worst pun ever

[Mack Diver]

The day care police called and said my son was resisting a rest.

 

[AlexMDiver]

Not sure if this joke has been posted and it is borderline clean:

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the forrest. At one point both of them need to poh. So they both squat and do their business. The bear says "Man, rabbit, don't you just hate **** sticking to your furr?". The bunny never really having had this problem says "no, not really". So the bear picks up the bunny and wipes himself with it.



Or try this one:

Then there was the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who would lie awake at night and wonder if there was a Dog.

His brother, who happened to be a dyslexic devil-worshipper, was shocked and horrified to discover that he'd sold his soul to Santa.


Or this one:

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

 

[Bryan]

Question: What did the monk say when he got shocked?
Answer: Ohmmmmm

If you broke the law of gravity, would you get a suspended sentence?

"If you roll an orange across a table, what physical force brings it to a halt?
"Pulp Friction!"

 

[Hammerhead]

A frog decides he needs to add to his lilypad one day...

Or the extended version...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this.", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager, and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there, who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use THIS as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says......
.
.
.


.
.
.


"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

baboom

 

[H2Andy]

oh i'm still in pain over that one

 

[mike_s]

What do you get when you have a "dyslexic agnostic insomniac" ?


Someone who lays awake all night wondering if there really is a "dog".

 

[desiredbard]

for a crossword puzzle I am looking for the following:
Another word for: "Overloaded Postman"

Spoiler

how many letters? ---> Exactly his problem

 

[sandshaker]

I used to be a pimp, but then I got laid off.

 

[Bryan]

A midget fortune teller

Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit.

The following was printed in the paper the next day: Small medium at large.

 

[mislav]

How about the confucious puns....
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man with missing finger has very bad aim.
Man who likes cigars sees his money go up in smoke.
Man who weighs 100lbs with 50lb Bal** half nuts.
Man who looks up at bird in sky gets piddle in his eye.
Man who is blind feels life.
Man who sit on cable is now online.
Man who sleeps with ice wake-up wet.

If the top piece of fabric on a shoe is called the tongue and there's a tongue in our mouth...We must put out foots in our mouths before leaving the house.

Water isn't wet.

Ahh, yes, chinese proverbs... Here's another one:

Man going through the airport door sideways is going to Bangkok!