Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[m3830431]

Our beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed be thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as I am in the pub
Give us each day our daily schooners
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The chicks and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen

 

[mlkco]

There once was a pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see the blood and freak out".

That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

Get my brown pants."

 

[santafejoe]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
Their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project,' said
Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
Knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John,
'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after
school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
Knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
Sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.
'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John
And delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
And knocked her out of her chair.

 

[augk]

oh S#(^ thats funny

 

[m3830431]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five bucks." As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know... we don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies, "At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder..."

 

[Deefstes]

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi walks into a pub. The Rabbi turns to the other two and say, "have you heard the one about us?"

 

[mlkco]

Three Doctors are discussing what types of patients they prefer. Dr. Watson says, "I prefer mathematicians. All of their organs are numbered."

Doctor Fitzpatrick says, "I prefer librarians. All of their organs are alphabetized."

Doctor Ahn says, "I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable."

 

[m3830431]

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.

 

[augk]

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.

thats a good one

 

[mike_s]

The IRS decided to audit Ralph, and summoned him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his
attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a
demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said,
'Okay. Go ahead.'

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one
side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the
other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket
on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney.

'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been
summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars
that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and
that you'd be happy about it.'