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THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address...
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following Day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send E-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following Day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send E-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!
The family is sitting at the dinner table.
The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of Breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.'
Onions?'
'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of
willies are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers.
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his Willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'
'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of Breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.'
Onions?'
'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of
willies are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers.
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his Willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'
'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
A 'Heads Up' for all you men who may be regular Home Depot or Rona customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out picking up something for my home. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works .
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Rona.
You agree and they get in the back seat . On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Nov 5th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also DEC 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful!!
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Rona.
You agree and they get in the back seat . On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Nov 5th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also DEC 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful!!
A small boy wrote to
Santa Claus:
Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.
Santa wrote back:
'Send me your mother...' Ha Ha Merry Ho Ho Ho!!!
Santa Claus:
Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.
Santa wrote back:
'Send me your mother...' Ha Ha Merry Ho Ho Ho!!!
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend
trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom
of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
\hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all
the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the
road, clutching the seats in front of them with white
knuckles. the brunette asked, "What the heck's
\going on up here? We're having a great time
downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered..."YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER
trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom
of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
\hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all
the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the
road, clutching the seats in front of them with white
knuckles. the brunette asked, "What the heck's
\going on up here? We're having a great time
downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered..."YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER
HAPPY HOUR IN NEWFOUNDLAND:
The Newfie saw the sign at the restaurant.
It read.... Happy hour special:
Lobster Tail & Beer.
'Lard 'Tunderin' Jaises !'
he says to himself,
'Me tree favourite tings'.
The Newfie saw the sign at the restaurant.
It read.... Happy hour special:
Lobster Tail & Beer.
'Lard 'Tunderin' Jaises !'
he says to himself,
'Me tree favourite tings'.
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