OP
sandshaker
Contributor
^^^I died when I first heard that one ... Soooo one of the best jokes!!!! lmao!! ^^^
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OP
sandshaker
Contributor
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on
a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and
put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a
taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scooted back into the house. We didn't
want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My
wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran
upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want
the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained
to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. She said, "He's just
going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I
said, as we drove away. That stupid b---- was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I
grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
scratching me, but it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out
into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.....
a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and
put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a
taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scooted back into the house. We didn't
want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My
wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran
upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want
the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained
to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. She said, "He's just
going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I
said, as we drove away. That stupid b---- was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I
grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
scratching me, but it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out
into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.....
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
"Hillbilly Birth"
Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the soon-to-be father a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this up high so I can see what I am doing!"
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to set that lantern down; I think there's another one coming!"
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl."
"Hold that lantern up, don't put it down! There's another one!", said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "Don't be in a hurry to set that lantern down again, I see a fourth one coming!", cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, then asked the doctor,
"You reckon it might be the light that's attracting 'em?!"
Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the soon-to-be father a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this up high so I can see what I am doing!"
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to set that lantern down; I think there's another one coming!"
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl."
"Hold that lantern up, don't put it down! There's another one!", said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "Don't be in a hurry to set that lantern down again, I see a fourth one coming!", cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, then asked the doctor,
"You reckon it might be the light that's attracting 'em?!"
dive bandit
Contributor
Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling.
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him.
The teacher says OK, she can handle it. The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny.
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt.
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost.
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem.
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling.
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him.
The teacher says OK, she can handle it. The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny.
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt.
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost.
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem.
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over.
pidgiepoo
Contributor
A man went to the hospital in Houston, Texas to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1)Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR....
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1)Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR....
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide.
wstein
Contributor
got to love little johnny, that is one bad kid
Deefstes
Contributor
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Very irrate Japanese tourist blows his top in the exchange bureau.
"Why so big diffelence? Yestelday I pay hundled and thlee Yen fo one Dolla, today you want hundled and thilteen Yen fo one Dolla? Why diffelent evely day?"
The teller shrugs his shoulders and says "Fluctuations"
So the Japanese tourists yells at him "Well fluc tjoo Amelicans too!" and storms out.
"Why so big diffelence? Yestelday I pay hundled and thlee Yen fo one Dolla, today you want hundled and thilteen Yen fo one Dolla? Why diffelent evely day?"
The teller shrugs his shoulders and says "Fluctuations"
So the Japanese tourists yells at him "Well fluc tjoo Amelicans too!" and storms out.
m3830431
Contributor
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
An ethnic joke followed shortly by a joke about disabled people.... the PC police are going to rumble this thread pretty soon...
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