DivingPrincessE
Contributor
The PC Police need to stay far away from this thread.
Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
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dive bandit
Contributor
MEMORANDUM
EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
1) We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
1) Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
1) This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
1) Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
1) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
2) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3) Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management Team
EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
1) We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
1) Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
1) This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
1) Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
1) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
2) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3) Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management Team
olice: 
The Anchor
Contributor
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
2 QUARTERS or a DOLLAR BILL
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves
'What did I tell you?' said the barber. ' That kid never learns!'
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming
out of the ice cream store. 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
The boy licked his cone and replied,
'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves
'What did I tell you?' said the barber. ' That kid never learns!'
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming
out of the ice cream store. 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
The boy licked his cone and replied,
'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station, and then the fight
started....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream, and that's when the fight started....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." and that's how the fight started....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too" and then the fight started.....
started....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream, and that's when the fight started....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." and that's how the fight started....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too" and then the fight started.....
m3830431
Contributor
Good
pidgiepoo
Contributor
On my 70th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to an Indian shaman living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the
shaman, and wondered what I was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and
with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must
be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. When you do
that, you will be more manly than you have ever been in your life and you
can perform as long as you want"
I was very encouraged, and as he turned and started to walk away, I asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded, adding
another
warning, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the
next full moon"
I was eager to see if it worked I went home, showered, shaved, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the
bedroom.
When she came in, I took off my clothes and confidently said,
"1-2-3!"
Immediately, I was the manliest of men.
M y wife was excited and began peeling off her clothes, and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition!
The certificate paid for a visit to an Indian shaman living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the
shaman, and wondered what I was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and
with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must
be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. When you do
that, you will be more manly than you have ever been in your life and you
can perform as long as you want"
I was very encouraged, and as he turned and started to walk away, I asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded, adding
another
warning, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the
next full moon"
I was eager to see if it worked I went home, showered, shaved, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the
bedroom.
When she came in, I took off my clothes and confidently said,
"1-2-3!"
Immediately, I was the manliest of men.
M y wife was excited and began peeling off her clothes, and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition!
pidgiepoo
Contributor
IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS!
China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos.
There are so many Wing and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY, people were always wingin wong numbers.
China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos.
There are so many Wing and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY, people were always wingin wong numbers.
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