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Sassyalice should get the jokster of the year award ... I started reading all her jokes yesterday and finally finished today !!! LOL... and I'm jealous of all the places she's gonna be diving in the near future!! WOW !

Cerebral Origami--"It one of the first hings I look forward to every Monday morning when I check my email.

(I also mercilessly rippoff the jokes and forward them to the rest of the office! "
You must have a very happy bunch of people with lots of smiley faces in your office!!:D
 
Sorry I have be remiss in adding to this. So enjoy!

TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20..00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of depositsissued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
 
In 2009 the government will start locking up

all the mentally ill. I started crying when I thought of you.

Run little buddy, run.
 
>> > An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta. Bert

>> > always wanted

>> > a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he

>> > buys

>> > them, wears them home, walking proudly.

>> > He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything

>> > different

>> > about me?'

>> > Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

>> > Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks

>> > back

>> > into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he

>> > asks, a

>> > little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

>> > Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging

>> > down

>> > today it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again

>> > tomorrow.'

>> > Furious, Bert yelled 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,

>> > MARGARET?'

>> > 'Nope,' she replies.

>> > 'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

>> > To which Margaret replies..........

>> > 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, Shoulda bought a hat.'
 
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in Windsor,
Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

'We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife
Said one Mountie.
'Tell me! Did you find her?' the husband shouted.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news, some good news,
and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news First.'

The Mountie said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
Found your wife's body in the bay.'

Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked,
'What's the good news?'

The Mountie continued, 'When we pulled her up, she had 12
Twenty-five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her.'

Stunned, the husband demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's
The great news?'

The Mountie said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.'
 
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!


The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams.' These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.


The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grand-mother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.


She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie.' If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
 
A Canadian Indian picks up a hooker.
'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
He says 'Do you do Indian style?'
'No' she says.
' I pay you $200 to do it Indian style'
'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.
'I pay you $300'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've
had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.
How bad could Indian Style be?''.
So she agrees and has sex with him.
They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting
something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly
is 'Indian style'?'
The Indian replies 'You send da bill to da Government'
 
A guy sitting in a bar at the airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.



He thought to himself: 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?'

Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: 'Love to fly and it shows?' She gave him
A blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: Damn, she doesn't work for Delta.'



A moment later, another slogan
Popped into his head. He leaned towards her again 'Something special in the air?' She gave him the same confused look. He
Mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.



Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: 'Smooth as Silk.'
This time the woman turned on him, 'What the **** do you want?

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and
Said, 'Ahhhhh, Air Canada.
 
Men's Pearls of Wisdom

1.. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4.. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ' Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
 
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on
> British TV and radio
>
>
> 1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a
> lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
>
> 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it
> when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
>
> 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is
> Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was
> amazing!'
>
> 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
> 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the
> Cox of the Oxford crew.'
>
> 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold
> Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes
> out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
>
> 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time
> Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
>
> 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
> have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob,
> where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE
> have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
> laughing so hard!
>
> 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much
> better today after a 69 yesterday.'
>
> 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North'
> said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
> like this. '
>
> 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky
> Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
> gets.'
>
> 11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a
> male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
> 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come
> in his shorts.'
>
> 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
> Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick
> likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
>
>
 
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