Why are so many female divers codependent?

[bigken462]

Perhaps if more men would ask "what's the dive plan?" instead of "whats for supper?" would get us off to a better start. I've yet to actually read more than a few threads in the 27 pages posted. But I kinda wonder how this thread would turn around if we were discussing kitchen trades, or better financial management. I've found in life that I have quite a few weakness, and many times it takes asking for help to get the job done.

Co-dependency is such a wide vast and sometimes dangerous topic to discuss. But I will tell you this, that in nearly 20 years working in health care, I've come across many women who have put us men to shame. We all have our weaknesses and it takes courage sometimes to allow those around us to give assistance when needed. Several of my female co-workers have bailed me out numerous times throughout my career. In the end, we must understand that without teamwork, we are much weaker than what we could be as a whole.

Kenny

 

[tkdgodess]

I'm totally dependant! And proud of it! On his paychecks. To buy dive gear. He doesn't dive, nor pays attention to how much it REALLY costs.:cool2:

Anyways, I don't dive recreationally with ANYONE who *needs* handholding. I get paid to do that. I also let people make mistakes that won't hurt or kill them so they learn. I'm talking top-side errors, like people doing a scuba tune up, last week, father and daughter. Dad was making LOTS of equipment assembly errors, and I asked his daughter to see where he went wrong. He won't get it wrong again.

Anyways I have used my non-diving husband as a sherpa lots of times. It's great for open water training. He also hauls my gear from the truck to the backyard for rinsing when I'm too tired from A) two fun cold water dives B) training dives from students. Does this make me any less of a independant diver? Letting someone (usually a guy) help me carry tanks in for fill, or carry heavy weight belts is smart for me, I conserve energy to do what really matters underwater.

 

[Aileen]

I got into diving because of my ex. I'm all for adventure sports but was a bit hesitant to try scuba diving because of a near-drowning incident years ago. He picked my gear, packed our stuff and led the dives. I would set it up. Sometimes I'd ask questions, but instead of explaining things it was easier to fix the problem. I guess we got into a routine. Now that we're no longer together, I'm quickly learning to be independent.

I went diving recently after a month hiatus. I was all suited up before I realized my fins and gloves were not in my dive bag; they were at home. Luckily I was able to borrow some. Then 20 minutes into the dive the battery on my computer died. So embarrassing ! My buddy was a new diver. He forgot to turn on his air and put air in his BCD before jumping in the water. During the dive he almost lost his tank. The experience showed me the importance of making sure my gear, knowledge and skills were in top form. I'm glad everything happened during a pier cleanup in 10-15 ft of water and not a deep dive.

 

[Jumpinghorse]

I think letting the guy do all the work is a contradiction to all the time and money spent taking SCUBA classes. Plus, all people make mistakes...men and women both, so why wouldn't you want to check and make sure your gear is in proper order yourself? If something should go wrong due to user error, only you should be to blame, not your man or whoever else did all the work for you. Maybe this comes from being a DiveMaster and always having to help people with the simplest task, skills that should be retained from their OW course, but women need to take it upon themselves to be responsible divers. Putting together your own gear is a sign of being a responsible diver. Besides, if we want to be treated the same in a male-dominated sport, we better be able to keep up and look like we belong there. There is nothing wrong with asking for help but being plain lax in doing things or learning things on your own is never a good thing.
Just my two cents

 

[PowderGal]

Oh dear ... to give up self-sufficiency for convenience just doesn't do it for me. It's my gear, my air, my life. There's nothing wrong with asking for a little help when help is needed - but know that help is needed. To know help is needed requires you to know what is required. An air tank valve was stuck and I couldn't turn it so asked for help - at least I knew it needed turning and the air wasn't on all the way. If the BC doesn't fit, only I know it - how can someone else pick and buy a BC for me? It's not "co-dependency" to get help from spouses/SI (either gender) any more than it is to get some help from a pro. It's just simply ignorantm trite and excruciatingly irritating to not take ownership and responsibility for yourself. And the only way to know is to get experience, make your own mistakes, experience the problems and learn (read the book - that would also be a good idea). You can even learn from other's mistakes but you have to be alert to even recognize it was a mistake. There is simply no substitute for being self-sufficient regardless of how much someone else is willing to help - at least not in this sport. Even if someone else sets up your gear, check it anyway! To all those women AND MEN relying on SI's or dive pros to do all the set up work, be your own final check. Do yourself a favor - take charge of your own life. But, of course, that's just my thought -I could be wrong.

 

[Aileen]

I totally agree that everyone - women or men - should make sure they know how to set up, check and work their equipment. In my experience, however, I'm glad my ex chose a harness/backplate/wing for my first setup. We made some modifications along the way based on my feedback (e.g. smaller backplate, thinner crotch strap), and now I am very happy with my equipment.

