Why are so many female divers codependent?

[livinoz]

I got in to SCUBA after a divorce...something I always wanted to do and a reward for surviving. Something I coudn't afford while married. And something he didn't show interest in.
I take myself to the dive shop when ever I want to check out some new gear or just browse and smell the neoprene...Anyway, I don't consider myself codependant. I join the dive trips sponsored by the LDS and just have fun.

I carry and set up my own gear. I research gear and ask questions at my local LDS. I weigh all my needs and wants verses cost and then make my decisions. Maybe I'm a fluke.

Sure it would be nice to have a dive buddy who did all the hard stuff while I get to look at the pretty fishes, but I don't think I would have as much fun.

Wow, do I know that feeling. Surviving was half the battle, getting my confidence back is the rest.

It irks me a little that there are women who aren't independent in this sport, but it's not from some "book-bashing-feminist-point-of-view". I see those "dependent" women all the time where I dive, putting on an act for the benefit of some guy. Why bother? We're people first, so can't we make up our own minds, do our own thing, and enjoy it, without being an "appendage" or "beholden" in some way to a man? I don't think it’s so much "shyness" either, more something that our society promotes, an image of a woman needing a man, and for some women it's obviously easier to go along with that than fight it. Some men also like their women to be "dependent", but don't hang me out to dry; I know there are men who aren't threatened by a woman who has her own opinions!

I also took up scuba as a reward. I went ahead and did the research, completed the study, took the classes, bought the gear, and got the certification. Now I get out there and find myself a buddy and go diving whenever I want, carrying my own gear and doing it my way. The guys I dive with just see me as another diver enjoying the day, and I don't want to be treated any differently. And why should I? To me, that's really satisfying, being an equal partner. So no, you're not a fluke, you're an independent person getting the most out of something you enjoy!

 

[Cacia]

nice avatar

 

[livinoz]

Thanks

 

[rainbowtrout22]

You know, I have done some very "guy" things in my life thus far, and nothing has come close to the amount of gender issues compared to scuba (and I've only been diving a very short time).

I think it may be that this is the first activity I've taken up with my husband, as opposed to a situation where the ONLY option the instructor/LDS operator has is to talk to me. This isn't to say we haven't had great instructors, because we have, and I love our diveshop, but the following are interesting:

--people assuming I'm being pressured by my husband into scuba
--being asked if I would like to color coordinate my gear or would prefer a pink wetsuit, while explaining how the gear works to my husband. example: Having them show him how to adjust his new harness and tell him to just do it for me later (something about not wanting to because they might accidentally touch a boob?
--if something breaks, others wait for him to fix it, but run over and take it out of my hands/do it for me.
--God forbid I ask the husband for help or consult on anything--I immediately feel judged as a codependent diver (also, every time I screw up).
--The instructor offering to carry my tank for me and assuming I am the 'weaker' partner. (husband and I are same height, same weight, and same build)


I carry all my own gear, but I'm terrible with buckles and screws, etc. Setting up gear, every once in awhile a cam or screw I've done a million times will suddenly make no sense to me. I think I should be able to ask him for help without being thought of as codependant or an incompetent diver.

That said, after people have gotten to know me a bit, the above issues get better. But it would be nice if they weren't assumed out of the gate.

 

[In10se]

Haven't read the entire thread, so please don't pound on my perspectives if they're a rerun.

"Can you help lift this heavy widget?" ... is not the bigger issue here to me as a man. If it's a hassle for a 5'2" 105 lb PERSON to hold and get into a 40lb whatever, then I'll gladly lend a hand regardless of gender. I imagine a stout 5'11" corn fed lady from Nebraska would do the same.

Mental co-dependency is what I have a strong dislike for. Worse, the ingrained perspective of being expected to do the heavy lifting, not just physically but systemically, is a huge turn off for me.

 

[carolrose]

The thing that kind of sucks is the other side of this--where those of us who are independent, and are doing this for our own reasons, doing are own thing, etc, can't ask for help of any kind from anyone because we don't want to be judged as helpless weaklings with no minds of our own.

I carry my own doubles into the shop for a fill, but it's really hard for me to put them on my back and stand up from sitting on the floor without someone giving me a hand to get up. I can do it, but 2 seconds of help from someone else makes the job 10x easier. It's a shame that it's so difficult to accept that 2 seconds of help because of the perception that it would make me a helpless girl in other peoples eyes.

 

[shoturtle]

Do not get in to the judging of others like the elitist thinking that some divers have. There is nothing wrong with asking for help, and there is no reason for someone to look down at others when they require help. This is a rec sport for enjoyment. Why make it harder to enjoy it by being judgmental.

 

[tattat]

Agree 100%. My BF does not dive and has no interest, so, I go out and dive with friends/dive buddies or just show up on the boat and dive with whoever needs a buddy that day...I'm not shy and I don't care what ANYONE thinks about me...I do it because it is something I truly enjoy.

As I have told my son many times...if you are afraid to do something new because you are worried about what other people think of you, then you will miss out on many fantastic adventures in your life. As Nike says, "JUST DO IT"...and who gives a hoot what anyone with their nose in the air thinks of you...those people are probably not YOUR dive buddy anyway!

 

[keytofreedom]

With me, it's a competence issue. I refuse to be dependent on my physically stronger dive buddy. I love, as a 54 year old woman, seeing the reactions of fellow divers as I carry my two tanks down the long pier to back to the fill station. It makes me feel strong and competent. I don't want anyone touching my equipment, either. "I can do it!" (bratty inner child) We help each other slide those arms into our bc's but that's a courtesy thing. I, too, was in the process of a divorce when I started diving and was married to a man who was always in control. Now I am in control of something and should be anyway of all things I have enough competency to handle well.

 

[Grish]

I've been thinking about this thread lately. The guy I've been seeing and my dive buddy on all but 13 dives I've done is WAY more experienced than me. Now, he knows I am perfectly capable of carrying two tanks, assembling my own gear, and he actually realizes that I'd be annoyed if he tried to coddle me at all. That said, when we get under water, he runs things. I've let him up until now because I wanted to focus on all the cool stuff I was seeing (though don't take this to mean I wasn't very cautious watching my computer and air). Now I realized that I don't really have much confidence as a buddy if I were to dive with someone less experienced than me. He and I are diving together a lot in the coming month and a half, so I'm going to have to bring up this concern at some point and hopefully adjust what happens under water so I have some room to grow and don't develop bad "trust me" diving habits.