Why do guys do it?

[00scuba]

Why do they do it? Most likely because they can.....or think they are charming or funny or that it just might work??

i have yet to understand they male intellect. wait a sec...Male Intellect...is that an OXY MORON???? LOLOLOL

 

[Scubaguy62]

(Shifting the topic, but only slightly.....)

The answer, I know, is "No, not all". But wouldn't a heck of a lot?

My friends are all 40-50 and up. Nowadays it seems like most of the married men -- tortured by midlife crises? -- are making clear, unmistakable sexual overtures at me and the other single women.

None of them are pretending undying love. They're either, or both, 1) seeking the strange; and 2) looking for a break from "Honey, have you mowed the lawn yet?"

Both of which seem like pretty weak reasons to break marriage vows -- at least to a single person.

Any insights?

DM

IMHO, a 40 ish man is no different than a 40 ish woman, in as much as both men and women like to see that the "younger" generation give them some sort of attention, especially of a flirtatious nature. However, much like Kennedydive said, it's a question of respect for your spouse. I'm in my early 40's and while I'm not exempt from the proverbial "mid life crisis," you won't see me making those overtures, simply because I love my wife, I love our children, and I respect them. But most of all, I respect myself. Thus, I agree with you that both reasons are weak when referring to breaking the marriage vows. Actually, I believe there is NO reason to break them, and to say otherwise, IMHO, is an act of cowardness.

The reason I compared men to sharks was purely from a standpoint of instinct. I am glad, however, that unlike sharks, I have been blessed with the opportunity to stray away from instincts by the gift of free will!!!!

 

[aussie_shark_bait]

If you do not like the way someone treats/talks to you - why is it your BF position to say/do something about it. Speak up for yourself - tell them they are beeing tools f%#k off and them and you get over it. Really is it a big deal in the huge scheme of the relationship.

I have no clue what to say about your flirting for gain as i have no understanding why you think that is okay but someone just having a bit of fun with you isn't okay, of course it isn't my place to judge, you should be doing that for yourself.

 

[opiniongirl]

Thanks for your replies. just to clarify, i dont flirt with them, they come on to me and i reject every pass or attempt. this doesnt stop them. my bf doesnt flirt with girls i know and he wont allow them to with him. the only time i flirt, i know this will make me sound like a bad person, but its to mine or someone's gain, ie. extra drink at a bar, let me in queues, fix my car, distract a guy while my friend goes for a girl etc, i figure if they are going to offer i am going to talk to them, why not. its happened to me b4 and ive learned from it. just a bit of fun, nothing serious. lotsa people do it. my bf doesnt mind and i dont mind if he does that in the opposite case. we know where we both stand. but when it is his FRIENDS, im dumbfounded as to why my bf is not annoyed, and why his friends still persist. maybe it is an insecurity all round...including my bf?

Sorry, Zoe..

But isn't that kind of like wearing no bra and walking down the street - then complaining that everyone's staring at your tits?

If these guys know that you flirt, enjoy it, and use it for personal gain, what on earth advises these friends that you're "hands off" to them? You telling them to "stop, stop" and then go dancing with them? Of course they won't take you seriously!

Taken girls don't need or want (and are extremely vocal about it) attention from their boyfriends friends. Girls who would ditch their guy the second something better drifts pass enter into "situations".

 

[om_lemonshark]

Raposa said: "Have you heard of the conceptual artist Adrian Piper? She used to hand out the following cards when the situation called for them.

http://www.ku.edu/~sma/printedart/piper2.htm

What do you think?"

I checked it out and think Adrian Piper is really on to something. Zoe why don't you make your own cards like that? Also, I think Raposa is right about dealing with the issue directly and in no uncertain terms.

If you skirt around the issue and really don't want that kind of behavior you are disrespecting yourself by not standing up for the treatment you deserve. And if this is the case, then I think you should really reflect inward and understand where that is coming from. Sometimes people enjoy annoying behavior that makes them feel good or makes them feel pretty.

And if you care about global sisterhood then I would add that by standing firmly and clearly against disrespectful and unwanted behavior you contribute to the protection of women worldwide by educating people to the fact that they cannot assume they will get away with unwanted behavior. Personally, I *do* believe in such a sisterhood and understand that any stand I take against such harrassment is a stand I am taking not only on my own behalf but on behalf of women all around the world.

