Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sassyalice]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
> >> severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
> >> any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
> >>
> >> So, the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the
only
> >> skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
> >> from her buttocks.
> >>
> >> The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
the
> >> skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their
> >> secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
> >>
> >> After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's
> >> new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
> >> friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
> >>
> >> One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion
> >> at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
> >> everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
> >>
> >> "My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I
> >> see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
> >>

 

[Cave Diver]

Pace yourself Alice!!!!

 

[sassyalice]

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within
five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their
cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face ... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either!

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain
gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next
47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:47 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day .... AND

A scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their on computer with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late ..

 

[sassyalice]

Sorry Wormil. I just gave them ammunition

 

[sassyalice]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,

bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be

able to monitor my moods.


We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it

turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a

BIG ****ing red mark on his forehead.


Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond, the dumbass

 

[sassyalice]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that's what they are-I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

 

[sassyalice]

1. Men are like .. Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..... Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like . Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

 

[sassyalice]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We
> decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
> teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
> different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring
> at
> him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
> When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the
> matter old man, never done anything wild n your life?'
> Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke
> on
> his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style
> he
> did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with
> a
> peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
>
>
>

 

[sassyalice]

 

[sassyalice]

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, “What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up'
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

Author Unknown