Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[turtle_guy]

Dang them are funny whew can barely breathe

 

[sandmanz32]

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal- Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't twins! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. " I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

 

[mlkco]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Things Not To Say During Childbirth.... [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.[/FONT]

 

[m3830431]

 

[santafejoe]

Bear hunt-today's rules.


The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the Rugged Mountains
of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the camp-
ground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just
at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales"
hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while
struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself
from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came
racing up.

One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two
reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from
the bear's grasp.

Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and
two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other
tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them.
"I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own
eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who
was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he
sure doesn't know anything about Grizzly bear hunting! By the way,
is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts
and get another one?

 

[m3830431]

rofl3:

 

[k8brandt]

Bill called his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and said he was sending a friend over to look at a horse.
Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"
Bill said, "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her ****"?
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's ****, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit."

 

[k8brandt]

One more.....

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your *****."

 

[m3830431]

whats the difference between a run over dog and a run over lawyer?

the dog has skid marks before it .


While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

 

[CenTexDivin]

whats the difference between a run over dog and a run over lawyer?

the dog has skid marks before it .

And the lawyer has skid marks after from the car stopping to back up and run over him again.