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Reminds me of one of my old favourites:
A little girl and her mother go to church and after church the are having coffee in the hall. An old lady comes up to the little girl and asks her who she is.
"I am Ken Anderson's daughter," says the little girl proudly.
The little girl's mother then speaks to her: "Mary, it is important for a girl to develop self esteem in this world. Please don't tell people you are Ken Anderson's daughter - tell people that you are Mary Anderson."
A little while later the preacher comes up to the little girl and says "Excuse me, but aren't you Ken Anderson's daughter?"
"I thought I was," sighed the little girl, "but my mother says that I'm not."
BluewaterSail
Happy in Doubles
In Florida springs, it rains open water divers quite often. I have see people landed on.
SolarStorm
Contributor
Redneck Calimari
A Testimony To True Friendship
A man brings his best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5.30 pm after work.
His wife screams at him as his friend listens in, "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
A man brings his best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5.30 pm after work.
His wife screams at him as his friend listens in, "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price." That's him in Aisle 5.
Teacher asks the kids in her class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest girl, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach, a jet to travel all over Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card and have sex with her three times a day."
He sat down with a big self-satisfied smile.
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson, and asks: "How about you, Sarah?"
"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But I want to be Johnny's girlfriend."
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price." That's him in Aisle 5.
Teacher asks the kids in her class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest girl, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach, a jet to travel all over Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card and have sex with her three times a day."
He sat down with a big self-satisfied smile.
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson, and asks: "How about you, Sarah?"
"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But I want to be Johnny's girlfriend."
AlbertaDan
Registered
A Newfie goes to his doctor complaining that every time he drinks a cup of tea he gets a pain in his right eye.
The doctor examines him and says, "Take the spoon out of the cup"
The doctor examines him and says, "Take the spoon out of the cup"
not funny, just bad ass.
LOL! DAFUQ did I just watch?!
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