Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sassyalice]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'


I love this.....


Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,



'Winnie the SH*T'

 

[sassyalice]

Birthday Calculator

 

[pidgiepoo]

Just want to let everyone know that it might be the end of the year before I find a joke that Sassyalice hasn't posted here..so you may not here from me for awhile..but I'll be reading...LOL

 

[sassyalice]

Sorry about that.

I was working on a joke book for about 6 years. LOL but with the kids and the house and life in general. I haven't had time to put it between covers. I have loads yet. I will get them on here then someone else can have them. Not like I wrote them personally or anything

 

[sassyalice]

Kids Are Quick!
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

 

[jupitermermaid]

Adult Truths:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear yourcomputer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realizeyou're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I wasyounger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. (ya, think?)
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sureI know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how theperson died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment in the daywhen you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for therest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don'twant to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me ifI want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear Idid not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not toanswer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday orSaturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod andsmile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers andsisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still notknow what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keysin a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away,in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 andthe first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

 

[sassyalice]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: The DNA all matches & There are no dental records

 

[jupitermermaid]

Birthday Calculator

This is so cool! I did the horoscope too. Very accurate!

 

[pidgiepoo]

Let's face it.....

After Monday and Tuesday...

even the calendar says - W T F.

 

[sassyalice]

I the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss 8-|
The Response : After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You sometimes leave work early.