What to tell the spouse

[Diver0001]

I've always wanted to set up my rig with a wireless air integrated computer. So I get this big bonus at work and had the funds burning a whole in my pocket. I am going on a family vacation next week and stopped by the LDS to check out their computers. My intention was to just window shop but next thing I know I'm pulling out my wallet.

I guess I need to come clean at some point, I'm just not sure when. I had a buddy buy a snow board once, kept it hidden in the garage behind his old board. We went on a ski/snowboard trip and when he pulled the new board out his wife said, "When were you going to tell me? You actually thought I wouldn't notice?!" Must be some genetic thing. My wife notices everything too!

Freewillie gets a $500 bonus. He buys a transmitter for $100 and says to his wife, "look" I got a free transmitter and a $400 bonus!

R..

 

[Pullmyfinger]

My wife and I each have separate savings accounts for our personal spending.
Any overtime pay I make is divided 50/50 and deposited into these two savings accounts.
It's a wonderful, drama free arrangement.

Concealing your spending creates a bad vibe.

 

[htatton]

This August my wife and I will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. About year 20, after a very rocky financial start we made several decisions:
1- All credit card bills will be paid in full at the end of the month. (It took 4 years to get them all paid off)
2- No debt without mutual agreement
3- No major purchase by either without agreement of the other. (25 years ago it was $100 cap, Now it is $1000)
4- Never, Never hide a purchase: cash, charge or otherwise. (Prior to this time I had several)
5- 10% of our income would go to our church.

Results of these decisions:
1- Marriage much stronger and full of trust.
2- No debt except our home. It will be paid in 7 years.

Do yourself a favor, come clean with your wife, discuss your finances and reach an agreement you can both stick with.
And then follow it the rest of your life.

From an Old Guy who had to learn the hard way.

 

[freewillie]

You're a Physician, so I imagine you make most of the money, and while in a couple there's an element of mutual ownership of income, sometimes being recognized as the bread winner confers some unspoken, unofficial prerogatives. That said, every marriage is unique, as is each person in one. I'd wonder:

1.) Does she ever spend a hefty chunk on discretionary self-indulgence? Jewelry, plane ticket to see Mom, etc...?

2.) If she spent what you did, how would that go over with you? What's good for the goose is good for the gander & vice versa...

3.) Is this a one time blip in the family expenditure picture or is it apt to look to her like the launch of a finance (& security) draining new addiction?

4.) How is the financial health of the family? Is there plenty in the bank in case of mishap, etc...?

5.) Some Physicians work long, grueling hours & the psychological benefits of rewards (e.g.: expensive toys, dive trips, etc...) can be carrots that keep the mule pulling the plow to bring home that harvest for everyone. A happy husband counts for something, too.

6.) How much do you compromise in other areas? From your trip discussions, I get the impression you go on family vacations, dive some with your daughter, but make some allowances for other things; you don't hit a live-aboard & do nothing but dive. Plus, your family gets to go on nice tropical vacations, and I'm guessing old Dad/Hubby slaving away at the office has something to do with enabling that.

In a nutshell, don't lie, consider & honor her concerns, but at the same time, the mule could use a carrot now & then.

Richard.

She actually just spent almost 3 times the cost of the computer on new landscaping in the back yard. And is not done yet.

Her car is getting very long in the tooth and we will be needing to replace that soon. I was going to do the cheesy put a new car in the driveway for Christmas but it may not last that long.

The cost isn't taking any money way from any other expenses, we actually live well within our means. I don't do these things very often but is essentially not a financial issue at all. Can't do it very often but can do it on occasion.

Its more of the fact just after I bought it I've been looking for a good way to broach the subject. I suspect if I said nothing she wouldn't even notice but that makes me feel even more guilty. I'm going to have to come clean since the credit card bill is due at the end of the month anyways. We have a joint bank account and share the credit cards so there is no way to actually hide the purchase. I was more looking for a push in the right direction and a little moral support as well.

---------- Post added July 4th, 2015 at 12:01 AM ----------

Never understood these kinds of posts. How does a marriage work when the husband...or wife...has to sneak around when buying things? Makes no sense to me.

Hiding your purchase implies that you either can't afford it or its something offensive/illegal. If you can afford it and you want it, then just buy it. If it's offensive/illegal, then you shouldn't be buying it in the first place.

Man up. Grow a beard. Eat bacon.

Really, man up? What's illegal about a dive computer? And while I should have told her first before the purchase I wound up just purchasing it on a whim. It happens. And as for affording it I am in an enviable position financially that this has no bearing on my financial health. It was a really big bonus.

I know I needed to come clean, I was just looking for a nudge in the right direction.

 

[WarrenZ]

Do the same thing I do "Look what I bought honey" she usually responds with "Where do you think that going to go"

 

[freewillie]

Do the same thing I do "Look what I bought honey" she usually responds with "Where do you think that going to go"

Hopefully she doesn't continue with "back to the store,"

 

[The Chairman]

Elena doesn't mind if I buy Dive equipment as long as I buy two!

 

[Bob DBF]

Try the old standby:
"I swear its not hoarding dear, I'm just keeping an adequate stock of equipment and parts. It's life support, you know."



Bob
--------------------------------------------
There is no problem that can't be solved with a liberal application of sex, tequila, money, duct tape, or high explosives, not necessarily in that order.

 

[Phil_C]

Personally I'd take the initiative and say sorry first ! open the conversation along the lines of

"you know I get a bonus once in a while, well I had been thinking of getting a air integrated computer and thought I would look at options. I'm a bit embarrassed because on thing led to another and before I knew it they had offered me a great deal and I had said yes. I know I should have talked about it first really but I got a bit carried away. Sorry".

Let the dust settle - if there is any - and then move on to saying why it was a good idea, easier for you, better for daughter who can have your old one etc. etc.

Then ask if there was anything she had been thinking about that you could get with the remainder of the bonus - or not.

But I agree with everyone else, don't kept it a secret, I wish I had always followed that advice but I didn't, however I have been married now for 33 years (and yes - always to the same person). Good luck - Phil.

 

[Diver0001]

I've never lied to my wife about what I spend on diving. I don't spend money on much else so she doesn't mind. Some years I have to warn her when the season starts that I'm going to renew and refurbish some stuff though.

I think over the years I probably should have sold more of my old stuff though. I found two regulators today when I was cleaning up that I forgot I had .... ooops.

R..