Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[m3830431]

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

 

[sandshaker]

What Not To Say To Your Valentine...
These were entries for a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line and least romantic second line:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.
But what have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell!"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime. **wink wink ** ain't that freakin great

 

[santafejoe]

Good one Sandshaker

 

[m3830431]

You might be a redneck if you have ever vacationed in a highway rest area.

 

[m3830431]

You might be a redneck if you think loading the dishwasher means getting the wife drunk!

 

[mike_s]

The Phone Call...


Hi honey. This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

"But honey,
you haven't got
an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's
upstairs in the room
with Mommy,
right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone
down on the table,
run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy,
just a minute."

A few minutes later
the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"
he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed
with no clothes on
and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed
with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know
that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool
and I think he's dead."


***Long Pause***


***Longer Pause***


***Even Longer Pause***


Then Daddy says,

"... Swimming pool? . . .

... Is this
974-486-5731?"

 

[Trixxie]

New word for the dictionary;

Electile Dysfunction:

The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year

 

[DivingPrincessE]

New word for the dictionary;

Electile Dysfunction:

The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year

I wonder if there is a little blue pill that will bring Mitt Romney back to fix my electile dysfunction

 

[m3830431]

Why is the N.I.H. (National Institute of Health) substituting rats with lawyers for lab tests?
Three reasons:
1. There are more lawers then rats.
2. When rats die many lab techies feel bad for them.
3. There are some things a rat will not do.

 

[joystershell]

Children Writing about the Sea. Priceless!!!

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent.
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
5) A dolphin breaths through an ******** on the top of its head.
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my dad keeps shouting at my mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it make my willy small.
12) Divers have to be safe whey they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
13) On holiday my mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.