Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[The Anchor]

Good Book Report

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing

 

[Rhone Man]

Three young guys are getting together for a coffee on Sunday afternoon after going out on the town and drinking way too much the previous evening.

The first guy says: "I can't believe how drunk I was last night - I came home and blew chunks."

The second guy says: "You think that was bad? I stopped in at a tattoo parlour at 3am, but I was so drunk I forgot my fiancee's name, so I had him tattoo my ex-girlfriend's name on my chest!"

The third guys says: "That's nothing - I went down to the racetrack, signed a bill of sale on my house - bet it all on the longshot to win, and lost everything."

All three sipped their coffees quietly for a moment in contemplation of the night before.

Then the first guy adds quietly: "Perhaps I should explain. 'Chunks' is the name of my dog."

 

[Oxy]

OK I heard this one quite a few years ago and NEVER again since
Is it that bad? could be!
But since it includes water I feel compelled to tell it.
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If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, What is on the outside?
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K9P

 

[m3830431]

I suppose riddles count in this forum

Well done

 

[Rhone Man]

A teenager comes home from school one day, and his mother asks him how his day went. "Oh fine," he says. "We had a pop quiz in maths, which I think I passed. In sports it looks like I am going to make second string, and in the afternoon I had sex with the English teacher in the cupboard."

His mother looks up, eyes blazing: "You did WHAT? Wait until your father gets home - you are in real trouble mister."

Once the father comes home the mother summons the son into the room and relays the information about sex with the English teacher in the cupboard. The father draws himself up to his full height. "I see," he says evenly. "I will deal with this now dear." And the mother leaves the room, looking back over her shoulder.

As soon as the door shuts, the father gives his son a manly pat on the shoulder. "All right, son! I am so proud of you! Knocking off your English teacher! Welcome to the world of manhood!"

The son is a bit bewildered, but stammers out his thanks.

"I tell you what," says his father, still beaming, "I am going to buy you that new bike that you have always wanted!"

"Sounds great, Dad," the boy replies, "but could I get a pogo stick instead? My arse still hurts like hell."

 

[Cerebral Origami]

I used to be afraid of sharks, then I came across this:

It is a scientific fact that a diver can swim through water faster than a shark can swim through crap!

 

[The Anchor]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[SelkieDVM]

 

[SelkieDVM]

Above sent to me courtesy to my brother, the engineer. He noticed there was an error in the calculation which would actually make the result closer to 2 cents - like I would know the difference.

 

[m3830431]

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts"