Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sassyalice]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They
>had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no
>secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in
>the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or
>ask her about.
>
>
>
>
> For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
>one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would
>not recover.
>
> In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
>down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
>
> She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the
>box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
>totaling $95,000.
>
> He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married,"
>she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to
>never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just
>keep quiet and crochet a doll."
>
> The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
>Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him
>two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
>happiness.
>
> "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of
>this money? Where did it come from?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the
>dolls."

 

[sassyalice]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there......................

 

[sassyalice]

Estate Planning:
> >
> > A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and
> said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your
> > affairs in order.'
> >
> > The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
> waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we
> > women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't
> go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to
> the
> > club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a
> little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
> >
> > They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who
> were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
> >
> > The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
> >
> > 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast and gave the
> woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned
> over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and
> you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'
> >
> > The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your
> father after I'm gone.'
> >
> > That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'

 

[sassyalice]

The population of Canada is 32.5 million .



1 4.5 million are retired or on welfare .



That leaves 18 million to do the work.



There are 12.5 million in school.



Which leaves 5.5 million to do the work.



Of this there are 1.5 million employed by the federal government.




Leaving 4 million to do the work.




.1 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with Afghanistan & finding Osama Bin-Laden.




Which leaves 3.9 million to do the work.





Take from that total the 3.6 million people who work for provincial and

municipal governments.




And that leaves .3 million to do the work.



At any given time there are 228,000 people in hospitals and care homes.




Leaving 72,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 71,998 people in prisons.



That leaves just two people to do the work.



You and me.




And there you are,



sitting on your ass,



at your computer,








reading jokes.



Nice. Real nice !!

 

[sassyalice]

DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for
> dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids
> what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them
> guess. The kid were eager to know what the meat was on their
> plates,so they> begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said,
> 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'. The little girl screams to her
> brother


'Don't eat it, it's an *******..> >

 

[sassyalice]

Why We Love Children !

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible
ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady
isn't wearing a seat belt!'

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
those of his parents.'


POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my
K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy
staring in at me 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he
asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked
at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, 'What'd he do?'

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by
the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for
the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not,
darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache
the next morning. '

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly
made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and
his playmates had found a dead robin . Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box
and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to
say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:
'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
the hole he goooes.'

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.
'I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!'

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in
the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's
underwear.'

 

[sassyalice]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

 

[mike_s]

the Force wasn't with them.....

Spoiler

 

[sassyalice]

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
>
>What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
>about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been
>to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
>achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
>
>Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
>questions:
>
>If:
>A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
>
>Is represented as:
>1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
>
>Then:
>
>H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
>8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
>
>
>
>And
>
>
>K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
>11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
>
>But ,
>
>A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
>1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
>
>And,
>
>B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
>2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
>
>AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
>
>A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
>1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
>
>So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and
>Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
>Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[sassyalice]

Origin Of The Species

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says:

"Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The mother answers:
"Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side of the family".