesn't it? there are times I can position myself just right and go through, other times I can't make headway for nothing.

It does. So far it has always been like that. I haven't experienced a real strong current while diving yet.

 

[Ana]

Well, I did get it wrong.

There are certainly a lot more things going on between a pair a of married divers than just a pair of divers.
I also dive with my husband but don't exactly follow the buddy system. Our diving is converging over the years as a result of sharing so many dives together, but not from following any dive plan.
We both had our diving habits well set before getting married. Obviously it is different when diving starts afterward.

I imagine that the more you guys dive together the better you two will do. Not only as far as the communication part but the actual diving. Can't imagine what can be better for a marriage that sharing dives.

 

[ChristyV]

When I used to windsurf, I also used to see a lot of women who would flag down their husbands/boyfriends to come in and change their sail or help with their rigging. My husband has never gotten involved in the stuff I like. He doesn't even like the water. When we used to ride bicycles, I used to fix his flats and keep his bike tuned. Some years back I competed in the ironman triathlon in Kona. I was pretty contemptuous of a woman who had such long fingernails she said that her husband always changed her flats. She did a lot better than I did in that event even though her husband wasn't allowed to help her. When my husband and I married 31 years ago, his only request was that I NOT take up golf. I have been happy to comply but when we travel to countries where golf carts are not common, I always caddie for him, not even renting a "trolley". I just tote his stuff over hill and dale, even tho he is 6'4 and very strong. I just like getting the work out of carrying stuff. I always carry my own gear and tanks and I love it because lifting heavy stuff builds our bones! I do recognize that I am blessed by my ability to do these things and hope it will always be so. As I age, I may need help getting my stuff in and out of the water and I hope that someone will be there to help me and no one will say I sould not be allowed to dive. I think there is going to be some future for the dive industry for geriatric diving and many of us WILL need help. I don't have any problem with the ladies that let their husbands help but my advise is KNOW HOW, keep in practice, help those who can't and DO IT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

 

[ChristyV]

Oh, I forgot to say...there is a difference between dependency and co-dependency. What you are describing is actually dependency. Check out your local bookstore for books on co-dependency!