Death of my Son, I need some help

[letterboy]

honestly, I’m sucking at carrying on. I’m doing it, but not well. I appreciate all of you.

Sending you support and comfort.

 

[divad]

honestly, I’m sucking at carrying on. I’m doing it, but not well.

Are you doing it well-er than you were?

 

[wetb4igetinthewater]

honestly, I’m sucking at carrying on. I’m doing it, but not well.

I don't think any parent is good at that. People who live the worst nightmare possible in losing their child must have to push through every single day. I can't imagine a day that isn't a struggle. I just have this baseless hope that time will heal. But I don't think it really does.

 

[Superlyte27]

Are you doing it well-er than you were?

depends on who you ask and the day you ask.

 

[divad]

depends on who you ask and the day you ask.

That sounds familiar..., crap, I'm outside on the deck weeping about my dead little sister (38 tears ago) right now while my 90 year old dad is making mashed potatoes and suggesting that "when the mood strikes [me], how about cooking up the steaks." He doesn't know I was briefly weeping...or, more likely, he does. You have to compartmentalize...sometimes the compartment pops open....like when you read about someone else's loss.

 

[Jafo19D]

I don't know what it's like to lose a child but I do know the guilt part.

Towards the end of my first tour in Iraq the situation for our Area of Operations (AO) which was part of the Triangle of Death was changing so we went down from 4 teams to 2 and I was the Team Leader for one of them. When this happened we re-orged and I lost my team sergeant to the other team. With just a few week left we received the guys who were going to replace us and the first guys to come were an officer and an NCO for their advance party. Their officer, CPT M, accompanied us on several patrols and had a good time.

Eventually their main body arrived and their unit would be divided into two halves plus a HQ element just like we were. I would show the new guys around the southern half and the other team leader would do the northern half. The incoming unit's commander would spend a few days in the north and would later go to our small base in the south so he could go out on some of my patrols. The night before the second day of patrolling my commander said there was a change of plans and that the new incoming commander wanted to tour the southern section (mine) a few days earlier than planned. This meant that before going on the actual patrol I'd have to lead another one up north to pick this guy up and then travel back south to conduct the actual patrol. I told my commander that this was BS and that it ruined all the planning so he relented and told the other team to take him down to my area so that I wouldn't have to pick him up.

Well the other team got hit with an IED of explosively formed penetrators (deadly things that will cut through anything) and one of the gun trucks was just decimated. The gunner was cut in half (from our unit); my former team sergeant bled out on the helicopter, CPT M who I had gotten to know really well when he accompanied us on several patrols hung on for about a week died in Germany the day we got back to FT Bragg, a medic from the incoming unit and who I had just 2 days earlier briefed and told him that they would be ok (he was nervous) was an instant KIA and a 5th soldier lost an arm but survived.

All these casualties because I asked that the other team to do a mission that I was tasked with. Furthermore the officer in charge of that ill fated patrol was a lot more laid back than I was and I was told that when they were hit he froze. I honestly feel that had I been there at least one or two of them would have made it. It wasn't logical for me to feel guilty but I did so I know where you're coming from. All these years later (this happened on May 5, 2006) I think about those guys every f******* day but the sense of guilt has practically disappeared. Yes it was my decision that put these things into play but it wasn't a wrong decision. Same with the bike; for your sake and your family's sake I really hope that you will shed that guilt soon because it's not in any way your fault.

 

[mhattenhauer]

It's been three years since my daughter was murdered. I still have so much anger in me that there are days I cannot function in public. I am trying to focus my energy on the son she left behind. He is four now and loves the water. He will be my scuba buddy in the future. I see so much of her in him its crazy.

It never gets better. All time does is numb the pain a bit to make it easier to deal with.

 

[Schwob]

It never gets better. All time does is numb the pain a bit to make it easier to deal with.

I believe that to be true.
I am fortunate to not know it to be true or otherwise on your or the OP‘s scale of pain ... and I say „yet“ just to not jinx anything.
But, from other losses, my experience also is that time and the other experiences we make in time, while never serving as a replacement for the loss, do still give us those other experiences, reasons, connections, ... , to trudge on and even, at times, give us reason to enjoy the trudging and with that life ... all while never forgetting or replacing what we lost.... as corny as is and as unhelpful and seemingly insensitive as is (I mean it far from insensitive, not that that helps...) in many ways, such is life...

 

[Dallaskimg]

I don’t know where to start, but I’ll jump right in. I lost my 16 year old son a week before Christmas and I’m not handling it well. My wife says that I need to talk to someone about it. But I hate everyone. I especially hate the people tell me stupid cliches like “God needed another angel in heaven”, or some stupid crap like that. I’m not looking for people to pity me, or tell me “we’re so sorry for your loss”. Thank you. But what I really want is for people who have been through this with a child specifically to tell me how the hell you got through it. Because frankly, I’m not sure I can.

My son was pretty awesome. He was pretty sarcastic and always threw in a, “that’s what she said” at the most inappropriate time, but he never got into any trouble. He was generous and thoughtful. He wouldn’t tolerate bullies. He was a hard worker and saved his money. He was reliable and dependable. He had no problem saying, “I love you” or giving me a hug, even in a crowd of his friends. Honestly, he had the best traits of me, and none of the crap I had as a teen or adult.

It’s pretty terrible to lose someone that you have such a great relationship with. We shared so many hobbies together and so many hours together every day. Our day would close every night with him walking in the back door after work telling me how his day went. We’d watch a little bit of TV before I’d say, “Brian, I gotta crash, can you lock up?” It was just our few minutes together every night. I still sit on that couch at 10:30 when he’d normally walk in.

My wife and I were going into Orlando to grab cell phones for Christmas when we came upon the road closed by FHP. It was barricaded off and we couldn’t see why the road was closed. It would be an hour later before FHP notified us that our son was killed in that accident.

You know, I don’t have the normal regrets I hear, like a fight that lasted months, or constant battles over drugs, alcohol, school, whatever. But I do regret that I didn’t spend more time with him instead of working so much. I do regret that I never spoke to him the day he died. I typically didn’t wake him before I went to work. We’d spend time together at night, not in the morning. I do regret buying him the bike that he was killed on, even though everyone keeps telling me, “that bike made him the happiest he’s ever been”. FU, it also made him the deadest he’s ever been when a car didn’t see him and turned in front of him.

I feel like an idiot for buying that bike. Of course my wife tells me if it wasn’t the bike, it would have been something else. It was just his time to go. That’s another FU. Everyone keeps telling me to trust in God. I’m so mad at God. Which is an issue, because I’m a deacon and associate pastor at a church I’ve been a member of for a long time. I want nothing to do with God and at this point don’t even know if I could be considered a Christian.

I don’t know how to keep going. For the first 3 weeks, I blew through a small fortune in an attempt to stay busy and not think about the devastation. But no matter how much money I spent, or what state my pillow was in, every night was still filled with loss and tears.

I’m supposed to talk to someone. I’m not sure it’s fair for my friends and family to have to put up with me for them level of anger and toxicity I have. So, I reach out to you...

Have any of you been through this? Are you willing to talk about it either here or in PM? How did you get through it? I’ve lost parents, best friends, siblings and mentors. This is 100x worse than I could imagine, and I wouldn’t wish it on the worst person. How did you survive?

I ask here, and not on some random grieving forum, because over the last decade I’ve come to know you guys somewhat. You’re not a complete stranger and we have a some history through these threads.

I am sorry for your lose. How are you? I randomly came across this today. With the recent anniversary I’m sure your struggle is a little harder.

I’ve not lost a child, I wasn’t fortunate enough to have one. My sister died in a car accident in our driveway while my mother unloaded the groceries at age 2. My moms 1st brother died as a infant from cystic fibrosis and her second brother died in a car accident at 19 years of age. I’ve been very close to 2 women who experienced that loss. They would say you’ll never get over it, but it does get easier. My mother couldn’t even talk about my sister for 40 years. The guilt, the emptiness, anger, and so much more. I was just a child when I lost my sister and my faith helped to eventually be satiated in the fact that she is in a better place. The world we live in is a mess, the last year oh my... She was a beautiful little girl, too precious to endure what this world has to offer, so God took her back.

Nothing I can say will make your loss any less. It doesn’t matter that your not alone or any of those other things people say. You have every right to be selfish about your pain. In saying that I also have little doubt that your son would want you to be there for your wife/ family, to find pleasure in life, to do things in his memory that you once did together or things you wish you had done.

I’m just saying Hi and know I’ll pray for you and your family.
I hope your diving, the water offers a temporary bit of peace. Sincerely Kim

ps I really just logged on to find out some info about how soon I could dive after my bunion and hammer toe surgery. You didn’t help that a bit, but thank you for sharing. My heart hurting for you reminds me of things that really matter.

 

[Bubblesong]

I’m praying for you and your family too!