augk
Contributor
:32: How
do you
compliment
a woman
from Maine
nice tooth
do you
compliment
a woman
from Maine
nice tooth
Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
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augk
Contributor
A Cady is on his way home from work waiting for a bus
his pockets are full of golf balls
he gets on the bus and sits next to this realy pretty blond girl
the girl is trying not to stare at the guy's bulging pants.
but just cant help herself
finaly the guy says golf balls
the girl sat for a moment in deep thought
and after a moment says
my dad gets tennis elbow:11:
his pockets are full of golf balls
he gets on the bus and sits next to this realy pretty blond girl
the girl is trying not to stare at the guy's bulging pants.
but just cant help herself
finaly the guy says golf balls
the girl sat for a moment in deep thought
and after a moment says
my dad gets tennis elbow:11:
augk
Contributor
ok i got this from my cousin overseas
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
m3830431
Contributor
augk
Contributor
Golf Anyone?
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was ," sighed the Sister."And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to
Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the f*#ing putt, didn't you?"
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was ," sighed the Sister."And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to
Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the f*#ing putt, didn't you?"
On the night before his wedding to Princess Diana, Prince Charles goes out on his stag party with all of his mates, and had far too much too drink. He oversleeps on the morning of his wedding, and has to scramble around so that he can get dressed and get down to Westminster Abbey in time for the service. However, at the last minute, he cannot find his shoes, and so he has to borrow a pair of shoes from his younger brother, Prince Edward.
The shoes are far too small, and Charles is in agony as he runs down the street, only just making it to Westminster Abbey before the Archbishop of Canterbury arrives to preside over the service. The service seems to last forever, and then afterwards Charles has to politely meet all the foreign dignataries, and then after that he has to attend the reception smiling all the time. By this time his feet are absolutely killing him.
As early as good manners will allow, Charles wishes everyone a good night, and leads his new bride up the stairs to the bridal suite, and the first thing he asks her to do is to help him get the damn shoes off.
Seeing them leave so early, the Queen turns to the Duke of Edinburgh, and suggests that they go and listen at the door, just to make sure that Charles is doing his royal duty properly on his wedding night. They creep up to the door and they hear Charles groaning away, until finally he lets out a sigh. "Thank God for that. My goodness, I can't believe how tight that was!" The Queen beams knowingly at the Duke. "I told you that she was a virgin!"
Then they hear Charles announce from the other side of the door: "Right, now for the other one. My God, I don't believe it! This one's even tighter!" The Duke cackles back at the Queen. "That's my boy! Once a sailor, always a sailor!"
The shoes are far too small, and Charles is in agony as he runs down the street, only just making it to Westminster Abbey before the Archbishop of Canterbury arrives to preside over the service. The service seems to last forever, and then afterwards Charles has to politely meet all the foreign dignataries, and then after that he has to attend the reception smiling all the time. By this time his feet are absolutely killing him.
As early as good manners will allow, Charles wishes everyone a good night, and leads his new bride up the stairs to the bridal suite, and the first thing he asks her to do is to help him get the damn shoes off.
Seeing them leave so early, the Queen turns to the Duke of Edinburgh, and suggests that they go and listen at the door, just to make sure that Charles is doing his royal duty properly on his wedding night. They creep up to the door and they hear Charles groaning away, until finally he lets out a sigh. "Thank God for that. My goodness, I can't believe how tight that was!" The Queen beams knowingly at the Duke. "I told you that she was a virgin!"
Then they hear Charles announce from the other side of the door: "Right, now for the other one. My God, I don't believe it! This one's even tighter!" The Duke cackles back at the Queen. "That's my boy! Once a sailor, always a sailor!"
santafejoe
Contributor
The Candidates
Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain
wereflying to a debate.
Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out
of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the
window and make 156 million people very very happy!
=============
Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain
wereflying to a debate.
Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out
of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the
window and make 156 million people very very happy!
=============
mlkco
Contributor
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
I don't think this is very funny but laugh lab tested it around the world and found it to have universal appeal
I don't think this is very funny but laugh lab tested it around the world and found it to have universal appeal
augk
Contributor
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
augk
Contributor
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and uttersexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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