Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
- Thread starter sandshaker
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WOODMAN
Contributor
First time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur!
(But it's still good!)
TONY CHANEY
Contributor
Jax...that was too damn funny.
AlbertaDan
Registered
A Newfie goes to his doctor complaining that when he touches his arm it hurts, when he touches his leg it hurts, when he touches his face it hurts.
Doctor tells him, "You have a sore finger."
---------- Post added January 30th, 2014 at 03:46 PM ----------
A Newfoundlander was in Toronto, everywhere he goes somebody asks him, what part of Newfoundland are you from? After a few weeks the Newfie gets sick of it. He goes to school, spends all kinds of money learning how to speak.
When he graduates he walks into the first store he asks for quart of milk, a pound of butter and a loaf of bread. The clerk asks him what part of Newfoundland are you from? The Newfie starts ranting,I just spent thousands of dollars and weeks of time learning how to speak properly. How did you know?
The clerk tells him, "You're in a Canadian Tire store."
Doctor tells him, "You have a sore finger."
---------- Post added January 30th, 2014 at 03:46 PM ----------
A Newfoundlander was in Toronto, everywhere he goes somebody asks him, what part of Newfoundland are you from? After a few weeks the Newfie gets sick of it. He goes to school, spends all kinds of money learning how to speak.
When he graduates he walks into the first store he asks for quart of milk, a pound of butter and a loaf of bread. The clerk asks him what part of Newfoundland are you from? The Newfie starts ranting,I just spent thousands of dollars and weeks of time learning how to speak properly. How did you know?
The clerk tells him, "You're in a Canadian Tire store."
pidgiepoo
Contributor
A truly touching story....
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the money
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the money
The other day I went into the city to see my lawyer and was beaten up in the elevator.
I was in the elevator with this gorgeous young lady, staring at her boobs, when she asked if I would press one. So I did.
That's the last thing I remember.
---------- Post added February 1st, 2014 at 11:16 AM ----------
At the Irish wedding reception
someone yelled...
"Would all the married men,
please stand next to the one person
who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost
crushed to death.
I was in the elevator with this gorgeous young lady, staring at her boobs, when she asked if I would press one. So I did.
That's the last thing I remember.
---------- Post added February 1st, 2014 at 11:16 AM ----------
At the Irish wedding reception
someone yelled...
"Would all the married men,
please stand next to the one person
who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost
crushed to death.
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
'"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."'
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher thought it would be a good exercise to have the students decide what they thought the gender should be.
So she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you constantly find yourself spending more money on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!
'"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."'
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher thought it would be a good exercise to have the students decide what they thought the gender should be.
So she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you constantly find yourself spending more money on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!
ITALIAN BOOKKEEPER
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
Don’t you just love lawyers?
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
Don’t you just love lawyers?
Darkforeboding
Contributor
Ok, there are so many good jokes and stories here that I didn't think I had anything that would qualify to post until I was shopping on e-Bay today. I found this ad:
Viking Rubber Drysuit Size 02 Dry Suit Scuba Diving Fetish Play | eBay
For those that come across this message after the e-Bay ad expires, someone is selling a dry suit in the Scuba section that they describe as being good for diving or for FETISH PLAY.
DFB
Viking Rubber Drysuit Size 02 Dry Suit Scuba Diving Fetish Play | eBay
For those that come across this message after the e-Bay ad expires, someone is selling a dry suit in the Scuba section that they describe as being good for diving or for FETISH PLAY.
DFB
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