Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[AlbertaDan]

A woman goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. As the dentist was about to put in the freezing she says, " I would rather have a baby than do this."

The denstist says, " Make up your mind so I can adjust the chair."

 

[MaxBottomtime]

 

[Jax]

 

[Insta-Gator]

Reminds me of when I gave Cindy cookware for Christmas. :lol:

---------- Post added February 9th, 2014 at 01:57 PM ----------

DAD, ABOUT YOUR WILL...
A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’ "

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!' ”

 

[MaxBottomtime]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had
the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I
presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should
change dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for
the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I
lost by two points: The question was:
Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer
was Africa ! Who knew?

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly
found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with
his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He
said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said
to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room
is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

 

[MaxBottomtime]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist
suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

 

[MaxBottomtime]

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

 

[TONY CHANEY]

Two gentlemen from up north were on a business trip to NC. They decided to take a trip to the mountains. While checking out the area they saw two men jacking up a barn and putting rocks under each corner. The two northern men ask, "why are you jacking up the barn?" The two mountain men said, " because the donkey's ears are rubbed raw from hitting the roof." The two northern men said, "why not just dig the floor deeper?" One of the two mountain men said, "just like someone from up north, it's his ears that are giving him trouble, not his feet."

 

[pidgiepoo]

---

A couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Kathleen, soon we will have been
married for 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"




Kathleen replied, "Well Gerry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a very good
reason."



Gerry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'very good reasons'?"



Kathleen said, "Yes, of course. The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay
the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"



Gerry recalled the visit to the banker and said," I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But what about the second time?" Gerry asked.



"Well, do you remember when you were so very ill, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor
one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge."



"I recall that," says Gerry " And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that, Now tell me about the third time."




"All right," Kathleen said. "So do you remember when you ran for Captain of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"






































---------- Post added February 27th, 2014 at 07:26 AM ----------

GUN COLLECTING ~









You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable."







In Minnesota he would be arrested as a “Person of Interest”

Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

In Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas , he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah , he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.”

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy.”

In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."









In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."





In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."





And in Texas he's just "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."























​

 

[Jax]