Bullied under water

[Storker]

I was always taught that you were not ever meant to pick anything up... There is a saying something like... 'leave only bubbles and take only pictures'

That really depends on the amount of activity on the site you're diving and whether or not it's possible to harvest in a sustainable manner at that site. When I dive at the coast, I always bring a catch bag and strap a BFK to my calf. More often than not, I return with a healthy catch of scallops, crabs and the occasional flounder, wolffish, angler fish or some other delicacy. At our club's regular sites where there's a lot of activity, we have a non-spoken agreement that the marine life is only to be watched and photographed.

 

[oldschoolto]

I am in a very emotionally somewhat frightened situation. I am a tough person to a certain point.
Just moved to Kona a year ago and my husband and I have been certified for 3 years. I have 50 plus dives under my belt and feel confident to dive in most situations while always thinking of safety. My brother in law and sister have introduced us a year ago to their dive group in which we became friends on a boat and on shore dives. I was certified by a dive repair shop owner here in Kona and he was an excellent teacher. We are all dive buddies. Starting early last year I was picking up a conch shell to see if it had an animal in it and from behind my brother in law as hard as he could grabbed my hands and threw the shell down on the ground underwater. I was in shock. I surfaced and later told him that I should have a right to touch a shell as others carefully look and place back. He was not sorry and he laughed. The second incident was 6 months later which again as I was on the bottom watching some filer fish swim around their holes/eggs, I was 15 ft. away from their holes and he came up beside me and yanked my side/arm and swam as fast as he could in the opposite direction. I was shocked and thought there was an emergency/shark or something. He let go and swam away. My sister was filming all this. He boasted on board before I surfaced that he didn't like me near the eggs and I was creeping towards the holes. I was so embarrassed how I was treated now twice physically. I asked for him to stop and just to tap my shoulder if I am doing something he doesn't like. No real promise of security and peace of mind. One last incident was that we all brought small shells to the surface; one of mine had a small hermit crab inside which I didn't see before I took out of the water. He yelled at me in the parking lot and told me to return the shell to the ocean. I was so embarrassed as he also stated I was not going to be a part of the diving group anymore. All the incidents were when my husband was not present on the dives. I am dismayed by the unprofessional behavior but also shocked that the other divers continue to keep diving with someone that is so controlling and treats others this way. I have tried talking with my sister but he has yelled at her before as well. We are looking for a nice group or people to dive with in Kona at this time. I am saddened by these events because I really enjoyed all the other 8-11 divers in the group.

You really missed your timing... You should have told him in POINT BLANK language ..... Don't ever touch me again, period...

And at this point in time ... I'd touch everything I could when in the water around him.... You have the right to do that as long as you're not in a park or protected area.... F#@K HIM.... And not in the good way...

Jim

 

[James R]

And at this point in time ... I'd touch everything I could when in the water around him.... You have the right to do that as long as you're not in a park or protected area....

Hell yeah, screw all that marine life! Make your point known!



This has got to be one of the most ridiculous posts I've seen on this board. Ever.

Come on, man.

 

[Adam Grose]

If it had been me, I would have knocked his mask off.... that's just me though.

 

[Chocula]

If you can take the details of most of this tread with a huge grain of salt, the overall message seems to be you need to stand up for your rights.

Since this is no longer in the heat of the moment, I suggest you sit down with someone who is supportive (hopefully your husband) and determine what is acceptable and what is not. Establish this line clearly for yourself first and determine the appropriate course of action for you to take should that line be crossed. Consider any consequences of your actions and make sure you can live with them. This does not have to be limited to SCUBA or this specific individual, but that is a good place to start. Your responses never need to be communicated, they are there to help you react with a well though out response should the need ever arise, rather than making that decision under stress.

