Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sassyalice]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend?

I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy!? I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him,

"You haven't said anything about what yo u had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.? What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.? When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

"Fishing or Sex?" and she said: "Wear sun-block."

 

[sassyalice]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS


1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her Baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong
one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San
Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.
"The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now
I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches
on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to
get used to the taste" the patient replied. I
then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit,
MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on
the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once
the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!.......! .........

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon
whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my
work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer
Wiener".
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name

 

[sassyalice]

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember .

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.? It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

13. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way

 

[sassyalice]

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their
tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up;
what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill
BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda



And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was
no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids
about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!



But now that...



I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean,
compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say
it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!



I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we
wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it
up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!



There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody a letter
... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and
put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!



There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you
had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!



Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and
the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!



We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the
phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!



And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone
rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom,
your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just
didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!



We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
"Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics were horrible! Your
guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And
there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen
forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and
harder and faster and faster until you died! . Just like LIFE!



When you went to the movie theatre there no such thing as
stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or
some old woman with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you
were just screwed!



Sure, we had television, but back then that was only like 3
channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had
to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!



You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get
off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was
no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for
cartoons, you spoiled little b@stards!



And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something
up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire ... imagine that! If we
wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it
over the stove forever like an idiot.



That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got
it too easy. You're spoiled.



You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in
1980!



Regards, The over 30 Crowd

 

[sassyalice]

This is Amazing!


Forward this message to 5 people Within 3 minutes And **** ALL will happen!
I tried it twice and it worked both times!!

Absolutely **** all happened !!!

THIS REALLY WORKS !


Pass this on.....more people need to know this!!!

 

[sassyalice]

> Costume Party
>
> A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. She got a terrible headache and
> told her husband to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband, he
> protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
> bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled.
> So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for
> about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go
> the party.
> Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have
> some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
> She joined the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance
> floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here
> and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive
> babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to
> the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished,
> naturally, since he was her husband.
> Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off
> they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at
> midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed,
> wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
> She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time
> he had. He said: "- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have! a good time
> when you're not there."
> - "Did you dance much?"
> - "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met some
> other guys and we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're
> not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

 

[sassyalice]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back

on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,

since I'm going to be near the mailbox

when I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,

and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

so I go inside the house to my desk where

I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,

but first I need to push the Coke aside

so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,

and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,

a vase of flowers on the counter

catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and

discover my reading glasses that

I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,

but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,

fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote,

but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,

but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,

get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to

remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,

and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,

and I'll try to get some help for it,

but first I'll check the new threads on SB....

 

[sassyalice]

Count every " F " in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.











The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".

 

[sassyalice]

 

[sassyalice]

I just want to apologize in advance for this one.