Fish_Whisperer
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She offered me her honor, I accepted, and all night long, it was honor and offer.
Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
- Thread starter sandshaker
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mlkco
Contributor
Old but still good 
__________________
Mike :butnhome: Run silent run deep.
You are right I think I heard it in middle school in So. Cal
so jokes traveled across the country even before the internet
__________________Mike :butnhome: Run silent run deep.
You are right I think I heard it in middle school in So. Cal
so jokes traveled across the country even before the internet
santafejoe
Contributor
Unavoidable Laws of Life... When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)
When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)
Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)
When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)
If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)
Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)
You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)
Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)
If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)
The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)
The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)
Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of o golly gee!)
Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The donking principle)
After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility)
Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of delay)
Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway." (Theory of absolute certainty)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)
When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)
Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)
When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)
If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)
Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)
You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)
Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)
If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)
The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)
The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)
Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of o golly gee!)
Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The donking principle)
After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility)
Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of delay)
Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway." (Theory of absolute certainty)
m3830431
Contributor
Quick sex:
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you. "
The girl looked at him, then said, "NO. Eddie said, "I'll
be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast He
won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and ask's what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "He had all quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!!!!
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you. "
The girl looked at him, then said, "NO. Eddie said, "I'll
be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast He
won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and ask's what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "He had all quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!!!!
m3830431
Contributor
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM. Eastern Time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America
TJ O'Dwyer
Contributor
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for
this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio,
the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the
Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000
gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer
readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder
and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she
bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew
intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this
incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that
only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this
type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick
the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio th Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the
next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous
and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually
relieved,
and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio
the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his
obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared
less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report
this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the
same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately
summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for
this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio,
the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the
Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000
gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer
readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder
and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she
bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew
intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this
incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that
only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this
type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick
the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio th Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the
next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous
and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually
relieved,
and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio
the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his
obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared
less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report
this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the
same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately
summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
RV
Contributor
- Messages
- 1,138
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santafejoe
Contributor
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of
the pit
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of
the pit
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
m3830431
Contributor
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