The next step is to communicate what is and is not acceptable behavior to this person. Tell them what you want and how you expect them to behave. I would avoid using any "or else" statements, just make your expectations clear. Us men are notoriously bad at taking hints, so it needs to be communicated in no uncertain terms. For example, if my wife wants me to take out the trash, she will get much better results by saying "take out the trash" rather than "the trash needs to be taken out". I would tend to agree with her if she says the latter statement, but it won't necessarily occur to me that I need to take it out, much less now.

This conversation does not need to accuse, humiliate, or provoke confrontation with this person, just clarify what is and is not acceptable behavior. The objective is to get them to act in an appropriate manner around you, so treat them respectfully and as if they will meet all your expectations once you have communicated them. Any unpleasantness should be saved for your response should they ever disappoint you. Any responses should be appropriate to the offense, swift, with conviction, and with the goal of correcting the inappropriate behavior. I hope that you find a solution that enables you to maintain a good relationship with your sister, if not her entire family, while being treated respectfully.

-Chocula

 

[James R]

If it had been me, I would have knocked his mask off.... that's just me though.

You aren't a woman being bullied (battered even?) by a man, are you? What you SAY you would do is irrelevant.

 

[oldschoolto]

Hell yeah, screw all that marine life! Make your point known!



This has got to be one of the most ridiculous posts I've seen on this board. Ever.

Come on, man.

Yes... I'd pick stuff up and show it to him... then give him the finger.... And use a BFK to get a flat fish to take home...

Jim....

 

[nimoh]

I don't advocate doing anything like tearing off his mask or throwing his gear overboard (sorry AfterDark (I'll keep it in mind to not piss you off)). The reality is he is probably not a favorite of the other divers and if you talk with the others about his conduct, he might be find himself voted off the boat...

If you want to play tricks, peeing in his mask, while an idea is kind humorous, it is kind of yuck. What I would recommend is to get a pair of gloves or boots that are a size smaller than what they have. when their back is turned swap out the gloves. When he has trouble getting his gloves on, ask to see his hands. As you look at them mention that swelling is a bad sign.... poor circulation.... Gee I wonder what could be causing that... maybe you should sit out the second dive... Let the DM know if you start to get any joint pain.... How are your feet?

It is really easy to play with someone's mind and planting ideas in their head. Just make sure the DM knows that it is a trick and not to call in for DCS and ask for a chopper.

While that is a great practical joke to play on someone that can take it, I doubt that this individual could. I could see quite a few things going wrong, but at the very least it puts the DM in a difficult situation.

 

[CT-Rich]

While that is a great practical joke to play on someone that can take it, I doubt that this individual could. I could see quite a few things going wrong, but at the very least it puts the DM in a difficult situation.

Just to clarify, this is an armchair suggestion, designed to entertain more than provide answers. Like I said in my earlier post, I do think this dude is not someone that I would like to spend my weekends with. Others in your dive circle may feel the same way, I would keep the circle and get rid of Mr. overreaction. At the very least, his behavior should be a topic of discussion. That he behaves like this in the absence of your husband is a troubling part of the story.

 

[AfterDark]

I don't advocate doing anything like tearing off his mask or throwing his gear overboard (sorry AfterDark (I'll keep it in mind to not piss you off)). The reality is he is probably not a favorite of the other divers and if you talk with the others about his conduct, he might be find himself voted off the boat...

If you want to play tricks, peeing in his mask, while an idea is kind humorous, it is kind of yuck. What I would recommend is to get a pair of gloves or boots that are a size smaller than what they have. when their back is turned swap out the gloves. When he has trouble getting his gloves on, ask to see his hands. As you look at them mention that swelling is a bad sign.... poor circulation.... Gee I wonder what could be causing that... maybe you should sit out the second dive... Let the DM know if you start to get any joint pain.... How are your feet?

It is really easy to play with someone's mind and planting ideas in their head. Just make sure the DM knows that it is a trick and not to call in for DCS and ask for a chopper.

Don't worry Rich it's not about being pisssed-off it's about being bullied. Besides those suggestions were of the non-violent type for a female. When I've have been confronted by a bully my reaction has always been quick and intense violence.