Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sandshaker]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover, compliments of a business meeting that went on too long. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His teenage son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind.

You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, b*t*h, I'm married!!!".

Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25

Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS

 

[DivingPrincessE]

HA HA, Nice!!

 

[DivingPrincessE]

I just posted this in the MOF/NMOF thread...but since I know not everyone has opted-in to the Pub, I will post it here too.

A friend of mine sent this to me and I thought it was so funny. Apparently they use to discuss the rock, paper, scissor game while in Iraq. [-__- means edited for language]

I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there’s no -effing- way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because paper can’t beat -anything-. A rock would tear that -stuff- up in 2 seconds.

When I play rock scissors paper, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, “Oh -shoot- I’m sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you -...-!”

 

[santafejoe]

to the last 2 post s.

 

[m3830431]

You might be a redneck if...
your lifelong goal is to own a fireworks stand

 

[aubie85]

 

[m3830431]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a
trampoline?

You should take your workboots off before
you jump on a trampoline.

 

[sandshaker]

I just posted this in the MOF/NMOF thread...but since I know not everyone has opted-in to the Pub, I will post it here too.

A friend of mine sent this to me and I thought it was so funny. Apparently they use to discuss the rock, paper, scissor game while in Iraq. [-__- means edited for language]

I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there’s no -effing- way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because paper can’t beat -anything-. A rock would tear that -stuff- up in 2 seconds.

When I play rock scissors paper, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, “Oh -shoot- I’m sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you -...-!”

Witticisms

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol
content.

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
said, 'Thyroid problem?'

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing
up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea.'

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal'?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,
make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my
plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have 'Schiffer Brains.'

18. No one ever says 'It's only a game!' when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and
lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling
well?

20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door
you're on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

GREAT ONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[m3830431]

What is the difference between the government and the Mafia?


One of them is organized.

 

[sandshaker]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner
with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after
dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything
there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy,
a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because
he thinks he will be really going for it, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his
girlfriend at the door .
'Oh,' she said 'I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'