Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sassyalice]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!

 

[sassyalice]

This one is for you Hockey

 

[sassyalice]

1.
THINGY (thing-ee) n.


Female......
Any part under a car's hood.

Male.....
The strap fastener on a woman's bra.



2.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female....
Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....
Playing football without a cup.



3.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .

Female...
The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male...
Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4.
COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.

Female....
A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male......
Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.


5.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female....
A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male......
Anything that can be done while drinking beer.



6.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female....
An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male......
A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.



7
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female......
The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male..
Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.


8. REMOTE
CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.



He
said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?

She
said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

[sassyalice]

A Newfoundland woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask
> > his
> > help in reviving her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?",
> > asks
> > the doctor.
> >
> > "Oh, no, doctor, I couldn't do dat," she said. "He won't even
> > take an aspirin.
> >
> > "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee.
> > He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me
> > Know how things went."
> >>> >>> > >>>
> > It wasn't a week later, that she called the doctor, who
> > Directly inquired as to progress.
> >
> > The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh jaysus mary and joseph,
> > doctor, twas horrid. Just terrible!"
> >
> > "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did like you said
> > and slipped it into his coffee, ?
> >
> > De effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a
> > twinkle
> > in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging something fierce! With one
> > swoop of
> > his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to
> > tatters and then, lard tunder and jaysus, didn't he take me right then
> > and there,
> > making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a
> > nightmare,
> > I tell you!"
> >>
> > "Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex
> > was not good?" "No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the
> >
> > best sex I had in 25 years. But, oh me son, I'll never be able to show
> > me
> > face in Tim Horton's ever again!"
> >>> >>> > >>>

 

[sassyalice]

The woman and baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?



'Breast-fed, she replied.



'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'




'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

 

[sassyalice]

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over
20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and
down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into
a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by a bunch of drunken chimps, Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
reason for my letter . Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to
end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

 

[sassyalice]

Officer, this is how the fight started...

I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.


So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed... and life...sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?



Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He
gets out of his car, and I get out of my car. He is frowning and scowling, and he storms over to me. Right up close to me he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I looked down at him, and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?'

.. . . and that's when the fight started...

 

[sassyalice]

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


"OLD" IS WHEN .. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.


"OLD" IS WHEN .. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
as you don't have to go along.


"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.


"OLD" IS WHEN ."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take
any fiber today


"! OLD" IS WHEN .. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.


"OLD" IS WHEN .. An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes.

 

[sassyalice]

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent
Wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom
got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from
Long distances, to support them
At their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
His new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation
He said he wanted to give everyone
A special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair, including the
wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to
Everyone, and asked them to
Open their envelope.



Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of
his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious
Of them weeks earlier and had
Hired a private detective to tail
Them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
For a couple of minutes, he
Turned to the best man and
Said, 'F---you!' Then he turned
To his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the
Dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled
First thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding
Immediately after finding out
About the affair, this
Guy goes through with the
Charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
Bride's' and best man's reputations
In front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of
Church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless'
Commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception
For 300 family members and
Friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the
Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week
Honeymoon accommodations
In Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face
When they see the 8x10 glossy
Of the bride humping the best
Man: Priceless.

There are some things money
Can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD

 

[sassyalice]

Three nuns were attending a hockey game. Three men were sitting directly

behind them.



Because their habits were partially blocking the view the men decided to

badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another

area.



In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "i think i'm going to move to

utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."



then the second guy spoke up and said, "i want to go to montana, there are

only 5o nuns living there."



the third guy said, "i want to go to idaho. There are only 25 nuns li ving

there."



one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and

calm voice said, "why don't you just go to hell... There aren't any nuns

there."