Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[m3830431]

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the hindend."

 

[sandshaker]

OJ goes to HELL

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it were Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

[santafejoe]

That s agood one Sandshaker

 

[santafejoe]

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.


Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT</ U> need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on t he couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh

 

[santafejoe]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is classic...a must read

This is priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for their annual service charges on her credit card. The balance had been $0.00, now with interest was somewhere around $60.00.


A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange.



Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died in January.'



Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the fees and charges still apply.&#8221;



Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'



Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'



Family Member: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'



Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'



Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' (I really liked this part)



Citibank: 'Excuse me?'



Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you? The part about her being dead?'



Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'



(Duh!)



Supervisor gets on the phone:



Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you she died in January.'



Citibank: 'The account was never closed and fees and charges still apply.' (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)



Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'



Citibank: (Stammering) 'Are you her lawyer?'



Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)



Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'



Family Member: 'Sure.'



(Fax number is given)



After they get the fax:



Citibank: 'You know sir; our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'



Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'



Citibank: 'Well, the fees and charges do still apply.'



Family Member 'Right" (What is wrong with these people?)



Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'



Citibank: 'That might help.'



Family Member: 'Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'



Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'



Family Member: 'Now we are getting somewhere. What do you do with dead people on your planet?'

 

[m3830431]

Q: What has eighty feet and three teeth?

A: The front row of a Billy Ray Cyrus concert.

 

[sandmanz32]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
at him.
She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're
the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

[sandshaker]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is classic...a must read

This is priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for their annual service charges on her credit card. The balance had been $0.00, now with interest was somewhere around $60.00.


A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange.



Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died in January.'



Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the fees and charges still apply.”



Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'



Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'



Family Member: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'



Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'



Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' (I really liked this part)



Citibank: 'Excuse me?'



Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you? The part about her being dead?'



Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'



(Duh!)



Supervisor gets on the phone:



Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you she died in January.'



Citibank: 'The account was never closed and fees and charges still apply.' (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)



Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'



Citibank: (Stammering) 'Are you her lawyer?'



Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)



Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'



Family Member: 'Sure.'



(Fax number is given)



After they get the fax:



Citibank: 'You know sir; our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'



Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'



Citibank: 'Well, the fees and charges do still apply.'



Family Member 'Right" (What is wrong with these people?)



Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'



Citibank: 'That might help.'



Family Member: 'Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'



Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'



Family Member: 'Now we are getting somewhere. What do you do with dead people on your planet?'

omg ... some ppl huh!!! FUNNY!!!!!!

 

[dive_lover88]

that will teach 'em

 

[sandshaker]

that will teach 'em

hey BUNNY BOY!!!!!

DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handy
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did.""