mike_s
Contributor
this was just too great not to share in this thread also
Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
- Thread starter sandshaker
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sandmanz32
Contributor
come to the darkside............we have cashews! lol
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
Joke: Famous Last Words
* What does this button do?
* It's probably just a rash.
* Are you sure the power is off?
* Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
* The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
* Pull the pin and count to what?
* Which wire was I supposed to cut?
* I wonder where the mother bear is.
* I've seen this done on TV.
* These are the good kind of mushrooms.
* I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
* Let it down slowly.
* Rat poison only kills rats.
* It's strong enough for both of us.
* This doesn't taste right.
* I can make this light before it changes.
* Nice doggie.
* I can do that with my eyes closed.
* I've done this before.
* Well, we've made it this far.
* That's odd.
* You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
* Don't be so superstitious.
* Now watch this.
* What does this button do?
* It's probably just a rash.
* Are you sure the power is off?
* Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
* The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
* Pull the pin and count to what?
* Which wire was I supposed to cut?
* I wonder where the mother bear is.
* I've seen this done on TV.
* These are the good kind of mushrooms.
* I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
* Let it down slowly.
* Rat poison only kills rats.
* It's strong enough for both of us.
* This doesn't taste right.
* I can make this light before it changes.
* Nice doggie.
* I can do that with my eyes closed.
* I've done this before.
* Well, we've made it this far.
* That's odd.
* You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
* Don't be so superstitious.
* Now watch this.
santafejoe
Contributor
Goodbye, Grandpa ... Grandma
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say 'good-bye grandpa?'"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma.."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy, and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say 'good-bye grandpa?'"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma.."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy, and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
*trying to catch my breath* 
I'm pretty sure at least parts of this have been posted already, but I just got
cracked up with these ones:
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE BEEN DIVING TOO MUCH THIS SUMMER:
10) You have to put your total number of dives in scientific notation.
9) You look back at your logbooks and realize you've spent more time at decompression than at uni.
8) You're permanently prune-figured.
7) Your dive log is available on Amazon.com.
6) You have named all the buff bream on your favourite wreck.
5) You worry that your office elevator is ascending too quickly.
4) You've stopped logging your dives because it's easier to just log your surface intervals.
3) Your "time to fly" is measured in months.
2) Your picture appears on fish identification tables.
1) You clear your ears prior to stepping on a down escalator.
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR DIVE BUDDY HATES YOU
10) He gives you the "wait there" sign and you're still on the boat.
9) The Coast Guard seems very interested in that bag of "talcum powder" your buddy loaned to you for your wetsuit.
8) She "forgets" to close your dry suit zipper.
7) When you give him the out of air sign, he passes you his snorkel.
6) When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his slate "I'll get you some" and swims off.
5) In an air sharing situation, you reach for your buddy's octopus and a note taped to it reads "out of order".
4) In your photos from the shark diving excursion, your buddy is the one holding the "tastes like chicken" sign with an arrow pointing at you.
3) He writes, "I hate you" on his dive slate.
2) You give him the OK sign and he gives you the finger.
1) He spits on your mask for you, but you haven't taken it off yet.
cracked up with these ones:
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE BEEN DIVING TOO MUCH THIS SUMMER:
10) You have to put your total number of dives in scientific notation.
9) You look back at your logbooks and realize you've spent more time at decompression than at uni.
8) You're permanently prune-figured.
7) Your dive log is available on Amazon.com.
6) You have named all the buff bream on your favourite wreck.
5) You worry that your office elevator is ascending too quickly.
4) You've stopped logging your dives because it's easier to just log your surface intervals.
3) Your "time to fly" is measured in months.
2) Your picture appears on fish identification tables.
1) You clear your ears prior to stepping on a down escalator.
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR DIVE BUDDY HATES YOU
10) He gives you the "wait there" sign and you're still on the boat.
9) The Coast Guard seems very interested in that bag of "talcum powder" your buddy loaned to you for your wetsuit.
8) She "forgets" to close your dry suit zipper.
7) When you give him the out of air sign, he passes you his snorkel.
6) When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his slate "I'll get you some" and swims off.
5) In an air sharing situation, you reach for your buddy's octopus and a note taped to it reads "out of order".
4) In your photos from the shark diving excursion, your buddy is the one holding the "tastes like chicken" sign with an arrow pointing at you.
3) He writes, "I hate you" on his dive slate.
2) You give him the OK sign and he gives you the finger.
1) He spits on your mask for you, but you haven't taken it off yet.
dive_lover88
Contributor
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LOL!!! THAT CRACKED ME UP REAL GOOD!! :lol::rofl:
sandmanz32
Contributor
a traveling salesman was out late one night, and decided its time to grab some food and head in for the night. he stops at a local diner, grabs a bite then heads back to the hotel and goes to sleep. midway through the night he wakes up to realize he is deathly sick to his stomache and has crapped his self. he gets up and sure enough there it lays in all its glory on the sheets. so, insanely embarassed, he takes the sheets off the bed and throws them out the window. an old drunkard was propped up againest the hotel when the "bomb" came down on him, so he, thinking he's getting attacked, starts swinging like he's fending off bruce lee or something. a nearby cop see this and comes over and asks, "sir is there a problem here?' to that the drunk responds, "i dunno officer, but i think i just beat the crap out of a ghost"
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
omg......crazy man!!!!!
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy walks out.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." Once again, the guy leaves the shop.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." Again, the guy walks out.
The barber is getting curious. He looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop laughing. The barber asks, "Bill, where did the guy go when he left here?"
"To your house."
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." Once again, the guy leaves the shop.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." Again, the guy walks out.
The barber is getting curious. He looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop laughing. The barber asks, "Bill, where did the guy go when he left here?"
"To your house."
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