Om,
LemonShark

 

[Zoe83]

HA! i like those cards they are classic, id prefer to just tell them off if they get out of hand tho. i seem to have got the message across the other day, they backed off when i made clear i was not interested in them at all. maybe it is my bf talking about me a lot/bragging to them. i saw him do it at uni that day, i dont mind, but if any of his mates try anything again i'll make it clear that even tho my bf talks about me a lot doesnt mean i am to be shared around. i know my bf wouldnt say anything bad about me so that isnt a worry. just how theyre perceiving it, and opiniongirl, i make sure i dont flirt at all with anyone in their prescence cuz i know that would make them think i will do it with them. i dont know if my bf has made comments about me doing it before tho in joking. its not a huge issue, and i keep putting them in their place. I dont make light of the issue with them and i really do tell them what is what, ive never let them into my personal space and correct them constantly. so no i am not skirting. what i havent done is have a huge yell about it with them, and really i dont think the situation is that severe. honestly, i think all but one has got the message, they were very good the other day, and they were drunk as, but this last one may have a genuine interest in me, not just flirting, if he tries one further anything i will have to reinforce again, and tell my bf to reinforce it too. that is really not on, especially as he doesnt really know much about me. so then, it appears this problem isnt that common and that only jerky guys will do this, not just any for competition. maybe i have a way about me that attracts ****oles..who knows lol but im glad ive found one good guy out of them

 

[divemistress]

http://www.ku.edu/~sma/printedart/piper2.htm

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Said conversationally, said politely, the second paragraph omitted for brevity -- that's an AWESOME response to unwanted advances by sober, decent guys. Drunks and jerks -- well, nothing short of a baseball bat or a flick knife will get rid of them.

DM
Bearer of one Louisville Slugger
and two Ken Onion knives .....

 

[SmokingMirror]

With respect, Zoe83, there is of course the possibility that you are reading much more into this than is intended, perhaps from feelings of insecurity about not being attractive to men, perhaps not, I'm not in a position to say (although "maybe it is my bf talking about me a lot/bragging to them. i saw him do it at uni that day, i dont mind, but if any of his mates try anything again i'll make it clear that even tho my bf talks about me a lot doesnt mean i am to be shared around." is one of your more worrying comments).

Regardless, your posts on this thread don't seem especially self-aware. I'm in no way dismissing or belittling what might actually be a genuine concern for you, and if it is then I'd say that raposarose's advice has hit the proverbial nail squarely on the proverbial head, however, it is worth bearing in mind that scbababe's post (#14) does make some valid points, and even if they don't apply to you, they're worth reading as something to bear in mind.

Of course there are some men out there who behave like sexually immature gorillas, more so when fuelled by alcohol, just as there are women who behave in equally moronic ways. The important thing to remember – and to respect – is that human beings are massively complex individuals, and a little self-examination of your own behaviour is never a bad thing. If, as you say, you’ve asked these men to stop, and they haven’t even though it continues to bother you, why continue to socialise with them? If it’s because you feel that you have to play some dutiful part to your boyfriend by going out with him, is a man who "has said he likes showing me off" and who "[talks] about me a lot/bragging to them. i saw him do it at uni that day" really somebody you feel respects you? If the above is accurate, then these friends of your boyfriend are receiving a fairly unsavoury picture of you, regardless of whether it is accurate or not, and acting on it in a way they believe to be acceptable. I have to say that, with respect, you also give the impression that you are not entirely against the idea of men competing for your attentions.

 

[Zoe83]

my initial conern was my bfs choice of friends, it seems he doesnt really care about them, and he is acting like a normal 21 year old male. he has his insecurities and likes attention so i know why he talks about me, but as i said he would never disrespect me. that is not my concern. i have read everyones posts and considered them. i wasnt asking for an overview of myself because i know me and i looked to myself before i asked why they did it in the first place. when i get drunk i talk a lot, and i used to flirt, but now in a relationship i dont, i stay close to my bf, but talk a lot to others too. i dont touch anyone else excessively or flirt. i like my bfs attention and i like to socialise with people, but i dont like this kind of attention from his mates..if i did, i wouldnt have started this post at all. it is my decision that they are probably just being immature and in another country they act sillier. this one guy left is my only worry now. the rest have got the message. he will be easy to fix since he likes me and is not just flirting, and hes the most sensible out of the lot so i will be able to tell him how it is and get mad if he goes stupid again, and he wont think im horrible. i know he'll apologise if i sit and talk to him. I'll work this out i just wanted to know if anyone else has had the same problem before..

 

[divad]

Is it just me or are all guys disrespective of their mates relationships? ALL of my bf's mates flirt with me, and the drunker they get the more blatant it is. now i cant say I'm not a flirt, but i DONT do it with my friends bf's or prospective ones at that. same goes for my bfs mates. i try and act like one of the guys or encourage them to talk to a girl they like. my bf isnt worried about it either, he says its understandable. I'm sorry but no its not, i would get rid of any girl friend of mine who did that with my bf, its disrespectful and insulting. its great that he trusts me but i just cant get over him not caring about his mates doing this. and i cant stop them from doing it, all i can do is put a stop to especially disrespectful behaviour on the spot, but they dont learn, they just keep doing it. I like attention but not like that. I would much prefer to be good mates and have a normal conversation that didnt involve increasingly inventive ways of asking for my number, or getting me out on my own. it hit breaking point the other nite when i took one onto the dance floor so he could find a girl he liked, and he didnt even try. he wouldnt stop looking at me and trying to get closer, everyone noticed. it really sucks and just puts me in a bad mood. no matter how much i tell them im happy and i love my bf, they wont stop. does this happen to anyone else? what do you do?

They do it for the same reason women do it . If you think you're not doing it, maybe you're not paying attention.