Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[m3830431]

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

 

[sandshaker]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the
children what their mothers did for a living.



All the typical answers came up -
teacher, nurse, businesswoman, sales-woman, doctor, lawyer, and so
forth.



However, little Justin was being
uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his
mother, he

Replied:



"Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a
cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money
in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go
home with some guy and stays with him all night for money."



The teacher, obviously shaken by this
statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises
and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about
your mother?"



"No," the boy said, "She works for the
Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to
be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of
the other kids."

 

[300bar]

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

 

[300bar]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the
children what their mothers did for a living.



All the typical answers came up -
teacher, nurse, businesswoman, sales-woman, doctor, lawyer, and so
forth.



However, little Justin was being
uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his
mother, he

Replied:



"Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a
cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money
in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go
home with some guy and stays with him all night for money."



The teacher, obviously shaken by this
statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises
and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about
your mother?"



"No," the boy said, "She works for the
Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to
be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of
the other kids."

 

[DivingPrincessE]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the
children what their mothers did for a living.



All the typical answers came up -
teacher, nurse, businesswoman, sales-woman, doctor, lawyer, and so
forth.



However, little Justin was being
uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his
mother, he

Replied:



"Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a
cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money
in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go
home with some guy and stays with him all night for money."



The teacher, obviously shaken by this
statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises
and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about
your mother?"



"No," the boy said, "She works for the
Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to
be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of
the other kids."

Funny and timely!!

 

[m3830431]

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

 

[sandshaker]

Oxymorons

JUMBO SHRIMP


PRETTY UGLY


RUN SLOWLY



EVEN ODDS


LIVING DEAD



VIRTUAL REALITY


COLD FEVER


HEAD BUTT



ACT NATURALLY


BAD HEALTH


WAR GAMES


BOXING RING

TAX FREE


HOPELESSLY OPTIMISTIC


NEVER AGAIN

ONLY CHOICE


SHARP CURVE



TRAGIC COMEDY



ALMOST DONE



BLAND SPICE



PEACE FORCE

 

[m3830431]

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

 

[santafejoe]

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around
the country:

16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through."

15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."

14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate

a worthless document."

13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to

ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

4 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....
1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't.. Sign here

 

[mrfixitchapman]

Oxymorons

JUMBO SHRIMP


PRETTY UGLY


RUN SLOWLY



EVEN ODDS


LIVING DEAD



VIRTUAL REALITY


COLD FEVER


HEAD BUTT



ACT NATURALLY


BAD HEALTH


WAR GAMES


BOXING RING

TAX FREE


HOPELESSLY OPTIMISTIC


NEVER AGAIN

ONLY CHOICE


SHARP CURVE



TRAGIC COMEDY



ALMOST DONE



BLAND SPICE



PEACE FORCE

...and 'GO AHEAD AND BACK UP'


DC