Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[MaxBottomtime]

Recently, while I was washing my dive gear in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.

She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!" I told her.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50.
Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.

 

[Jon-Gustav]

Hmm, something to think about...

 

[sskasser]

Hmm, something to think about...
View attachment 178950

My daughter is getting married that day! Geek love ROCKS!

 

[pidgiepoo]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
> restaurant.
>
> They were gazing lovingly at each other and were holding hands
> The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
> noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but
> the man stared straight ahead.
>
> The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out
> of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
>
> The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it
> might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by
> saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the
> table."
>
> The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked
> in."

 

[Insta-Gator]

Ooooops!

But while you're down there ....

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
> restaurant.
>
> They were gazing lovingly at each other and were holding hands
> The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
> noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but
> the man stared straight ahead.
>
> The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out
> of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
>
> The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it
> might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by
> saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the
> table."
>
> The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked
> in."

---------- Post added March 9th, 2014 at 11:17 AM ----------

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, I’m fine” asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened, I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie…”
“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, I’m fine”
Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…..”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clydes answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie”.
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
“Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, “How are you feeling?”
“Now what the hell would you say?”

 

[Insta-Gator]

So a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were talking in a Toronto
bar one day.

"As good as this pub is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called MacTavish's on
Sauchiehall Street. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.
When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Michael, the Englishman, "At my local in
London, the Old Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink
after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy , the Irishman. "Back home in me
favourite pub in Donegal, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see
dat you get laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were
suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Well,
not meself personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen
to me sister quite a few times."

 

[Jax]

Q: What do you get when you cut a jack o'lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.2

Q: What was Sir Isaac Newton's favorite dessert?
A: Apple pi!

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?
A: Pi a la mode.

Q: What do you get when you take green cheese and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A: Moon pi.

Q: What do you get when you take the sun and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A: Pi in the sky.

Mathematician: Pi r squared.
Baker: No! Pies are round, cakes are square!


Nerds only: 18 Ridiculously Geeky Pi Jokes

 

[Jax]

 

[Rhone Man]

For the non-Brits on SB, that headline in the Sunday Sport headline is a bit of a running joke in Britain. Many years ago (when I was just a teenage lad) the Sunday Sport launched its most famous headline "World War 2 Bomber found on moon", and that has been used as a metaphor for ridiculous headlines ever since. Little bit insensitive to use it in relation to a real life incident, but subtlety and sensitivity is certainly not their strong suite...

And, no, nobody really believes it. We all recognise that the Sunday Sport is just pornography masquerading as a spoof newspaper... God bless it.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunday_Sport

 

[CosFragger]