Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sassyalice]

A Professor was giving a lecture on Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." The professor had a laugh attack (including involuntary muscular contractions) and couldn't continue with the class.

 

[sassyalice]

Sunday's sermon was---Forgive Your Enemies.



Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you


have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.



The minister then repeated his question. All responded this time,


except one small elderly lady.


"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"



"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.



"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"



"Ninety-eight." she replied.



"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how


a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"



The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the


congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

 

[sassyalice]

Best Quote Of 2007
By Chris Rock, comedian
2-28-07
'You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.

 

[sassyalice]

During a visit to a mental institution the visitor asked the Director:
'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

 

[sassyalice]

A BOTTLE OF MERLOT

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and
indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the
wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided
to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering
nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
the gentleman.

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own
in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to deliver it to the lady.
It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a
Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in
my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a
10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana.
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.

Just send the bottle back.'

 

[sassyalice]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

'What's the matter?' he asks.

'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.

'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'

'I can't see my ass coming into work today.'

 

[sassyalice]

It was a hot day in Saskatchewan.



Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven,

Then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.



'Gootness, it's hot,' she mused to herself as she went down Main Street.



She passed by a tavern and thought,



'Vy nodt?'

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.




'Ya know,' Helga said,

'it is so hot I tink I will have myself zee cold beer.'


The bartender asked, 'Anheuser Busch?'
Helga blushed and replied,

'Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?'

 

[sassyalice]

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, 'Good morning ladies.'

The novices replied, 'Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you.'

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, 'I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.'

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, 'Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today.'

'Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you.'

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, 'She got out of the wrong side of bed today.' Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker.

As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary. 'Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day.'

'Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning.' Mother Superior was floored!

'Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today people have said that about me.'

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. 'Oh, don't take it personally Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.'

 

[sassyalice]

I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up,
Will Power helps me get out of bed

Then I go to see John .

Then Charlie Horse comes along,
& when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention.

When he leaves,
Arthur Ritis
shows up & stays the rest of the day.
He doesn 't like to stay in one place very long,
so he takes me from joint to joint

After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad
to go to bed With Ben Gay.
What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with
Al Zymer

and thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or
JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.




Thats it I am done for the night

 

[sassyalice]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.


The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy ****! That must be my husband!'



So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man.


He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car.



A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman 'I AM your husband, you slut!'



The woman yelled back, 'Yeah??? Then why were you running....you Son of a Bitch !!!'



And that folks............is how the fight started.