Death of my Son, I need some help

[Bubblesong]

Your other three children are thinking of him too. How old are they? This day they might want to talk about memories of him, especially all the stuff he could have gotten in trouble for, they can “spill the beans” I’ve lost three siblings and Dad, and that is what the remaining seven do, talk about the rascally and the really cool things we remember about them.

 

[Schwob]

Still there. Still useless to you, but still there...

 

[woodcarver]

This month Brian would have turned 18. I can't believe how hard this month has been. Don't admire my "strength and courage". I have neither. I plug away because I have three more children that shouldn't have to face more loss. If it weren't for that, I'd be dead or in jail. Frankly, that's my daily battle, staying out of the ground and out of prison. I did buy family plots when Brian died, so I have that going for me at least.

Anyway, this all sucks. Some days it's more than I can bear and I don't even make it out of bed.

Time; it is the only thing that makes any of this easier to deal with.

As you are finding, special events are the hardest to deal with, but in the daily routine, those memories that pop in can be good. After 26 years, they are even more precious.

And you are right, your other kids need you. Lean on each other, it does help.

 

[chillyinCanada]

Bubblesong's advice is excellent. You aren't going through this alone, most certainly not in your own family.

In the time of Covid, it's probably hard to figure out something special to do with the whole family to celebrate your son's, their brother's life and 18th birthday day, or mourn together. I wonder how your children really feel? Do they feel like they lost their brother and half of their father?

 

[MichaelMc]

Bubblesong’s advice is something I’d have to do. For them. But it may help you.

 

[FinnMom]

In 1952, my parents lost a daughter at 1 yr age to an accident, had 2 small boys to care for, more afterwards (inc. me). From what I understood from them, there was nothing for it but to focus on trying to help the rest of the family cope, and focussing on living in the here and now, because you never know what tomorrow might yet bring. Dad lived it too, I remember 20 yrs later him allowing us younger kids, even encouraging us to enjoy any little thing that dragged us back into life after mom died suddenly - in the middle of her life, and our childhoods. I have never lost a child, but I’ve had a couple deaths that I found (find) hard, esp. one that came out of nowhere, as accidents do.

A death is a full body blow; it shakes you absolutely to the core. And it sounds like your loss just had a dozen additional heartbreaking details making it exceptionally hard to disentagle from your thoughts. You just gotta let in a little sunshine or warmth whenever you get a chance. Try to live in these moments so you can enjoy anything on offer, regardless of what the big picture looks like. You live life day to day as best you can, collecting as many pleasing moments as possible, and let the years go by. I don’t think we ever feel any better about these losses, we just get more used to the pain, more skilled at distracting our thoughts, less shocked by our occasional breakdowns, and definetly less shocked by the news of the loss itself - amazing how many yrs it takes for the shock to lessen, but getting accustomed to the idea that this did happen is a small help that definetly does come with time.

You have made it this far and it’s a huge accomplishment. You write about your other children and your wife, so you are considering them as much as you can too. Give yourself full credit for what you can manage. The vast majority of us will never be up against anything so challenging, certainly nothing so long-term a challenge. I’m so sorry you are all going through this and I hope things get brighter for you. Fight the good fight and try to focus on helping others in the family cope, doing so might bring your own mind at least as much peace and comfort as you are able to offer the other person. Even if it doesn't help you, if you only made at the other person feel better, that’s still a win. You don’t need to know what to say, just listen. If no one talks, just being there is good too.

We’re pulling for you.

 

[chillyinCanada]

@FinnMom, Beautiful, thank you.

I'll use this in my own life

 

[Noogascott]

I came across this thread yesterday and felt compelled to replay. I have been a lurker on scuba-board for 10 years. This thread is the reason I joined and am commenting on a forum for the first time. Like you, I have lost a son. He was killed in a car accident in 2009. Our son's were close to the the same age. My son had been 17 for one day. I am several years ahead of you in the grieving process. You have probably learned by now that being busy and tired are good things. Especially during holidays and birthdays. We typically go out of town during those times. I am sure you have already realized that there are no easy fixes to your grieving. Though, people will try and tell you things to help make it better. My wife and I chose to forgive all the dumb comments because you can't talk it away. I like the old saying "if you're going through Hell, keep going." It sounds very much like you have kept going. Keep focusing on your family. That too is what helped me stay alive. There are a lot of people on this board that are pulling for you. I am one of them. I believe that your son is pulling for you too. I am open to help you in any way I can whether through the board, email, or phone. I was blessed to have people who had lost children help me. Hang in there because it does get easier. May God bless you. Scott

 

[Downing]

This thread made me cry. It's just so sad.

Both of my parents lost a sibling when they were kids. It cause permanent damage to their parents, especially to my paternal grandmother who dealt with it by crawling inside a bottle and never coming back out.

I lost my Dad many years ago, but my Mom just turned 91 today. I'm beginning to worry that she's going to outlive me, which would be so awful for her.

I don't have any words of wisdom to offer. I do admire that you've carried on as best you can.

 

[Superlyte27]

This thread made me cry. It's just so sad.

Both of my parents lost a sibling when they were kids. It cause permanent damage to their parents, especially to my paternal grandmother who dealt with it by crawling inside a bottle and never coming back out.

I lost my Dad many years ago, but my Mom just turned 91 today. I'm beginning to worry that she's going to outlive me, which would be so awful for her.

I don't have any words of wisdom to offer. I do admire that you've carried on as best you can.

honestly, I’m sucking at carrying on. I’m doing it, but not well. I appreciate all of you.