Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
- Thread starter sandshaker
- Start date
Please register or login
Welcome to ScubaBoard, the world's largest scuba diving community. Registration is not required to read the forums, but we encourage you to join. Joining has its benefits and enables you to participate in the discussions.
Benefits of registering include
- Ability to post and comment on topics and discussions.
- A Free photo gallery to share your dive photos with the world.
- You can make this box go away
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
Amazing Simple Home Remedies
1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Bu Tton.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life ... Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.
Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs
1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Bu Tton.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life ... Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.
Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs
wstein
Contributor
I need to try that. I play the "How many times can I hit snooze before my neighbor bangs on the wall"
wstein
Contributor
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
definitely going to mess yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's
Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely
set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in
search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about, dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was
at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh,
don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to
that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a
mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step
in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid
to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so
slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I
began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if
you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth
from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through
the store toward the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying
that I'd make it before the grand-mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my butt is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, " Oh my God!", then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The
employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose
and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to ever return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
definitely going to mess yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's
Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely
set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in
search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about, dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was
at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh,
don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to
that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a
mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step
in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid
to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so
slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I
began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if
you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth
from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through
the store toward the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying
that I'd make it before the grand-mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my butt is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, " Oh my God!", then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The
employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose
and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to ever return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
santafejoe
Contributor
Still LMFAO:rofl3
augk
Contributor
:crossbone:toilet:l: the toxic avenger strikes again
The Anchor
Contributor
Thank you everyone. 662 posts, many jokes I haven't heard and a few I have. Hopefully I will be able to provide one or two that you havent read. Here is my first submission.
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan
DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental
Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is
hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get
to the response letter.
State's letter:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of
Environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams
across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this
type of activity. A review of the Department's files
show that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the
Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of
the dams partially failed during a recent rain event,
causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.
We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department
therefore orders you to cease and desist all
activities at this location, and to restore the stream
to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All
restoration work shall be completed no later than
January 31, 2005. Please notify this office when the
restoration has been completed so that a follow-up
site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure
to comply with this request or any further
unauthorized activity on the site may result in this
case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full
cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to
contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative, Land and Water Management
Division
This is the actual response sent back by Ryan DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been handed
to me to respond in regarding to the above mentioned
file. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor
at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers
are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I
did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skillful use of natures building
materials "debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt
to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place
you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no
way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam
work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the
beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam
permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity. My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring
Pond Beavers... or
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State
to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular
beavers, through The Freedom of Information Act, I
request completed copies of all those other applicable
beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of Part
301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Co implied Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't
the beavers entitled to legal representation? The
Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are
unable to pay for said representation, so the State
will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of
the dams failed during a recent rain event causing
flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence,
which the Department is required to protect. In other
words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow
condition please contact the beavers, but if you are
going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any
attention to your dam letter... they being unable to
read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond
Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams
as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and
water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than
I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.
If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it
should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the
environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers
and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for
more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under
the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or
your dam staff to harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention
a real environmental quality (health) problem in the
area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating
in our woods. I definitely believe you should be
persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam,
watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they
dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and
being unable to contact you on your dam answering
machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.
Thank You,
Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan
DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental
Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is
hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get
to the response letter.
State's letter:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of
Environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams
across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this
type of activity. A review of the Department's files
show that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the
Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of
the dams partially failed during a recent rain event,
causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.
We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department
therefore orders you to cease and desist all
activities at this location, and to restore the stream
to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All
restoration work shall be completed no later than
January 31, 2005. Please notify this office when the
restoration has been completed so that a follow-up
site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure
to comply with this request or any further
unauthorized activity on the site may result in this
case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full
cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to
contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative, Land and Water Management
Division
This is the actual response sent back by Ryan DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been handed
to me to respond in regarding to the above mentioned
file. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor
at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers
are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I
did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skillful use of natures building
materials "debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt
to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place
you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no
way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam
work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the
beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam
permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity. My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring
Pond Beavers... or
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State
to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular
beavers, through The Freedom of Information Act, I
request completed copies of all those other applicable
beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of Part
301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Co implied Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't
the beavers entitled to legal representation? The
Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are
unable to pay for said representation, so the State
will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of
the dams failed during a recent rain event causing
flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence,
which the Department is required to protect. In other
words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow
condition please contact the beavers, but if you are
going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any
attention to your dam letter... they being unable to
read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond
Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams
as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and
water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than
I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.
If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it
should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the
environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers
and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for
more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under
the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or
your dam staff to harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention
a real environmental quality (health) problem in the
area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating
in our woods. I definitely believe you should be
persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam,
watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they
dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and
being unable to contact you on your dam answering
machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.
Thank You,
Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers
augk
Contributor
that is to dam funny:11: and one for the state dam inspectors:mooner:
:11: and one for the state dam inspectors:mooner:
m3830431
Contributor
good one
Similar threads
