Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
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pidgiepoo
Contributor
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?', grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?', grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
pidgiepoo
Contributor
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dive bandit
Contributor
A University of Georgia fan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a
round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just
given birth to a typical Georgia baby boy weighing 25 pounds ..
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Georgia fan just shrugs and replies, That's about average back home,
folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Georgia baby boy. He's gonna be a
University of Georgia football player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of
'WOW!'
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, Say, aren't you
the father of that typical Georgia baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
So, how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, 'Seventeen pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What
happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'
The Georgia father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
into the bartender and proudly says, 'Had him circumcised.'
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a
round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just
given birth to a typical Georgia baby boy weighing 25 pounds ..
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Georgia fan just shrugs and replies, That's about average back home,
folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Georgia baby boy. He's gonna be a
University of Georgia football player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of
'WOW!'
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, Say, aren't you
the father of that typical Georgia baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
So, how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, 'Seventeen pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What
happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'
The Georgia father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
into the bartender and proudly says, 'Had him circumcised.'
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and some times it
says some pretty vulgar stuff.'
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any
way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and
waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then
at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
'that's really not so bad.'
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and
said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'
The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh
about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been
raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
'Hi Keith'
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and some times it
says some pretty vulgar stuff.'
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any
way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and
waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then
at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
'that's really not so bad.'
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and
said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'
The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh
about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been
raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
'Hi Keith'
mike_s
Contributor
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
omg ... those were gr8 ... however the dude in the Mullet .... TOTALLY hot!!!!!!!!!!
*******************
Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when
a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle it!
*******************
Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when
a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle it!
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
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