You'll die if...

[Matt S.]

After a year in scuba it seems like I have heard about a million ways you can kill yourself. Some are obvious and serious. Others are the result of an unlikely (though not impossible) chain of events. And there are those which just start arguments. Which is not my goal--I just thought it would be fun to list the Nine Million Ways to Die.

You'll die if...

You don't cut the balls off your dump valve pulls
You go into a cenote without cave training
You do a swim-through without cave training
You rely on a dive computer
You dive solo
You dive a rebreather
You don't have the LDS assemble your new regulator
You use a corrugated hose with pull-dump
You hold your breath
Your boat leaves without you
You use a Halcyon stainless steel inflator
You "elevator" lever gets snagged
You go below 60 feet without taking AOW
You do a night dive without taking a class
You are hit by a diver falling off the boat ladder
You kick up the silt
Your Velcro weight pouches fall off
You can't get to your knife with both hands

... you get the idea.

What are the other Nine Million Ways to Die? I know I am forgetting some good ones.

 

[Beach_Bunny]

If you look at fish the wrong way they have feelings too

 

[almitywife]

you forgot "if you use split fins" and "if you dont use split fins"

 

[Matt S.]

That's a good one

 

[Blackwood]

Right under "You don't have the LDS assemble your new regulator," I'd add

"You have the LDS assemble your new regulator"

 

[almitywife]

i personally think you should add "you will die if you DONT pee in your wetsuit"

 

[roughwater]

How about You'll die if you don't DIR, or if you do DIR ;-)

 

[SteveAD]

right next to "if you rely on your computer" : if you don't use acomputer.

 

[JeffG]

you forgot "if you use split fins" and "if you dont use split fins"

Ankle weights.


They will get you every time.

 

[Blackwood]

you forgot "if you use split fins" and "if you dont use split fins"

Ah yes. Or an Air2. Or a Spare Air. Or a pony.

You'll die when your long hose inevitably chokes you.
You'll die if you train with <insert dive agency>.