You thought your yearly reg service was bad...

[The Chairman]

These are actual maintenance defects reported by aircrew in the US Air Force and the responses by the ground crews: -

Defect: - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Signed off: - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
Defect: - Test flight ok but auto landing very rough.
Signed off: - Auto landing not installed on this aircraft.
Defect: - Something loose in cockpit.
Signed off: - Tightened something in cockpit.
Defect: - Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Signed off: - Evidence removed!
Defect: - DME volume unbelievably loud.
Signed off: - Volume set to more believable level.
Defect: - Dead bugs on windshield.
Signed off: - Live bugs on order.
Defect: - Autopilot in "altitude hold" mode produces a 200fpm descent.
Signed off: - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Defect: - IFF inoperative.
Signed off: - IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Defect: - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Signed off: - That's what they're there for!

and best of all.....

Defect: - Number three engine missing.
Signed off: - Engine found on right wing after brief search.