 

[Soakedlontra]

My buddy-husband is very clear in one thing: I am responsible for assembling, carrying and looking after my gear. He is willing to help if I struggle and I help him if he asks for. When it comes to planning and figuring out the details of the dive he tends to take over.

How can I overcome this problem and not let myself falling into the trap of letting him figuring out all the dive planning and logistics?

I came up with the solution of snorkeling/free diving on a regular basis by myself.

I was forced to figured out my weight (how boring!) because I am wearing his Farmer Johns wet suit (it is a bit big but it is good enough for snorkeling) and I could not use the same amount of weights that I wear while diving with my semi-dry suit. Lately I added another layer by wearing his shorty underneath his wet suit (a way to fill in the extra space because of the wrong size and reduce the amount of water that flushes in and out the wet suit) so I had to figure out the amount of weight to carry all over again.:depressed:

I plan my solo snorkeling adventures like their where dives. I look at the weather, tides and currents predictions, read books about dive sites and trying to get better grasp on how slack, ebb and flood currents work at the chosen site and figure out the time that takes to get the stuff ready, drive to the site and hit slack. I have to remember to pack everything I need without any other supervision. Once at the site I am forced to remember to carry everything I need to the water because nobody is around to check on me.

I know that snorkeling is not like diving, it is far less complicated. However solo snorkeling is helping me to build up a routine and self-confidence by forcing myself to make my own judgments and decisions (instead of relying on somebody else's). When I make mistakes I cannot cry for help, the responsibility for my actions falls entirely upon myself (not matter how small they are).

It may not sound a big deal but it is better than nothing.

 

[austriandiveress]

Just discovered this thread, and it hits home. My boyfriend is my diving teacher. He made me assemble my own gear from the very beginning, and I admit that I often didnt do it correctly, and said "ohhh, can you check this for me?" . I had huge problems carrying my gear the first year, and always followed by boyfriend rather blindly to the waters edge and throughout the dive.
I too thought it wonderful that I could "trust my life" to him. But this summer it became clear to me (not through an incident, thank God), that as his diving partner he should be able to trust his life to ME, even though he has many years of experience. He is over 50, I'm close to it, and nobody is immortal. So I want to continue my training with a different instructor, simply because I find that when you learn from your partner all kinds of stuff enters into the dynamic that shouldnt be there. I am on my way to becoming a much more indepandant diver, and plan to take a "stress and rescue" course as soon as I can. I hope never to have to use it, but its neither fair to him, nor particularly empowering to me, to continue this pattern of "helplessness" under water.

 

[saltybubbles]

I don't believe that getting help from my husband makes me DEPENDANT on him. I can assemble my own gear, do my own predive check and ENJOY having him with me. After a marriage of 28 years we have many things we enjoy together. SCUBA is a newer experience for us that we both are active participants in. We have our own strengths and weaknesses which the other can help with.

I trust him with my life uder the water as he does with me.

I believe SCUBA is not the thing to get into just to please your partner. You have to love it and want to learn more and do more and be willing to be responsible for not only your own safety but also your buddies, no matter who that might be.

 

[rockhues]

:blinking:Wow! What a thread! As a fairly new diver (one year now) and a woman, I have not been around long enough see co-depedent women in my neck of the woods or should I say "ocean". I guess the cold water environment, learning to dive in a dry suit, the instructors and my male friend, who sparked my interest into this sport, have all stressed the importance of independence, regardless if you are a man or a woman. The women I have dove with are all independent, even the married ones! I know the instructor we had forced the women to take turns leading the dives with our male buddies so we would be comfortable as a leader. I guess I am fortunate from what I have read on this thread.

As a nurse, safety is always at the forefront of my mind. How can I depend on someone else 100% for my safety? I want to know how to set up my gear, how it works, how to maintain it and what the key signs to look for in the gear that may be malfunctioning so I can correct it before I am underwater. How can I be a safe buddy when I cannot take care of myself? Not only that, I feel tremendously responsible for my buddy to know how his or her equipment works so I can be quick and efficient in correcting a problem underwater. I have the same expectation for my buddy. I know as a new diver, I was definetly co-dependent, but I was determined to learn as much as I can as fast as I can so I can be a reliable and safe buddy for the other diver.

I think it is great that there are men who want to assist their buddies(women) but I also think the woman needs to be empowered to be independent for safety's sake!!

I guess this is the nurse in me speaking.

I have to say I have been in a male dominant sport up here in Alaska and putting on the dry suits in the winter, hauling heavy tanks in the snow is soooo hard, but I did it, with tears the first time out!! I reasoned that I was doing my weight training...squats, etc, so I did not have to go to the gym that day. That made me feel better. It is nice to have the extra muscle power from a male buddy, I will take it up when offered or ask if I need, however, I will do all that I can so I can be independent and competent in the sport. It makes me become a better diver and a safer buddy by doing so.