Why do guys do it?

[Scubaguy62]

Zoe83, let me try and put this in a different perspective than what others have. My wife, scbababe has given you really good insight, and not to defend her position ('cause she doesn't need it), but to perhaps give you a guy's perspective, let me make this comparison.

Men are quite similar to sharks. Sharks are Apex predators, and indiscriminally pursue anything that resembles prey. So, elementary, if people in the water don't look like prey, sharks are likely not to bother them. (scbababe will disagree with me on this, but....) The reason why men act this way is due to one thing of which women have very little, testosterone. While levels of this hormone vary from man to man, it is nevertheless why men (straight men, that is) pursue women, regardless of who they are, or who they befriend. If the woman gives the man, conciously or otherwise, any room for pursuit, guess what, he will pursue her.

Some men have a better handle on their testosterone driven instincts, and would, for example, ask your boyfriend if it would be ok if they danced with you. This, IMHO, is more of an act of respecting you than it is an act of respect towards him, although it is nevertheless. Your boyfriend's "mates" obviously have no respect for you, and perhaps very little for him. What I would suggest is that you ask yourself why do they not have respect for you; am I acting, conciously or otherwise, like "prey"? Your boyfriend obviously has more than enough reason to trust you. However, you need to trust yourself as well, and perhaps the only way to avoid these situations that make you feel uncomfortable is to remove yourself from the equation all together.

 

[Kennedydive]

Don't paint all guys with the same brush. I do not flirt out of respect to my wife. I have been married for 12 years. Does this mean I don't find other women attractive? Hell no! Does this mean I don't do double takes if I see women in a bikini sundress or anything that makes a female look GOOD? Not likely. If I was single would I be would I be trying to pick these women up (without success)? Damn straight. As far as I'm concerned it comes down to respect for the person you're with. Alcohol sometimes brings out your deeper desires without thinking. It's in every single one of us but how you act depicts what kind of man you are. I heard someone say something like this once and I absolutely love it. "All men are pigs. Some just oink louder than others"
JK

 

[outlawaggie]

I like how people forget alcohol is a drug, and you WILL behave differently on it.

Drunk words are sober thoughts. IOW alcohol doesn't change people it just lets the real person show.

 

[scbababe]

H2Andy, theyre my bf's only american friends here, so he likes their company, they relate better than most aussies do to him, so i try not to let things bother me. Theyre not bad people, its just annoying having to repeat myself. Theyre quite well behaved when they dont drink much, just when they do theyre stupid.

Zoe, let me understand this, you are having this problem with American men ONLY?
The men in Australia don't come on to you? Just your bf's American friends and only when they drink, is that right?

 

[Zoe83]

scbababe, his aussie mates gave it one go and dropped it when i told them to back off, but these americans arent getting it, maybe its because theyre visiting and are pressing for a good time cuz they think i will fall for another american. who knows! they flirt a bit when theyre sober, but they try more when theyre drunk. i saw them recently and they were doing it again, so i stayed close to my bf and was paying him lots of attention and kinda ignoring the others. i dont care if they think im a bit*ch i just want them to stop so i can have a good time too. it seemed to work a bit. she'll be rite.

 

[divemistress]

Men are quite similar to sharks. Sharks are Apex predators, and indiscriminally pursue anything that resembles prey.

(Shifting the topic, but only slightly.....)

The answer, I know, is "No, not all". But wouldn't a heck of a lot?

My friends are all 40-50 and up. Nowadays it seems like most of the married men -- tortured by midlife crises? -- are making clear, unmistakable sexual overtures at me and the other single women.

None of them are pretending undying love. They're either, or both, 1) seeking the strange; and 2) looking for a break from "Honey, have you mowed the lawn yet?"

Both of which seem like pretty weak reasons to break marriage vows -- at least to a single person.

Any insights?

DM

 

[seakdivers]

I really don't have much to add to this thread other than when my boyfriend was in Australia, he was told by a woman at a bar "with that accent you could have any woman in this room".

We laughed our a**ess off!! We both got so much attention from the people over there that it was a bit strange! lol

To many people, "foreign" is more appealing.

 

[jepuskar]

Sounds like you're cute.....what are you doing later?

 

[hvulin]

Don't worry, flirting won't kill you!

If you don't like it, then wait for them to start drinking and then leave... (you can allways say your head hurts. )

 

[raposarose]

Zoe,

If you do not enjoy their flirting, and you consider it to be disrespectful to your relationship then here is my suggestion. You should be able to enjoy your time with your boyfriend without that discomfort.

On the occasion when one of them flirts tell that person in no uncertain terms:
"You are flirting with me. I am not attracted to you and I do not enjoy your flirting, nor do I find it humorous. I find it offensive. If you feel that you are not flirting, then you should understand that I find your current behavior offensive. It will be more comfortable for both of us in the future if you stop."

Don't be nice or coy or understanding about it. Don't smile or sugar coat it. Don't just ignore it, or stay closer to your boyfriend to send messages. Confront the issue directly. This may be uncomfortable for you to do, but it should have the desired effect. If not, those are pretty bad friends your boyfriend has.

Have you heard of the conceptual artist Adrian Piper? She used to hand out the following cards when the situation called for them.

http://www.ku.edu/~sma/printedart/piper2.htm

What do you think?

p.s. As for what other people say about your own flirting...I won't judge you there. I think you have gotten a variety of perspectives on that and I would just say to look into yourself and decide it the pleasures and benefits of it are worth possibly sending out the wrong signals (since flirting for gain = acting available...and of course not only the one you flirt with notices this). Are there times and situations when it is ok and times when it isn't? You decide your answer, it's whatever makes you happiest, and if your relationship is important to you, whatever helps to sustain it.