Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sassyalice]

> >
> >
> > The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and
> > In Sunday school quizzes by children in 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio.
> > They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.
> > Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course,
> > spelling!
> > Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a minute for us
> > adults and therefore no time to war or argue.
> >
> >
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who
> > all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
> > climate Of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live
> > elsewhere.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
> > Unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses
> > went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he
> > ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He Was
> > A actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It
> > sounds like he was sort of busy too.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
> > wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young
> > female moth.
> > ------------------------------------------------------------
> > Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving
> > People advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of
> > wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career
> > suffered a dramatic decline.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
> > biscuits, and threw the! java. The games were messier then than they
> > show on TV now.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
> > The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to
> > be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw
> > for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French
> > still Have problems.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a
> > success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
> > "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
> > invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention
> > was the circulation of blood.
> > ------------------------------------------------------------
> > Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
> > cigarettes and started smoking.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper
> > which was very dangerous to all his men.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
> > He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never
> > made much and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
> > comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
> > wrote Donkey Hote. The next great! author was John Milton. Milton
> > wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
> > Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
> > of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity
> > by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided
> > against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure.
> > Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
> > Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
> > built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
> > signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
> > shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They
> > believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
> > actor. This ruined Booth's career.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
> > number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which
> > he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach
> > was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel
> > was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he
> > wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took
> > long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
> > Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
> > inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
> > reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
> > network of rivers to spring up.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of
> > a hundred men.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species.
> > It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if
> > it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24
> > hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
> > -------------! ------------------------------------------------
> > Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what
> > she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get
> > to find radios because they were already taken.
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
> > movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
> > family had to have a job, I guess.

 

[sassyalice]

I sure hope this was staged… It is more scary than anything
Darwin Award Candidate ??

Have you ever wondered what
idiots looks like?
*
Well, wonder no more!
*

YES THAT IS A POWER CORD FLOATING ON FLIP FLOPS

 

[sassyalice]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so
> he went before the Congregation and asked for a raise.
>
> After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever
> the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
>
> After 6 children, this started to get expensive and
> the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's
> salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the
> clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the
> Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, 'Children are a gift from God,' he
> said.
>
> Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a
> little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, 'Rain is also a gift
> from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
>

 

[sassyalice]

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,
"Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does ...

" A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it wonderful?

 

[sassyalice]

Granny made such beautiful pies! One day, I asked her, "How do

you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"



"Well, it's a family secret," she said. "But if you promise

not to tell, I'll let you in on it."



"Okay," I said. "Tell me!"



"Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and

even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put in the pie plate and

make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.



Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it's not too

full.



Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the

filling.



Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge

of the pie crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did

see!"

 

[sassyalice]

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.


The people who are starting college next fall were born in 1988. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine

They have always had cable.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter

 

[sassyalice]

Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Buford:
>
> Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance
> number and told him to have a seat.
>
> Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.
>
> A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
> electrocardiogram, and told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
>
> An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.
>
> Buford said, Shingles.
>
> The doctor asked, Where?
>
> Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them??"
>

 

[sassyalice]

This guy had what he thought was a great tattoo...

Until He Went To Jail.

 

[sassyalice]

 

[sassyalice]

I was testing the children in my Newfoundland Sunday school class to
>>>see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
>>>
>>>I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale
>>>and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
>>>
>>>"NO!" the children answered.
>>>"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and
>>>kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
>>>
>>>Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile.
>>>
>>>Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals
>>>and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband,
>>>would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
>>>
>>>Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with
>>>pride for them.
>>>
>>>Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
>>>
>>>A six-year-old Newfie boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE ****IN' DEAD.
>>>