Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sassyalice]

According to a news report, a certain private school in
> Washingtonwas recently faced with a unique problem. A number of
> 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in
> the bathroom. That was fine but after they put on their lipstick, they
> would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
>
> Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the
> next day the girls would put them back.
>
> Finally the principal decided that something had to be
> done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
> maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
> major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
> (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
>
> To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the
> mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort
> was required.
>
> He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the
> toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
>
> Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
>
> There are teachers. and then there are educators.
>

 

[sassyalice]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..


The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'


The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'


'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.


'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.


'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

 

[sassyalice]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?


A . They don't have balls to scratch!

 

[sassyalice]

>A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish unlike
> >English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
> >
> >'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
> >
> >'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
> >
> >A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
> >
> >Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
> >groups,
> >male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
> >computer'
> >should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give
> >four
> >reasons for its recommendation.
> >
> >The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the f
> >eminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
> >
> >1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
> >2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
> >incomprehensible to everyone else;
> >
> >3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
> >later retrieval; and
> >4. As soon ;as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
> >half your paycheck on accessories for it.
> >
> >(THIS GETS BETTER!)
> >
> >The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
> >('el computador'), because:
> >
> >1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
> >;
> >2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
> >
> >3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
> >ARE
> >the problem; and
> >
> >4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
> >little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
> >
> >The women won.

 

[sassyalice]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity


14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOMS ARE.

 

[sassyalice]

*Very Sad News*

There will be no Nativity Scene in Ottawa, Canada this year! The
Supreme Court has ruled that
there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Canada's capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any
religious reason, they simply have not been able to find Three wise Men
in the Nation's capitol.

P.S. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to
fill the stable.

 

[sassyalice]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded home..

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''

 

[sassyalice]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

 

[sassyalice]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain , 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would
happen.'


'I should be in charge,' said the blood , 'Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'





'I should be in charge,' said the stomach,' Because I process food and give all of you energy.'

'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'



All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and theblood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...

The ******* is usually in charge

 

[sassyalice]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate,
not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said,
'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally,
but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried