Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[Scuba Do]

Ouch! That one hurt.

An electrician, an engineer, and a lawyer are arguing about which profession is the oldest. The electrician said, "in the beginning, God said 'Let there be light," so the electricians must have been first." The engineer said "In the beginning, God created order out of chaos. That surely required an engineer." The lawyer said, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"

A mathematician, a statistician, and a lawyer are being interviewed for a job. One of the interviewers is a very old man who sleeps through most of the interviews, but wakes up during each one and ask one question - "what is two plus two?" The mathematician scribbles for a bit and then says "according to my calculations, it's four." The statistician says "Four, with a margin of error of + or - three." The lawyer looks slowly around the room, walks over to the door, opens it and looks out carefully, then goes to the window and closes the curtains. He then turns to the old man and whispers "what do you want it to be?"

 

[mlkco]

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches *** should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

 

[ONESPEED]

 

[m3830431]

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

 

[OceanObsessed]

 

[mlkco]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
[/FONT]

 

[m3830431]

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he?d had enough.

The bartender said, "I?ve got to ask you. What?s with the pocket business?"

"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer?s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I?ve had enough."

 

[mlkco]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Aviation Jokes[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Last one off the plane must clean it."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...![/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
[/FONT]

 

[m3830431]

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

[mlkco]

^ Ha, Ha,Ha It's hard to follow through with but my Presidential litmus test is no lawyers I prefer amateur lier's not professional ones^